


Thousand spires and thousand bridges

by hjertetssunnegalskap (Crazyheart)



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Canon Gay Character, Canon Pansexual Character, Canon Trans Character, Christmas Presents, Christmas Vacation, Christmas market, Fanart, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gluhwein and cocoa, I really can't call this a slowburn, Kisses, Kissing, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Pickles - Freeform, Pining, Road Trips, Sexy Times, Standing in the rain, The 75 dates in the Skam Universe Fic and Art fest, Vacation, but is it slowburn?, this is as slow as I can make a burn, urban exploring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-06-27 01:58:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 46,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19780906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyheart/pseuds/hjertetssunnegalskap
Summary: This is a road trip canon divergence/AU thing where Matteo is stuck in Prague for Christmas and needs a ride back home to Berlin.In this world, Matteo and David met during Abitur back in Berlin, just like in the canon story and they made sandwiches and almost kissed at the neon party, but David backed out, Matteo did the same and.... nothing more happened.Now they are studying in Prague. Matteo thinks he lost his chance with David a long time ago. What David thinks, nobody knows.Prompt #31 (Vacation) in the 75 Dates in the Skam Universe Fan fest.This fic is translated to Russian by Ame immortelle, and you can find ithere.





	1. The city of a thousand spires

**Author's Note:**

> Both the fic and the art is going to be part of the 75 dates in the Skam Universe fic and art fest, for the prompt #31 vacation.
> 
> This story is also inspired by the prompt “We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you want to stop and feel the rain?” that I got on an anonymous ask, but also by @mynameisnotthepoint. @mynameisnotthepoint also prompted “How long have you been standing there?”. Then @hachibe prompted (amongst other prompts) “Did I say that out loud?”, and “I think I’ve been holding myself from falling in love with you all over again.” Also this: 86. “I got you a present”.  
> I also got an anonymous prompt: 33. “I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.” 
> 
> I hope it's okay that I jam all these prompts together in a fic. Thank you so much @hachibe, @mynameisnotthepoint and anonymous for these prompts!  
> I'm painting some fanart for each chapter. Also, check out the beautiful [edit by @kapplebougher on Tumblr.](https://kapplebougher.tumblr.com/post/186485401934/happy-birthday-camilla-hjertetssunnegalskap1) Thank you!! <3
> 
> I'm going to post seven chapters, most likely weekly (I gotta check that out with my beta readers). Thank you so much, @evakuality and @mynameisnotthepoint for beta reading for me! You are amazing! 
> 
> Warnings: There will be some sexy times in this story, although it won't be explicit.  
> I haven't been to Czech or Germany in about 25 years. So. I might get some details wrong. If so, please tell me!  
> I should probably warn about more, but I can't think of anything right now. I hope you enjoy!

[Edit by @kapplebougher on Tumblr](https://kapplebougher.tumblr.com/post/186485401934/happy-birthday-camilla-hjertetssunnegalskap1)

##  **_Bros don’t forget, man_ **

Matteo watches his shoes shuffle over the cobbled sidewalk. He’s walking home from some late night studying at the library and it’s already getting dark. The air is cold on his skin, and the rain is chilling his skin on contact. Fat raindrops soaking through clothes is maybe not the most pleasant feeling, but he loves the rain. For a moment he wonders how it would be to freeze time, right here and now. Perhaps it isn't normal to love a rainy evening so much, but who cares about normal anyway? He’s pretty sure "normal" is a made up thing.

Prague is kind of magical in Matteo’s opinion. Romantic, even. And it’s not just about the old buildings, the golden spears, the beautiful bridges or the cute cobbled roads. It’s not just about the beer either, although the beer is pretty damn good. He doesn’t quite know what it is, but there’s something about the city that is even more intimate and familiar than the city he grew up in and has always loved. His stay in Prague has been defined by these long periods of silence, and sounds and smells that feel warm and soothing against his skin. He feels weirdly at home here, to be honest. There’s no rush, at all, and even the people seem calmer and more at ease. He likes that.

Of course, Prague gets busy, too; all big cities get busy, especially with tourists. He has avoided the worst tourist attractions so far, but it’s December, and he knows they have started to flood the Christmas lit streets and the Christmas market. The Christmas lights are nice though, especially at night. Matteo likes Prague the best at night, when most people are asleep and everything feels soft and quiet, but still so very alive. At night, Prague is easy to breathe and live in.

Only the slipping of his feet brings his attention to the ground once more, the need to stay upright pulling his mind into the present.

“Matteo, did you hear me?” Jonas’ voice is impatient in his ear. 

_Right. Jonas_. Matteo holds his phone to his ear, sighing. Prague is definitely nice. Still, he doesn’t want to get stranded here over the break, alone, thank you very much. Also, his mom expects him to visit during Christmas. He has even bought her a present.

“Jonas, you promised we’d drive back together,” Matteo says into his phone, keeping his voice low in an attempt to not sound too whiny.

“I know I did, man, but Hanna’s family sprung this cabin trip on her at the last minute, and she begged me to come with.” On the other end of the line, Jonas’s voice is light. He sounds excited. And he’s probably already at the airport. “I couldn’t say no. I haven’t seen her for ages.”

“Fuck, you could at least have told me earlier,” Matteo mutters. “It’s Friday already, and we planned to go tomorrow! We’re roommates, for fuck’s sake.” 

“I’m sorry, but as I said, Hanna just told me. I meant to tell you yesterday, but you were gone all day, and then I needed to get some stuff and borrow some skis from one in my class, and when I came back home you were sleeping already. To be honest, I have barely seen you this week,” Jonas says. “You’ve practically been living at the library lately.” 

“I guess,” Matteo sighs. He knows Jonas is right. He has found studying a lot more captivating now that he’s studying subjects he’s actually interested in. “But you were my ride,” he still insists. Jonas promised him at the beginning of the semester that he’d be able to borrow a car from someone and drive them both back from Prague to Berlin for the Winter break.

And maybe Matteo has been foolishly looking forward to the road trip for weeks, too. Yeah, he shares a room with Jonas, but it’s true that he hasn’t seen much of Jonas lately. 

“You can get a ride with some of the other students,” Jonas offers. “We’re not the only ones from Berlin, after all.”

Matteo’s stomach drops a little at Jonas’ suggestion. To Jonas, this whole thing probably sounds like a problem with an easy solution. But Matteo isn’t Jonas. Matteo doesn’t feel like he can ask any of the other guys. Just the thought makes anxiety bubble inside his ribcage and he feels sick to his stomach. Plus, he has no money to chip in for gas. Most of all, he can’t imagine having smalltalk with a stranger for hours in a car. That will just never happen.

 _Well_ . There’s _one_ brown eyed, dark haired student he might want to drive with, but he pushes that thought away before it settles. 

“What about David?” Jonas asks then, and Matteo’s attempt to avoid that thought is shattered. “He’s part of our gang, right? And he’s practically our neighbour, living just across the hallway!”

“I don’t know,” Matteo mutters, helplessly trying to ignore the jittery feeling going through his body. “It’s not like I know him that well.”

 _He doesn’t want to know me_ , Matteo’s shitty brain reminds him and the thought makes his stomach churn just like it does when he’s nervous about a difficult test. 

“Nonsense,” Jonas huffs. “David’s really sweet, and you know it. We know him well enough. ” 

Matteo sighs, not wanting to argue. “Maybe. I mean, yeah, he’s cool.”

That’s the understatement of the century, of course. Everybody loves David. Matteo sees it in the way people hang on his words and reciprocate his smile so quickly. They want to be close to him just like Matteo does.

 _Oh fuck_ , he really needs to shut down thoughts like that.

“Or I could give you money for the bus?” Jonas pauses over the phone. “I mean, some money. I got maybe thirty Euros on my debit card, but it’s all yours if you want it.”

Matteo winces at the offer. They are both living on loans and scholarships, and they are both tapped out. Jonas will need all he has for his trip with Hanna.

Resigned, Matteo pulls on the brim of his flat cap and drags it into his eyes as he keeps talking into his phone. “It’s cool, Jonas.”

Jonas still doesn’t sound convinced. “Matteo, are you sure? I can tell Hanna I can’t go. We can figure something out.”

“No, it’s cool,” Matteo says again, and this time he sounds more like he means it. He doesn’t want to cost Jonas anything, especially not a trip with Hanna’s family to do family stuff all Christmas. He loves them both too much for that, and he’s too happy to know that they’re together, too. “I’ll figure something out. Have fun on the cabin trip. Try not to piss Hanna off by getting too wasted.”

Jonas grumbles good-naturedly, easily sidetracked. “I did that _one_ freaking time. One time, Matteo!”

“Bros don’t forget, man.” Matteo smiles, even though he feels rather gloomy knowing Jonas won’t be home for Christmas. It’s just a couple of weeks but Matteo has no plans and two weeks alone in Prague without plans sounds just… bad.

“We can go out when I get back,” Jonas offers. “I can take you out to U Zavěšenýho Kafe and get you some proper dinner. Or a beer or two.” 

Matteo loves _The Hanging Coffee_. He almost likes the idea of the place just as much as he likes the food and the place itself. No, he really loves the food there, too. 

Still, it’s not the same as a road trip, is it? 

“Yeah, sounds good,” he says, trying to sound cheered by the offer.

They both say their goodbyes and hang up. Slouching so he can tuck his chin into his hoodie to protect himself against the chilly air, Matteo starts to walk home. The narrow cobbled roads are a little wet, but there’s no snow, and he’s grateful for that. 

He stops by a grocery store to pick up some bread and cheese. If he’s going to stay here, he’ll need food. He pays for the items, hardly registering the cashier’s presence while his mind is occupied elsewhere, mostly imagining a Christmas dinner with cheese toasties in solitude. 

He decides to indulge and buy himself a coffee from the coffee shop across the street. As he spills a little coffee on his jacket, he reminds himself to remember the laundry before he goes to bed. 

_Fuck_ , this is his life now: thinking about laundry and buying groceries. He sips his coffee and watches his feet shuffling across the glossy cobbles, his run down sneakers looking just as sad and worn out as he feels. He focuses on the sound of his footsteps, that seem to echo through the desolate street. It’s calming him, in a way, and stops him from thinking about those warm, brown eyes and that white bright smile that he never seems to fully forget. 

The knot in Matteo’s stomach twists tighter, and his chest aches almost like when he has one of his panics. He takes a deep breath and another sip of his coffee, then he keeps walking. At least he’s glad that he doesn’t meet that many people on his way home, it gives him space to think. He needs to find a solution to this situation. 

Matteo can’t explain his infatuation with Prague, he just really loves the place. He has tried to search all his history books to find out what made the city so alluring, but he can’t find anything. The Berlin wall started to crumble twelve years before Matteo was born. At the same time, people marched in Prague, starting something that ended with Czechoslovakia being split into two nations and Prague becoming the Czech capital. All of this is history, and still, Matteo has grown up with the stories, and they are part of him, just like they are part of his mom and everybody else. 

So, he can’t deny that Prague is a lovely city, but he knows Christmas break is going to suck so hard, when he has to be alone in the flat by himself. He needs to find a way to get to Berlin, somehow. If only his thoughts would stop going in a hopeless circle, churning and churning and never going anywhere. 

##  **_How long have you been standing there?_ **

There is no immediate solution that pops up on Matteo’s way home, nor when he eats in front of his laptop, and sadly, he forgets his laundry before he goes to bed. 

The next morning he finally drags himself out of his room to get the dirty laundry. It’s far too early on a Saturday morning, but he knows he had better do it before it starts to smell too sourly or before someone nicks his stuff. As he enters the common laundry room and closes the door behind him, he stops in his tracks because of what he sees. David is already there, sorting through his own clothes. Which shouldn’t really be a surprise. David lives in a single room right next to Jonas’ and Matteo’s room. Just across the hallway. _Practically neighbours_ , as Jonas would say. _Part of their gang_. Still, Matteo needs to breathe calmly to stop his heart rate from picking up.

David doesn’t hear him enter the room, though. He has his headphones on, as he often has, and is deeply focused on his task. Matteo can’t help letting his eyes linger on him a little. _Who wouldn’t?_ Every move David makes is so graceful and effortless, after all. Also, he’s got that tempting brown-skinned Adonis look going on. His tousled hair is midnight black, thick and lustrous, and his eyes are dark brown, framed by graceful brows. 

David has the kind of face that stop you in your tracks. Matteo guesses David David must’ve gotten used to that, the sudden pause in a person's natural expression when they look at him, followed by the person overcompensating with a nonchalant gaze and a weak smile. It doesn't help that he’s so modest about it, it makes everyone fall for him all the more. 

That’s not the only thing that makes Matteo weak in the knees, though. More than his looks, David is beautiful from the inside and out, from the depth of his eyes to the gentle timbre of his voice. He’s always so attentive, at least when he’s with Matteo. Sure, things have been a little awkward between them, but Matteo loves the way David is totally present, and the way he sometimes, when he enjoys whatever silliness Matteo shares with him, forgets the mask he wears around others. How could Matteo not fall helplessly in love with this guy?

 _Damn_ , he thought he had squashed down this crush a long time ago. It’s just hard, when David is so damned _nice_ all the time. 

David looks up and is startled as he notices Matteo. He blinks and stares at him. “Uh, hi. How long have you been standing there?”

“Not that long,” Matteo shrugs, blushing a little. “Morning, David,” he says, trying to keep his tone jovial despite his jittery feelings. The two of them have been a little awkward ever since everything that _almost_ happened during their Abitur, one and a half years ago. 

Not that anything actually happened, really. They made some disgusting toasted sandwiches once, and they had a moment where they almost kissed. At least, that’s what Matteo thinks happened; the memory has become somewhat blurry and he can’t really be sure about it. 

David had told him to leave him alone, anyway. After that, he and David were just friends, and only barely that. Matteo had tried to ask David to hang a couple of times, but David had kept his distance ever since. Well, he started to hang with the friend group, but apart from that he stayed away. So. A little awkwardness is maybe not so strange. 

Still, Matteo secretly wishes he would become better friends with David. “Doing the laundry, huh?” he asks. “It’s horribly boring, right?”

David raises an eyebrow. “I guess it’s not really the most fun thing I do.” He looks back down at his basket full of clothes, effortlessly making Matteo feel both sheepish and dumb, and like he shouldn’t have disturbed David.

David is mostly friendly and good natured, and still he makes Matteo feel like that a lot. It is probably why Matteo tries not to bother David too much. It’s not like he avoids David, it’s more that he tries to get some control over his feelings so that he can try to interact more or less normally.

Right now, that seems to be a lost cause. _Shit_ , everything is so fucked. The thing with Jonas. David. Matteo walks over to the drying machine to pull out his own clothes, huffing out a loud sigh as he does so, letting himself wallow in his misery for a moment. It’s bad enough that he has to stay in Prague during Christmas, he doesn’t need to pine for his neighbour, too. 

Then he stills, inspiration striking. What if… Jonas _had_ given him some bad suggestions for solutions, but there was one that maybe could work. If he can muster up the courage to ask. Matteo turns his head to look at David across from him. He hates to ask others for favours, but this time he’s pretty desperate. “When are you heading home, David?” 

For a second, he wonders if David can hear the breathlessness in his voice when he says David’s name. He pushes the thought away. 

David looks back, eyebrows raised. Matteo does his best not to blush. David’s eyebrow use is a language in itself, and right now, they say, _what do you want?_

Matteo finds himself babbling to fill the silence. “I was just… wondering when you’re heading home for Christmas. Because I’m not. Heading home, I mean. It’s just, well, it looks like I’m stuck here, because Jonas ended up going with Hanna on a cabin trip, and I don’t really know any of the other students well enough to ask for a ride.” He pauses for a moment. “I was planning to stay with Hans and the others during Christmas, you see.”

“I know,” David says flatly. 

“Oh,” Matteo says, surprised. “I didn’t think I told you.” It isn’t like they’ve interacted much since they came to Prague, despite Matteo’s initial attempts to do some stuff together. David has mostly just been around when others are around, especially in the beginning. He has always been friendly, always attentive… And still, Matteo feels like there has been some sort of awkward distance between them. He doesn’t know if the distance was because of David or because Matteo ended up making a strategic retreat.

“Of course I know,” David says now, looking at Matteo with intent. “I know about your old flatshare. I was there at that neon party, you know. And we hung out there with your gang a couple of times, too.” He raises his eyebrows. “And in the common room the other day, you were talking to Jonas about going back there for Christmas.”

“Oh.” Matteo flushes, embarrassed. Of course. He remembers very well that David was there at that party, thank you very much. Where Matteo had a total breakdown with anxiety and David stayed and they almost… kissed. _Fuck_. Sometimes Matteo really thinks he imagined it all. But he’s pretty sure it happened, even if David just disappeared afterwards and wouldn’t have anything more to do with him. Which figures, really.

“Of course,” he says.

David leans forward, and his eyes are fixed on Matteo. People often speak of the colour of eyes, as if that were of importance, yet David’s would be beautiful in any shade. They radiate an intensity, an honesty, a gentleness. Something that makes Matteo wants to be close to him. Or hide from him. Sometimes both. 

David flexes his arms as he leans on his basket. Matteo has to look away. _Fuck_. David is pretty goddamn ripped for a movie nerd who spends all his time drawing and making movies, which, as far as Matteo knows, is mostly what David does.

It’s best not to stare. Yeah, Matteo’s out and proud and all that now, but David has made it clear that he wants distance, so that’s how it should be. Matteo should not be checking him out, no matter how pretty his brown eyes are or how cute he is when he stares at Matteo. _Fuck_.

Matteo knows he lost his chance with David a long time ago. 

“So, why do you wanna know when I’m going back?” David asks.

Matteo continues, even though he feels less and less sure of his brilliant idea the longer David’s gaze stays fixed on him. “I was just thinking, if you’re going home, maybe I could hitch a ride— no, forget it,” Matteo cuts himself off, seeing the way David’s eyebrows are arched. Not a good sign. Matteo laughs uncomfortably. “Never mind, it was just a silly idea.” He pulls his flat cap from where it has fallen to the floor, fiddling with it.

“Why don’t you take the train?”

“Well, I can’t really afford it.”

Silence falls in the laundry room. David’s eyes are still on him, and Matteo folds and unfolds the hat in his hands, not daring to look up. Finally, David huffs and picks up his basket. “I don’t know, Matteo. Look, I gotta put this away,” he says. “And Laura is coming over, so I shouldn’t keep her waiting.”

He turns to the door.

“Okay,” Matteo says dully. “Right, I get that.”

David smiles a little. “See you around.” He looks friendly enough, but also thoughtful, like he has something troubling on his mind. 

“Yeah, see you.” 

Matteo sighs as he gathers his own laundry. That didn’t go very well. He pulls out his phone to call Hans and break the bad news. He hesitates, and ends up chickening out and just texting. He doesn’t think he can handle the special brand of disappointment and guilt that his old flatmate has perfected over the years. Hans acts like they are family. And in a way, they are. Found family.

Matteo doesn’t want Hans or Linn to lend him the money for a bus ticket, either. They both have helped Matteo too many times already. 

Text sent, Matteo picks up his laundry and goes back to the room he shares with Jonas, dumps the full basket by the door and flings himself onto his bed, clutching his pillow. He retrieves his phone from his back pocket and checks his Insta, but there’s nothing much interesting on his feed, except that Jonas has posted a picture of Hanna and him, looking wholesome and happy on a ski slope. Good for them. 

Matteo yawns and stuffs his phone back into his jeans. He leans back and stares at the ceiling. _Fuck_ , it’s still early in the morning, and he’s already feeling tired. Well, it’s not like he can’t use his sudden free time to take a nap. Naps really are his go-to solution for almost everything.

##  **_Here goes nothing_ **

Matteo’s drifting fitfully between waking and sleep a few hours later when he hears someone knocking at the door.

Matteo blinks his eyes open and stumbles to his feet. When he gets to the door, David is standing there, staring at him. His cheeks are flushed from the cold. He's almost smiling – smiling as if something good is about to happen. Matteo’s heart speeds up, long before he knows what’s going on.

“Were you sleeping right now?” David asks, cocking his head to the side, then shakes his head. “Nevermind, of course you were. I talked to Laura,” he continues, apropos of nothing. “She’s working over break, so I’m taking her car.”

“Okay,” Matteo says slowly. His mind still feels fuzzy. Struggling to find the connection between those sentences. “Laura,” he mumbles.

“Yeah. My sister?”

“Yeah. I know that. I just… You’ll borrow her car?”

David huffs impatiently. “Yeah, it’s no problem. She doesn’t really need it during the break. The car is pretty useless in Prague, anyway.”

“Okay,” Matteo says again, digesting the information. For some reason, his brain still can’t manage to connect the dots. 

David looks at the ceiling in a _give me strength_ kind of gesture, then down at Matteo again. He smiles a half smile. “So I can give you a ride, like you asked me about, like, what, a few hours ago.”

Matteo stares at David. “Shit,” he says, gaping. “ _Shit_. For real? You’d drive me?”

“That’s what I said,” David says, pursing his lips.

“Fuck, that’d be awesome!” Matteo tries to reign in his enthusiasm, but it’s hard. He bounces on the pads of his feet. “Wait… I can’t chip in on the gas much. But I can maybe make us some lunch or something?”

“It’s fine, don’t stress about it.”

“Oh, it’s no stress. I bought a ton of bread and cheap cheese yesterday. I’ll just make us some sandwiches.”

David blinks. “Okay, if you like, we could go in an hour or so? So you have the time to pack?”

“Sounds good to me,” Matteo grins. 

David is giving him a weird look as Matteo hurries to throw his shit in a bag, trying not to give David the chance to rethink his offer. He makes a note to call Hans and tell him he’ll be coming home after all. Oh, and his mom will be thrilled that she gets to see him.

“Don’t get too excited," David says, "and by the way, I’m kinda selfish doing this. I was thinking about seeing some sights on that route, and maybe take some photos and do some filming.” He looks strangely sheepish. “If you can help me drive a little, that would be great.”

Matteo stops and looks at him. “So I should prepare for a longer trip than four hours, then?”

David nods. “Yeah. With all the stops it could take around eight hours. Is that a problem?”

Eight hours on the road with David? Matteo doesn’t quite know if the thought frightens or excites him. Oh, who is he kidding, it definitely excites him.

“Not at all, bro. No problem at all,” Matteo says easily. Privately, he wonders what David’s plan would have been if Matteo hadn’t been tagging along. Would he have just driven on by himself? That sounds awfully lonely.

“Thanks, bro,” David says, pursing his lips again. 

“I’m the one who should be thanking you,” Matteo says. “I owe you one.”

David just shakes his head, smiling. Matteo falters. When David smiles and laughs Matteo can't help but smile along too, even if it’s just on the inside. To be in David’s company is to feel that he is someone, too, and that he matters, even if they’re just friends.

David looks down and Matteo finally manages to focus on what he’s doing. “You can just take a seat while I pack my things,” he offers, and points to his bed. “Or do you need to pack, too?”

“No, I’m good,” David answers and sits down on Matteo’s bed, eyeing his rumpled sheets. He leaves his backpack on the floor next to him. He’s not bringing much stuff with him at all, by the looks of it. Matteo tries not to stare. Maybe the dude just likes to travel light.

Noticing Matteo’s gaze, David straightens. “How about that lunch you promised me you’d bring?”

Matteo grins. “Yeah, yeah, hang on.” He goes to the kitchen and starts to make a shitload of cheese sandwiches. 

He doesn’t notice that David has followed him before he puts them all on an oven tray. 

“No whipped cream, this time?” David asks from the door. He approaches the kitchen counter. “And no toaster?”

Matteo laughs weakly, remembering too well last time they made cheese toasties together. “Yeah. No toaster. That would have taken forever, anyway.”

David nods and smiles. “And I suppose sandwiches with whipped cream is an acquired taste.”

“Probably, yeah,” Matteo says, suddenly feeling strangely melancholic. 

David watches the tray and then meets Matteo’s eyes. He looks like he wants to say something, then stops and tries again. “You don’t have to do this, you know…” he begins.

“Yeah, I do,” Matteo brushes him off, not knowing exactly why he feels disappointed all of a sudden. “The food would have gone bad while I’m away, anyway, so it‘s really no trouble at all.” 

He crouches down and puts the tray in the oven. “Here goes nothing,” he mutters, mostly to himself. 

When he stands up, he meets David’s gaze again, that gaze that seems to look so deeply into him, straight at his soul, and it’s a little too much. A little too similar to that Friday when they made sandwiches together. “I should... “ he begins, and points backwards to his room with his thumb.

“I can keep an eye on them while you pack the rest,” David offers. 

“Cool, thanks.” 

Matteo smiles gratefully and goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth once more for good measure and packs his toiletries. Then he remembers to find his phone and laptop and all the chargers he will need. 

When he comes back to the kitchen, the food is ready. Together, they pack the sandwiches in a huge plastic box. 

David stares at the box in Matteo’s hand. “That’s a lot of food, Matteo. A lot.” 

“Well, we’ll need it, just wait and see,” Matteo smiles. “I’m a hungry guy.”

David looks at him, and something similar to fond amusement flickers over his face before he looks away. “Okay, move your ass, let’s get going,” he says and hustles past Matteo back to his room where his coat and bag are, and Matteo has no choice but to trail along behind him. David picks up his bag and Matteo brings his own stuff. Then they’re off, out into the hall of the mostly empty flat building and further out to the parking lot where a small red Kia sits, waiting for them. 

“Cute,” Matteo comments. “An electric car? Will it take us all the way?”

“Of course,” David huffs. “There are charging stations all over. And don’t bully my car, just because it’s… not a fancy car.”

“Oh, it’s more fancy than that non-existent car of mine,” Matteo snorts.

He throws his bag in the back and joins David in the front seat, where he seems to be concentrating on pretending that Matteo isn’t sitting right next to him. Well, that’s maybe a bit too harsh. David gives Matteo a quick smile, after all. But that’s it. Then he focuses on adjusting his seat.

Maybe it’s just the sudden forced intimacy of sitting together in the small car that makes Matteo insecure. He buckles up and wonders if he’s a little paranoid when he thinks that David regrets this whole thing. He wouldn’t suggest doing this if he hates the idea of driving with Matteo, would he?

And what does it matter, anyway?

Matteo guesses that his stupid crush makes him worry too much. _It’s a free ride_ , he tells himself as he gets comfortable in the passenger seat. _You can suck it up for a free ride back home_.

“Here we go,” he says, trying to sound excited, and not scared shitless. 

David just hums as he starts up the car. 

Matteo lets his head fall back against the headrest. Looks like it’s going to be one hell of a long free ride back home.


	2. Rainy roads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David turns and catches his eye; before Matteo can avert his eyes, a genuine grin spreads across David’s face, turning it from handsome into divine. In that moment Matteo feels his body flush. Oh man. He’s still crushing alright.
> 
> Short summary: David and Matteo starts out their journey back to Berlin. It's raining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2! I've been so busy with art stuff lately that I almost forgot to post! I can't believe it. Thank you so much @mynameisnotthepoint and @evakuality for helping me, betareading this! And thank you to everyone who reads and kudoses and comments. <3 
> 
> About the artwork: I had two versions and asked around for faves. On Insta and Tumblr I got different opinions, but in the end, I chose one. :D

##  **_We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you want to stop and feel the rain?_ **

It starts to rain almost at the exact moment Matteo and David leave the parking lot. Matteo watches as the softly splashing water droplets hit the car, enjoying the water running down the side of his window. The skies are overhung with a blanket of grey, so much so that Matteo can barely tell the difference between the sky and clouds. 

Matteo leans back and tries to relax. By all means, he’s happy to get a ride back home to Berlin, and he’s excited to spend several hours in the car with David, but he’s also nervous. His shitty brain is basically messing him up; worrying about David not wanting him to be there, fearing that he’ll fuck up somehow, but most of all, fearing that he’ll reveal that he’s still attracted to David.

Despite the somewhat tense vibe in the car, the rain outside calms Matteo. He watches the raindrops race down the windows and traces them with his finger. He loves rain, always has. To be honest, he'd rather be outside in those puddles than stuck in a car. Even in a car with David.

“Are you finding your way?” Matteo asks, slowly, trying to sound cool and laid back. He knows that Prague can be a nightmare to drive in, but luckily, there’s not too much traffic today, even if it’s in the middle of the day. 

“Yeah, no problem,” David smiles. 

Matteo looks quickly at him. Now that they’re sitting next to each other, it's far easier to observe David discreetly; as he drives it's natural for Matteo to look his way while they talk and for David to keep his eyes on the traffic. David looks just too good, it’s almost annoying. 

David is only giving him a ride, there’s nothing more to it. Matteo tries to train his eyes to the scenery, ignoring David’s cologne. Why does he have to smell this way? Matteo really doesn’t need to be attacked by these feelings.

David is a careful driver, though, and focused on his surroundings. He drives like he's been doing it all his life, every movement competent and flowing. Matteo gets a little lost, following David with his eyes as he moves with confidence, navigating his way out of Prague. It’s kind of hot.

“You’re good at this,” Matteo says, before he remembers to stop himself. 

David smiles a quick smile. “I used to work in the post office for a while after I learned how to drive. I’ve gotten used to driving a lot, I guess, in all kinds of weird places.” 

“Cool.” 

“Yeah, it was alright. I felt... free, in a way. I was my own boss.” 

Matteo smiles a half smile. “Lone rider.”

“I guess.”

Matteo stares at the rainy road ahead. Lightning lights up the skies in brilliant streaks and the rain is pouring against the front of the car. He can hear the thunder rumble far off. 

“Some weather, huh?” David laughs. “I don’t think it will last for long, though.” 

“I kind of like it,” Matteo smiles. “But I’m not the one driving.”

“Nope.”

“I can’t believe I got a driver’s licence at all,” Matteo admits. “I’m just too easily distracted to be good at driving.” 

David raises an eyebrow again, like he wants to say _duh_. But then he says: “No use in beating yourself up. I bet you’re just as good as me.” 

Matteo straightens his back. “Yeah. I guess I’ll manage when I have to.”

“I should hope so,” David laughs. “I won’t let you hurt this car.”

Matteo huffs. “Fuck you, too.” He bites his lip, not quite knowing how to continue the conversation. David turns and catches his eye; before Matteo can avert his eyes, a genuine grin spreads across David’s face, turning it from handsome into divine. In that moment Matteo feels his body flush. _Oh man._ He’s still crushing alright.

“Ah, now we’re soon leaving the city of a hundred spires,” David says, focusing on the road again. 

“More like a thousand spires,” Matteo comments, automatically.

“Yeah?”

Matteo scratches his nose. “Yeah, I think someone tried to count them, and there are more like a thousand spires.”

“Cool. You know all kinds of stuff, huh.”

“Well,” Matteo shrugs. “One of my teachers always talks about that mathematician and philosopher named Bernard Bolzano, who actually counted Prague’s towers and gave it the nickname. So. The name stuck, I guess. And the story stuck in my head.”

“You really know all kinds of stuff, Matteo. I’m impressed.”

Matteo laughs, feeling a strange mix of embarrassment and pride. “I just like history stuff, I guess.”

David smiles then. “Right. You took advanced history. I forgot about that.”

Matteo blinks, surprised that David remembers.

It gets silent for a moment, so Matteo tries to keep the talk going. “So, do you like living in Prague, or...?”

“Yeah, of course,” David smiles. “This city is something special. And it’s lovely for exploring and filming.”

“I bet.” Matteo gets curious. “What do you film, exactly?”

David shrugs. “Mostly abandoned buildings. Lost places. I guess I have a thing for urban exploration. I’ve actually been exploring abandoned buildings back in Berlin, too.”

“Cool. Is that what you’re planning to shoot on this trip, too?”

“Yeah. I looked it up, and there are some really interesting places along the way.”

Matteo stares at the water trickling down the front window, thinking. “Why do you like it so much? To visit places like that, I mean.”

“I don’t know. It’s the history of these places, I think. People loved them once. And then, their presence in people’s minds faded and they were forgotten. Now they are places of solitude. And there’s a certain risk to visiting them, too, I guess. I don’t know, I just like it.”

Matteo nods, he can totally get the appeal. “Can I see some of your photos?”

David gives him a quick look. “Maybe later,” he smiles. 

“Cool.” Matteo sighs and turns to watch the city become less and less urban out the window. Soon they are surrounded by the frost-covered cornfields. He still isn’t used to living in a smaller city like this, but it did definitely have a certain alien beauty.

“Do you like it?” David asks after a moment. “Prague, I mean?”

Matteo lifts one shoulder and lets it fall. “I like it a lot, I guess. I mean, I really like it. It’s beautiful, and I like the chill vibe, you know. It’s just a pity that I’m just here for a year.”

He would have liked to stay longer, to be honest. But Jonas is planning to go back to Berlin when the school year finishes in the summer, and Matteo has no plans to stay in Prague by himself. It’s not like he knows what to do, anyway. In fact, he has no fucking clue what to do next, and it stresses him out more than anything. 

“You can stay for longer if you like though,” David comments. 

“Yeah, I don’t know. I’m not good with doing things on my own, I think.”

David doesn’t comment on that. “I’ve decided to take more than one year in Prague. Since Laura is working here, too, it seems like a good choice. I still would have done it if she went back to Berlin, though. As I said, I like Prague. I love the architecture, especially. It’s… mesmerising.”

“I heard that many gems from the Gothic, Renaissance and Baroque era remain intact because the city wasn’t rebuilt like most other cities like this.” 

“Yeah,” David nods, looking quickly at him. “They call it a _museum of architecture under the open sky_.” 

“I can see why you love it, then,” Matteo smiles.

David grins. “Are you insinuating that I have a thing for old things?”

“I’m not insinuating. You definitely have a thing for old things.”

“Hah.”

“It’s not Detroit, though.”

Matteo blushes, wishing he could take the words back. He must sound so creepy, picking up something they talked about ages ago. 

However, David smiles. “I guess not. Detroit will have to wait. The music scene in Prague is pretty good, anyway.” He rubs idly at his nose in what Matteo guesses is a sign of embarrassment.

“Yeah,” Matteo says.

Then David goes and speaks up again, voluntarily offering information about himself, which is… both unexpected and endearing.

“I don’t have that much holding me back in Berlin, to be honest. I don’t have that many friends there anymore and my parents haven’t been exactly supportive of my… lifestyle,” he says, and Matteo is stunned by all his words. “And in Prague I feel like I’m home.” 

He chuckles to himself, and Matteo just stares. David is cute when he’s silent and thoughtful around the dorm, but he’s dangerous when he smiles. _Damn_.

David notices Matteo staring, and covers his laughter with a cough, schooling his features back into blankness, but it’s too late, Matteo can’t stop his heart racing.

“Anyway. It’s not a big deal,” David says. “The point is, I’m staying in Prague for a little longer.”

“Oh. And it doesn’t matter if your sister stays or not?”

“Yeah, it really doesn’t matter. I don’t mind being on my own.”

“Oh.” That seems like such a foreign thought for Matteo. He goes silent and leans back in his seat. He tries to process what David just told him, but it’s tough. 

Matteo always follows others. 

And he kind of hates it, he’s come to realize. As he sits in the car beside David, David’s independence obvious between them, Matteo realizes he hates being so dependant more than he's hated anything in his entire life.

David clears his throat. “So. I know you hate to be asked what you want to do, but... There are things you want to do, right? What do _you_ want?”

At first, Matteo is caught completely off-guard that David remembers something he said so long ago. It’s still true, though. He hates that he has no plans for the future. But yeah, there are definitely things he likes. He likes science. And history, sometimes. And playing games. Spending time with his friends. And right now, he loves how the rain hammers against the windows. 

“What do you mean, like in general or right now?”

“Both, I guess. But what do you want right now?”

Matteo lets the question sink in. The obvious answer is David, of course, but he doesn’t allow that thought to linger. The rain pours down outside and he can’t help wishing that they were outside, feeling the raindrops hitting their faces. 

“Right now, I think...” he hesitates. “... can you pull over for a moment?”

“Why?”

There’s no judgement in the question, only curiosity. Matteo feels stupid, but he can’t stop himself. 

“I wanna go outside and feel the rain.”

David turns his head and stares at him. 

“We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you want to stop and feel the rain?”

“Yes.”

David smiles then, one of his shining smiles. “How could I ever deny you that, then, if that’s what you really want?”

He pulls over to the side. 

Matteo takes off his seatbelt, feeling ridiculous and excited at the same time. They’re at a small rest stop, surrounded by nothing more than a white field and some trees, but Matteo doesn’t care much about details like that. He mostly cares about the rain, and the sound of the thunder. He takes off his hoodie and gets out of the car. 

Heavy fat drops of rain hit his exposed skin. He loves how everything looks in the rain. It brings a richness to each hue, the colours deepen in a way that soothes his heart, brings a steadiness to his soul. The ground becomes glossy, reflecting the light. Everything gets a new bright shine, like it’s fresh. Matteo raises his arms, his palms facing up, tilts his face toward the sky, feeling water fall over him, washing away every worry. As he does, something stirs inside of him. Maybe this something is joy, a kind of happiness that feels pure. He stands still, facing up, and suddenly he’s a little kid again, running outside through the rain and feeling connected to everything. He almost doesn’t notice David standing next to him. Well, that’s a lie, of course; he always feels it when David is near. But the important part now is the rain. 

“You really love this,” David says, sounding a little breathless.

“Yeah, I really do,” Matteo grins. He needs to be in this rain, chaotic and wild, just like his mind and soul – like nature looks right into him and pulls the weather out. “I always have. It makes everything feel calmer and brighter at the same time.” 

The rain stops his thoughts from buzzing, calms him, but at the same time excites him. It gives him a feeling of in-between. Between the sky and the earth. Between warm and cold. And now he’s here, with David, being in the in-between. He looks over at David, and he feels the weight of David’s gaze. David smiles, his eyes dark. A bolt of lightning flashes through the sky, and Matteo feels the thrill of the sight of it going through his body. The thunder rumbles not long after that, and Matteo smiles. With every cracking boom his smile becomes a little wider.

The thunder and lightning always is so mesmerizing and terrifying at the same time, it makes him feel alive. 

“This is great!” he shouts.

David laughs, and his laughter feels like another flash of lightning going through Matteo. He looks so good in the rain. His dark hair is even curlier and drops of water gather at his eyelashes, elongating them even more. Matteo wants to experience each drop, together and apart, same and different. He wants to see the droplets soaking David’s eyelashes before they fall to the ground like tears… Happy tears. And David’s smile… Matteo wishes he could taste those lips. 

_Fuck_. He needs to get a grip. His clothes are getting heavy and wet, too. He sighs. “I guess we should back into the car, though.”

“You’ve had enough?” David asks. 

Matteo pauses. The thing is, he would never get enough. He could spend forever here, with David, in the rain. 

“For now,” he finally says. 

David nods, still smiling a little, and goes over to his side of the car. “Okay, then. As you wish.”

Matteo blinks the raindrops from his lashes as he gets back into the car. His clothes are soaking wet and his hair is plastered to his forehead and temples, but he doesn’t care. He feels better than he has felt in a long time. With a content sigh, he glances at David, who peers back through wet lashes, water dripping from the end of his nose.

“Rain, huh? Is that your thing, Matteo?” David grumbles, shaking rainwater from his sleeves and shifting in his seat.

“I guess, David,” Matteo replies with a small smile, looking out at the vast curtain of rain, trying to wipe his forehead with his arm. As he lifts his arms, he drips on David. 

“Oi! Do you mind?” David exclaims, pushing Matteo’s shoulder. “Stop dripping on me. Let’s put on some heat and get going.”

“Sure.” Matteo shifts in his seat. “Ugh, I got wetter than I thought.”

David shrugs. “Don’t complain to me! I’m not the one who insisted we leave the bloody car in the worst downpour in months!” 

Matteo groans, wiping water from his face and pushing his hair back. The light feeling leaves him like water swirling down the drain. He is an idiot. Maybe this had been a bad idea. And maybe not just a slightly bad idea, but a really stupid one. Now they are both wet and cold. “I’m sorry,” he says. “It was stupid.”

He notices that David gives him a quick look. There’s a moment of silence. Then. “Nah. It was kind of nice. Silly, but nice.” He meets Matteo’s gaze, and something sparkles in his eyes. His lips curl up, and suddenly they’re both laughing. 

Matteo pulls at his wet and clingy pants. “We should get out of these wet clothes, though,” he says. 

David snorts. “Yeah. I’m not up for driving in these clothes for hours. I can put heat in the seats but it won’t help in the long run. We’re not that far from Terezín. There must be a gas station we can stop at.”

Matteo smiles, feeling relieved that he hasn’t ruined everything. “Okay, let’s do that.”

****

##  **_I should have known that you’d try to get me naked_ **

They find a gas station close to Terezín that looks nice and tidy and that even has chairs and tables, like a café. While David parks the car, Matteo greets the cashier in Czech. He has figured out that people here prefer it if he attempts to talk Czech, no matter how badly he does it. He shoulders his backpack and heads to the back of the gas station to use the bathroom. When he enters the room, he looks at himself in the mirror. He has a pink flush blooming high on his cheeks. He looks breathless, excited almost. 

“Keep it together,” he tells his reflection. 

He hears the door handle start to turn. “Almost done,” he says, but the door is already opening. “Yo, I said almost—”

He cuts himself off when he sees it’s David stepping inside. He stops when he sees Matteo at the sink. “Oh, sorry, didn’t know.”

As David goes to step back out, and without even consciously deciding what he’s about to do, Matteo sees his own arm shoot forward and grab David by the wrist.

“It’s okay,” he says. 

David freezes, looking at the hand on his wrist, then up at Matteo’s face. His mouth hangs open a tiny bit.

Slowly, carefully, Matteo pulls on David’s arm until he has reeled him into the tiny bathroom, the door shutting gently behind them as they stare at each other. “You don’t have to wait. You need to get out of your wet clothes, just as badly as me. We can just do it back to back, I mean. If it’s okay.”

Matteo finally remembers to let go of David’s wrist. 

David smiles a crooked smile then. “I should have known that you’d try to get me naked,” he jokes. 

Matteo blushes and stutters and doesn’t know where to look. 

Luckily, David just steps in and starts to get out of his wet clothes. “Just a joke, Matteo. Relax.” 

“Okay.” Matteo decides to focus on himself and not think about David taking his clothes off, right behind him. He peels off his t-shirt and trousers and finds some dry clothes from his bag. It feels heavenly to put them on. He almost feels like he’s newly bathed. It’s pretty refreshing. 

“Fuck,” he suddenly hears behind him. 

“What?” 

There’s a little silence. And then: “My binder is soaking wet, too.” David’s voice is strained. 

“Oh.” Matteo feels strangely honoured that David mentions something so private to him. “That’s not so good, I guess? Can’t you take it off for a little while? I mean… it’s just us in the car?” 

There’s a long silence. Then: “Yeah. I shouldn’t wear it too long, anyway.” 

“Right. I won’t be weird about it, I promise,” Matteo mumbles, feeling awful. “I’m sorry, this was such a stupid idea.”

“No, it was a great idea,” David says, and there’s a softness in his voice that makes Matteo shiver. “And I know you won’t be weird.”

Matteo keeps his back towards David as he finishes getting dressed. 

“Okay, I’m done,” David says, sounding relieved. He has put on a big, formless hoodie and his coat over that. 

Matteo feels a little awkward for a moment, as he tries not to stare at David and make _him_ awkward. At the same time, he doesn’t want to be weird and look away. _Shit_ , his mind is fucked up sometimes. It doesn’t help that he feels hungry, a little low on energy and raw, like all his feelings are displayed on his skin. Like his emotional nerve endings are exposed to the elements and could be acutely affected by anything. 

Luckily, David yanks him out of his worries. “I’m getting hungry,” he says as they exit the bathroom. “Is it okay if we eat some of your sandwiches in the car?”

“Ah, I thought you’d never ask. I’m ravenous,” Matteo admits.

“Good,” David smiles. He bumps his elbow into Matteo’s. “Thank you for... you know, not being weird. Travelling can be a nuisance sometimes.”

“Yeah, I bet. Don’t worry.”

As they get back into the car, Matteo finds his big box filled with sandwiches, and they both sit down and tuck in. David digs some sodas out of his backpack and they have a pretty good meal. The sandwiches really don’t taste that bad. It would have been better if they had been warm, of course, but Matteo doesn’t care. He eats three of them and wouldn’t have minded having a fourth. 

He notices the sign by the gas station. “Terezin, huh?” he mumbles, suddenly realizing where they are and feeling something coil inside. His memories from this place aren’t great. The last time he was here, the thought of all the suffering overwhelmed him to the point that he almost got a panic attack. Scratch that. He _had_ gotten a panic attack. 

“Do you wanna see the sights here?” he asks, carefully, determined to inform that if so he’ll stay in the car.

“No,” David answers, quickly. “I don’t feel like visiting the concentration camp here. It was hard enough when we were here on a school trip.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Matteo sighs, badly hiding his relief. 

“Good. Then I suggest we just get going,” David says.

“Well, now we have a new memory from Terezín,” Matteo smiles. “Being silly in the rain and eating cold sandwiches in the car.”

David laughs. “Yeah. That’s a pretty good memory, if you ask me.”

As they pull out again, it’s Matteo’s turn to take the wheel. It feels strange, as it’s been months since he last drove a car. But it’s good. Like he’s in control. It has stopped raining, and the sun makes every surface shine like it’s covered in diamonds.

David is silent for a bit. Then he turns to Matteo and says: “I really appreciate that you’re so cool with everything.”

Matteo looks over at him, surprised. “Like what?”

“Like the fact that I’m trans.” David swallows. “It’s never a guarantee, you know. People can be pretty shitty.”

“Yeah.” Matteo is glad that David got to tell Matteo and his other friends before everyone at school found out in the shittiest way possible. At the time, Matteo had been just crawling his way out of one of his darker periods, he had been cutting down on the weed and focusing on his studies, and he had even told Hans and Jonas that he was gay. 

He had realized that he had to ignore his feelings for David. It wasn’t easy, like when he studied with David and the others in the library, or when he felt dislike of people who showed romantic interest in David, or felt pride when people complimented the art David did for their Abi prank. It wasn’t easy, the way his eyes were drawn to the lines of David’s muscles as he moved or to David’s lips when he smiled. Matteo felt like he was suffocating from being David’s friend but nothing more.

That was just how it had to be, though. David became one of the gang. A friend.

Matteo learned how to hide his true feelings and thoughts even better than before. In a way, it got easier. Growing up, Matteo had learned to keep his emotions in carefully sealed boxes and cover them with biting comments and cool indifference, though once in a while, they burst forth in a parade of sloppy words. So he managed to keep everything to himself. Sure, he came out as gay to his friends, but he still kept his feelings for David to himself. If someone had suspicions, they never said anything. For every friendly punch and jab, every averted gaze, Matteo burrowed his heart deeper within him, until days could pass without a single thought that went beyond friendship.

When David told him that he was trans, Matteo had been shocked, but kind of honoured that David wanted to share it with him. Things were looking kind of good. 

Then some shitbag shared that video of David arguing with his teacher, everybody found out that David was trans and the rumours started. It had been pretty awful for a while. That is, David had disappeared, so Matteo didn’t really know exactly how awful it was. He only knew his own terror at the idea of being exposed like that, his worry about David being alright and his anger at the ones responsible for the whole shit show. 

So yeah, Matteo knows that people can be pretty shitty. 

“Have people been treating you alright in Prague?” he asks.

David looks hesitant for some reason. “Yeah, most of the time,” he says. “Some of the paperwork is always annoying, but… yeah, the ones I told have been okay.”

“That’s good,” Matteo smiles, feeling relieved. He would hate it if people treated David badly. 

“You know… If you have questions and stuff, you can always ask me, right?” David says.

Matteo lets his words sink in while he keeps his eyes on the road. He feels weirdly honoured, that David offers him this. “I don’t know, I think I have asked you most of my stupid questions already.” 

He has. David had been unbelievably patient with his questions, actually, and Hans had also helped him pluck away some of his prejudiced assumptions. 

He can feel that David just looks at him, as if he’s waiting. 

Matteo leans back, thinking. In a way, being in a car like this makes it easier. He doesn’t have to meet David’s piercing eyes all the time, and it gives him time to think. “How long have you known?” he finally asks.

“Always, actually.” David answers. “I’ve never felt uhm… I never felt like myself. It was really weird. I never knew what it was… and so… I googled it.”

Matteo keeps staring ahead, thinking. There’s something so familiar about how David describes this. He still feels David’s eyes on him, and can sense the beginning of a smile. Matteo finally lets David’s words sink in. “Googled it, huh,” he chuckles. 

“Yeah.” 

“That sounds familiar, I think I googled “How gay am I?” or something, too.”

“I can imagine,” David says. “You knew before you ended things with Sara, right?”

“I knew long before I _started_ things with Sara,” Matteo admits, with a long sigh. “I was just too afraid to admit it fully to myself.” 

“That’s shit.”

“Yeah.” 

David looks out the window. “I found people who experienced the same things as I did. They called it transgender.” 

“How long ago was that?” 

“Mm… About six years, I think,” David answers. “And then I started to see a psychologist. To get shots and stuff like that.”

Matteo nods. He surprises himself when he admits: “I see a psychologist, too, you know. She doesn’t seem to know exactly what’s bugging me, but we’re trying to figure it out.” 

“Like the panic thing?”

“Yeah. Amongst other things.”

Silence hangs in the air between them. At first the quiet is nice, but then it’s like it grows and stretches and feels like poison against Matteo’s skin. It’s like the silence seeps into him and paralyzes his brain and gnaws at his insides. He worries that he’s asked too much. He worries that he’s said too much. Or maybe he has said too little. 

“So. You have no other questions, then?”

The only questions on Matteo’s mind are questions he can’t ask, like ‘why did you just run away from me?’, ‘why don’t you like me?’, and ‘why am I not good enough?’ and he can’t ask that. 

“I don’t think so,” he says.

The silence must have bugged David a little, because he shifts in his seat. “You’re not going to ask me if I’m doing surgery, then?”

Matteo blinks. “Isn’t that, like, your business, and no-one else’s?” he asks. 

David winces. “Yeah, sorry. I’m being sarcastic. It’s a defence mechanism, I suppose.”

Matteo nods. “Makes sense. You can tell me anything you want, you know. When you want. And you can also _not_ tell me, if that feels better.”

David looks at him with those eyes that look so deeply into his that they seem to look right through Matteo. There is something about that gaze of his that Matteo doubts he will ever find in anyone else. At least, he would have to search for a damn long time.

“Good,” David says.

“Yeah, good.”

They fall silent, but it isn’t awkward like it sometimes can be back at the student hostel. David seems more comfortable around him than he has done since the very first time they hung out together properly, like they've cleared some strange hurdle between them.

“So how do you like your studies, then?” David asks, startling Matteo a little from the silence. 

“My subjects and stuff?” Matteo fumbles. “It’s fine. I mean, it’s pretty great, most of the time, actually. I ended up liking it more than I thought I would. Science is neat.”

“You’re studying engineering, right? Over at CTU?”

“Yeah, sort of. Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. It’s cool. I struggle a little with the classes in Czech but it’s not too bad.”

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah. I still feel lost whether this is what I want to do or not, but it seems promising. What about you?” 

David looks at him, his mouth quirking, then he chuckled. “I love it, of course. It’s art, and media. It’s everything I want to do, and in a lovely city.”

“I can imagine broody vampires in Prague. Is that why?” Matteo chuckles. 

“Yeah, yeah,” David says with glittery eyes. “That’s the reason. No, but I just like what I get to do.” 

Matteo turns back to the road, huffing a little. “Yeah, of course. You’ve known for a while what you want, haven’t you.”

“You know now, too, don’t you?”

“More or less.” Matteo pauses. After the gap year back in Berlin, he had thought that he would know exactly what to do. However, the year went pretty fast, and he had still been pretty uncertain about his future. So, when Jonas talked about doing the Erasmus program in Prague, Matteo wanted to follow. He needed to get away from Berlin, anyway, and he figured out that he could check out if his university had an exchange and if there were subjects he found interesting. Because of his gap year, he couldn’t do it through Erasmus, but he still found subjects that he could apply to outside the program. The subjects he found were alright, but it wasn’t exactly a revelation. It was as if he sent his application with a shrug, or as an afterthought. It almost wasn’t his own choice; he just followed Jonas.

He doesn’t know how he can explain all of this, or justify it. “I guess that I was still pretty clueless when I came to Prague,” he admits. “It was Jonas’ idea to study there, and… well, I wanted to get away. So I followed. By chance, I chose some pretty cool subjects, though. So. I think I’m beginning to figure it out, yeah.”

He feels embarrassed, but when David looks at him, there’s nothing judgemental in his eyes. David is pretty awesome like that. “You’ll have time to figure things out, you know.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” 

David smiles and bends to root through the backpack at his feet. He pulls out a paperback and sets it in his lap. Then he opens his book and starts reading, and Matteo assumes that means they are done talking. He uses the opportunity to surreptitiously watch David frown out of the corner of his eye.

He wonders how David is able to read in the car without getting sick. He seems absolutely engrossed, though. Matteo isn’t much of a reader himself, and he wonders what David is reading that holds his attention so easily, but he’s confident that interrupting to ask won’t win him any points.

“You know I can tell when you’re staring at me, right?” David says without looking up from the book in his lap. 

A flaming blush works its way up Matteo’s neck and across his face like a forest fire. “I wasn’t staring,” he says quickly, clamping onto the steering wheel.

David just shakes his head. “Just saying. If you’re considering doing anything that requires stealth after graduation, maybe rethink it.” 

When Matteo glances over, David is smiling at his book, and Matteo relaxes his grip on the wheel. It’s just teasing, he tells himself, and maybe David just thinks he’s someone who stares, not that Matteo has a big unrequited crush on David that has only grown three sizes bigger during the little amount of time they have been on this trip.

“I guess a career in espionage is overrated anyway,” he says, keeping his voice light. “I’m not planning to do that.”

“Sounds wise,” David says loftily.

Matteo laughs, throwing a fist out to punch David lightly on the shoulder. “You’re a dick.”

David just grins, gives his shoulder a small pat and goes back to reading.

Matteo feels a bit lightheaded, knowing that he has managed to make David smile at least somewhat. And they have had some good talks. Things are pretty nice. Matteo’s skin tingles where David touched his shoulder and Matteo’s heart beats erratically in his chest. It feels scary, but good. _Damn_ , there’s no doubt he still likes David. A lot. 

Matteo shakes himself. He’s crushing hopelessly and almost flirting and he shouldn’t. That’s not what David wants; Matteo should know that. He can pull himself together, though. He just needs to get through this car ride.


	3. The Florence of Elbe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo and David continue on their roadtrip back to Berlin. They do some exploring. Things get heated in more than one way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, here's the next chapter! Sorry, I know this is a little later than planned, but the heat just made things go really slow with me... Thank you so much to @evakuality and @mynameisnotthepoint for beta reading and holding my hand! And thank you, everybody, for reading and commenting, you really inspire me to write more.

##  **_I bet you won’t tell me anything, then?_ **

Matteo is starting to realize that to drive with David to Berlin is one of the best ideas he’s had in a long time, nerves or not. He actually enjoys driving the car, and some of his worry about his hopeless crush eases as he and David fall into their familiar banter. It doesn’t matter that the road is boring as hell, surrounded by snowy white fields and trees. Matteo is actually having fun. David is talking and laughing, everything feels bright and easy, and Matteo just barely registers that they cross the border.

Matteo wonders if some of this new lightness between them comes from when they shared that moment in the rain. Or from sharing some of their thoughts. No matter what it is, this is _nice._ Matteo leans back in his seat and stares ahead. The road stretches out in front of them, hugging the land, and the scenery takes on an almost meditative quality, like it’s a scene in a movie and the song coming from the car radio is the soundtrack. 

David turns the radio to a classic pop station, and Matteo smiles to himself as he listens to some guy sing about strange love. It’s a good song. 

“I don’t know if you’ve heard this before,” David smiles, “but I love it.”

Matteo mumbles his approval. The music soothes him, as music often does. The lyrics float through his brain like a dream and the notes flow through his veins, relaxing him. It makes his shoulders lose all tension and his fingers drum on the steering wheel. Music will never be something superfluous to Matteo. It’s medicine for his numbness. It's the air he needs to breathe. It’s life.

He stares at the road ahead and thinks about David’s smile and hopes he will see it a lot on this trip to Berlin. Ignoring the stirring in the bottom of his stomach, he tries to focus on driving.

David hums along to the song, his head leaned back. “ _Take me to church_ ,” he sings absentmindedly. “ _I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies_.”

Matteo faintly recognizes the song as one that David has played before. He has thought it strange that David likes a classic melancholic song like this. David doesn’t give that first impression at all, he seems too… composed, perhaps. 

The last years have trained Matteo’s eyes, however, and he sees the cracks in his surface. He has seen David’s drawings, the ones that David shared with him that time during their Abitur. David is only neat and composed if you don’t care to look closer. 

“ _Offer me that deathless death, Good God, let me give you my life…_ ” 

Leaning his head back, Matteo lets the music fill him and joins David singing. 

_“_ _Take me to church, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies_ _,”_ they sing, their voices together sounding strange, but beautiful.

It’s early afternoon when they stop in Dresden. Matteo parks the car at a parking lot David points out to him. “14:18” David mutters to himself and smiles. “Right on schedule.”

“We have a schedule?” Matteo asks, surprised.

“Oh yes, it’s good to be prepared,” David grins. “I thought we could spend an hour or so here, looking around, before we move on. 

Matteo nods as he’s looking around. “Sounds good to me.”

There’s no snow, and no rain either, and the city looks beautiful. There are Christmas lights everywhere. When Matteo looks at everything now it’s almost impossible to imagine the rubble of the bombed out Frauenkirche and other buildings laying around for more than 50 years. But he knows it’s true. He has heard all about this. 

“You’ve been here before, too, right?” David asks, as they get out of the car.

“Yeah, a long time ago. I remember that we saw the church, and some of the buildings that were rebuilt.”

David nods and sighs. “Seems like we meet stories of war crimes everywhere on this route, huh?” He pauses. “Is it okay if we visit some places that aren’t really the main sights?”

Matteo smiles. “You’re the one providing a car, David. You’re the boss.”

David lifts an eyebrow and keeps his gaze. “Still, I wouldn’t mind hearing what you think.”

Matteo swallows. He kind of likes this. David challenges him sometimes, to say what he means and what he wants. It’s refreshing. “I think… I would love to see something I haven’t seen before,” he says. 

David gives a shining smile. “Cool. Old abandoned buildings, then. An hour is still a short time, and there are so many amazing places to visit in this city. But I have picked a place I really want to see.”

“Cool.” 

David goes through his backpack. “I always make sure that I bring masks to ward off asbestos and black mold, and I always bring gloves, flashlights and some snacks. And my phone, of course. Charged.”

“You really like to be prepared,” Matteo smiles, and decides to bring their sandwiches, just in case. He puts the backpack on and looks at the Christmas lights surrounding them, remembering that he had heard that Dresden had some really beautiful Christmas markets. “Could we visit one of the Christmas markets, too? Maybe one of the smaller ones?”

“Sure,” David smiles. “I didn’t know that you’re a Christmas sap, Matteo?” 

Matteo just mumbles something inaudible, but can’t hide his smile. He loves it when David teases him; he can’t help it. 

“I guess we don’t have a lot of time,” he says, “so let’s go.”

So they do. They leave the car at the parking lot, and David leads the way. 

“Where are we going?” Matteo asks. 

David gives a mysterious smile. “I saw this building when Laura and I drove to Prague in the autumn,” he explains. “Most people doing exploring like this try to keep the locations a secret, to avoid having people track them down and do bad things.”

“Bad things?” 

“Like, you know, vandalism, or graffiti.”

“Ah, that makes sense.” Matteo cocks his head. “Although I would think that you supported street artists,” he smiles. 

David huffs. “Yeah, there’s sometimes a fine line between art and vandalism, I suppose. I like street art when grey and boring walls are decorated, and the art is good. But shitty tagging in old mansions isn’t really pretty.”

“You’ve found abandoned _mansions_?” 

“Yeah, actually. So far, I’ve visited several mansions, an abandoned mental hospital, several abandoned elementary schools, and a few churches.” 

“Cool.”

“Yeah!” David can’t really hide his excitement. He walks faster and even starts to talk faster: ”These buildings have a thousand stories. I love to film these places and share bits of history on my Insta and stuff, but apart from that, I keep it mostly to myself.” 

Matteo tries his best to take longer steps and not sound totally breathless. “So I bet you won’t tell me anything about where we’re going, then?”

David smiles widely. “You’re right.”

Soon enough they encounter an old building with an industrial look. It’s all yellow bricks and broken windows. 

“Is it a factory?” Matteo asks.

“Not really.” David just smiles and leads the way. He finds a door that is half-open. “Open? I shouldn’t be surprised, actually. A lot of places are left open. I just hope that doesn’t mean that it’s all trashed.”

Matteo just hums and follows David inside. It’s a little dark, so David hands Matteo a flashlight and lights his own.

As they go further inside, the light from the windows is enough, and David starts to take some photos. 

They explore every room, and Matteo loses the count of all the photos David takes. 

Then, finally, they enter a big open space, and Matteo gapes. “A pool?” he asks, amazed. 

“Yeah!” David grins. 

The pool is empty, except for some rainwater in the deep end that must have come through the roof. The roof is pretty trashed. There’s some graffiti on the pool walls, but it’s almost decorative. 

They stare into the big open space and shout to hear the echo of their voices. When David laughs, it’s the most beautiful thing Matteo has ever heard. And his eyes… his eyes are shining.

“You really love this,” Matteo muses. 

David nods, smiling. “Yeah, I really do. I actually feel more energy in an abandoned building than in a crowd of people.”

Matteo lets his words sink in as he looks around the open room in front of him. “I see what you mean,” he finally says. “I love open rooms like these, too. Like churches. I’m maybe not religious, but I still like the openness and calmness in old churches. I guess we can thank Christianity for that. Some really brilliant buildings.”

“And some heavenly acoustics,” David smiles. Then he looks at Matteo, biting his lip. “I have visited a really beautiful old church in Berlin. And there’s an abandoned pool that I haven’t visited yet. I’ve only seen photos, and it looks even better than this. Maybe I can show you one time.”

The suggestion makes all kinds of butterflies and unknown small creatures flutter around inside of Matteo. He can’t help smiling. “I would love that.” 

David holds his gaze for a moment, then he turns around. “Come.” He climbs down into the pool. Matteo follows, feeling a little giddy and almost dizzy. 

They become kids, again, there in the empty pool, running around, pretending to be swimming. 

“We’re under water,” David says, standing right in front of him, and his eyes shine with laughter and everything feels possible. 

And at the same time… Matteo suddenly remembers once when he was a little kid, and he was swimming with his mom. That is, he was too young to swim, so he was hanging onto a swimming ring, and his mom was guarding him, pushing the ring and him in circles around her. But then, one moment someone shouted, she looked away, and Matteo slipped. He sank into the dark water. 

It was terrifying. The panic had his heart hammering against his ribs, his whole body was screaming for air. He couldn’t see anything and he couldn’t find his mom and he couldn’t breathe. Then warm hands were there, pulling him up and into the air and the summer light. He can’t remember what happened next, but he remembers the darkness and the fear. The lack of air. Everything pulling him down.

Sometimes he can still feel that same feeling of being alone, and scared. And he wonders if he ever, since that happened, has tried just to keep his head above water. Then everything is fine. As long as he’s floating along. 

Right now, Matteo feels like something is pulling him under, and it’s terrifying, but it’s good too. Thrilling. It makes him feel more alive, being right here, with David. David is in a way pulling him into something scary, like the deep end of a pool, but he’s also lifting him up, making everything feel safe and like home. 

It’s getting really hard to ignore. 

David looks tense too, behind his games and his teasing. His eyes are on Matteo, and he’s smiling, smiling, smiling.

Matteo shivers and hopes. _Maybe everything can be possible_. 

They pretend to have a competition to hold their breaths, and Matteo feels lightheaded, silly and nervous, and then.

David steps closer. 

He kisses Matteo.

Matteo lets out his air in surprise. 

“I won,” David laughs. Matteo stares at David, not able to look away. What David is, what is beautiful about him, seems to come from deep within; it makes Matteo want to feel how his lips move in a kiss, how his hands follow the curves of his body. David has lovely eyes, yet somehow gentle, that always hold a tiny warmth within them. It’s as if his soul shines through his skin.

The kiss was just a small, innocent peck, and still, it makes blood rush in Matteo’s ears. 

“Rematch,” he demands, almost squeaking, and is delighted when David accepts it.

Matteo buzzes with anticipation. They take deep breaths again, and this time… this time, Matteo knows that he needs to be brave. He needs to dive into the deep scary end of the pool, he needs to go under water. 

Holding their breaths, they stare at each other in the silence. And then… Matteo moves closer and watches as David’s eyes widen. He takes another step, and presses his lips over David’s soft and warm lips. The kiss is soft, and careful, and Matteo’s heart is beating so fast that it thunders in his ears. His hands reach for David, cupping his face. David meets his kiss and pulls him tight. Matteo can feel his warm lips and a hint of tongue between them. It deepens, sweet and wet, growing into an urgent thing.

God, he has wanted this so much. Still wants it. The warm sensation drives him wild, and he can’t help smiling into the kisses. It’s a little like an out of body experience, except he also feels more present in his body than ever before. It’s like he’s drowning and finally breathing freely at the same time. 

He isn’t exactly experienced, but during the other rushed gropes he has actually tried in the past, Matteo hasn’t felt shaky and excited like this. 

This time, David is staring at him, and their soft kisses make tingles go through Matteo’s body. His heart is pounding and he hears himself breathing, each breath heavier than the last, as he draws David closer toward him. Feeling his hands shaking, he bends closer to kiss David deeper. David kisses him back, leaning into him. This is the first time Matteo is full-on sober kissing someone since Sara, and that felt weird and uncomfortable whereas this feels warm and so wet and like something Matteo hasn’t quite realized he’s been craving.

“Hey!”

Someone shouts and interrupts them, and David pulls back. As if in a daze, Matteo registers a man and a dog shouting at them.

They stare at each other, and run. 

Suddenly the man and the whole situation is priceless, and Matteo can’t help giggling. David joins him. They climb out of the pool and run outside, laughing, and it’s exhilarating, and ridiculous, really, and Matteo can’t help thinking that it finally happened. _Finally, finally, finally._

He doesn’t know what it means, and he doesn’t know what David wants, but he knows this. _They kissed._ That has to be a good thing.

##  **_There’s always more to see_ **

“Did you see the look on his face?” David asks, with laughter in his voice.

Their steps have slowed down to a brisk walk. 

“Yeah, priceless,” Matteo grins, pushing his shoulder. “We gave him a show, huh?”

“Yeah, we sure did.”

They look at each other and laugh again. 

However, as their giggles and laughs fade away, Matteo can feel a tentative silence grow between them. It’s like they both know they kissed, but neither of them seem to dare to talk about what that means. David keeps smiling, though, and Matteo does, too. He can’t help bumping his shoulder into David’s, like saying _I like you_ , but without saying it out loud. 

David grows a little silent as they approach a part of the city where there are more people, and mutters something about finding a bathroom. Luckily, they find a small coffee shop where Matteo buys a coffee and they both use the bathroom. When David comes back out, he smiles and looks lighter. 

“My binder was finally dry enough to put on again,” he explains, under his breath.

Matteo nods and suddenly understands why David had gone so silent. Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable without his binder in public. Matteo doesn’t comment on it. It seems right to let David decide what he wants to talk about and what not, when it comes to stuff like this.

And what about the kisses? Matteo can’t forget it. 

_They kissed._

In fact, _he_ kissed David. And it’s not like he’s surprised by himself, of course. He’s been attracted to David from the start. 

He had wanted David when he still was with Sara, even after David had made it clear that he didn’t want anything more to happen between them. 

As Sara kissed him on Abdi’s birthday, Matteo had opened his eyes to see David standing in the doorway. Locking eyes with David from across the room, his lips a breath away from Sara’s, had set off a wildfire in him that never seemed to go away. And as Matteo pulled away from Sara, he realized that he was staring at David, looking for a reaction that never came. 

David had just smiled and greeted everyone. He became a part of their gang that evening, while Matteo got through the party like a lifeless zombie. He remembers now how the comfort of Sara’s wide smile and kind eyes suddenly felt stifling.

It was David he had wanted to kiss, but instead, Sara kissed him. 

After that party, Matteo realized that he couldn’t go on like that anymore, so he ended things with Sara and decided to ignore his feelings, focus on school and forget everything else. Sara didn’t cry much, which he appreciated, but she did hug him close as they said goodbye.

And Matteo ignored his longing and kept on pretending that David was just a friend. He was getting good at pretending. 

Now, Matteo eyes David’s lips and secretly asks himself what all that pretending was for. 

Would it be okay to ask about the kisses, or should he let it be?

He wonders if their time in Dresden is up, but then David insists that they find a Christmas market first, and leads the way. 

They find one of the smaller Christmas markets that’s not quite in the centre of the city, and Matteo is grateful for that. It feels perfect, and a little calmer. Not too commercial.

They get some hot cocoa and gluhwein and sit down to watch other people pass them by while they drink and eat the rest of their sandwiches. It’s nice. They’re surrounded by bright Christmas lights, colours and smells but it’s not too much, it’s just right. Matteo takes his lingering gaze off of the big Christmas tree in the centre, adorned with glistening ornaments and glowing fairy lights draped around it and looks over at David. 

“I’m glad we did this,” he says.

“Cool,” David smiles.

Matteo sips his gluhwein and breathes in the scent of freshly baked Christmas cake coming from a neighboring bakery amidst the stalls in the Christmas Market. The smell reminds him of when he was a kid. “I’m not a huge fan of Christmas shopping, but I really enjoy markets like this.” 

David grins. “Yeah, I do too.”

Matteo suddenly feels a little shy, as he can’t stop thinking about what happened in the pool. He bites his lip, eyes everywhere but on David. Then David moves closer. “You appear all cool and hipstery, Matteo Florenzi, but you’re a softie, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Matteo tries to hide that David affects him, but his breathing becomes softer, and he smiles. “So are you.”

“Probably.”

They smile at each other. David takes another sip from his cup. “So. We ended up spending a little more than an hour in Dresden,” he says, but he sounds more pleased than disappointed.

“Seems like it,” Matteo nods, reveling in the calm feeling stretching between them. “Did you get to see everything you wanted here?” 

“Yeah,” David shrugs. “Though there’s always more to see.”

Matteo leans back, and enjoys the sight of bright colours and Christmas lights surrounding them. “True. I have a feeling that we could have spent days here, walking around, seeing new stuff.”

“Yeah, you’re right. We probably could.” David smiles. “There’s always a possibility to come back, of course.”

Something warm rushes through Matteo. When David talks like this, about possibilities to come, he can’t help it, it gives him hope. “Yeah, I guess,” he smiles.

“Do you think you’ll come back to Dresden?” David inquires, sipping his cocoa. 

“I think so, yeah,” Matteo replies, glancing at the people walking by. “I haven’t travelled that much before, but this place seems worth a revisit.”

“Yeah, I agree. I prefer places like these to… I don’t know, ski holidays.”

“Or cabin trips,” Matteo ads. 

David looks at him quickly. “Do you wish you could go with Jonas and Hanna?”

Matteo must laugh. “Not at all. I love them, but I’ve been the third wheel on a cabin with them one too many times.” 

David’s eyebrows shoot up. “Sounds interesting.”

“Not really.” Matteo smiles, shaking his head. “I prefer this, too.” 

_I prefer being with you_ , he thinks, but of course, he doesn’t say it.

“I’ve been on a cabin trip or two, too,” David says, “I hated skiing, though. Too cold.”

“So you like the city life, huh?” Matteo chuckles. “Like Prague.”

“Yeah.” David smiles. “Prague is nice. Especially at night. It feels calm, and like I belong, almost like…”

“It feels like home,” Matteo says.

“Exactly,” David nods, a contented smile spreading across his face.

“We should go together on one of your exploration tours at night there,” Matteo suggests, turning to face David. He imagines them sneaking around with flashlights in dark, lonely buildings. Matteo feels himself holding his breath as he thinks of grabbing David’s hand and kissing him, there in the darkness.

David glances over, and Matteo feels his face go warm. David’s smile grows even larger, his eyebrows raised high.

“We should,” he replies. Then he sits up. “Oh, wait, you wanted to see some of my pictures,” he says, picking up his camera and handing it to Matteo.

Matteo takes the camera and starts to look at the photos. There are a lot of images from the pool they just visited, but also from places he has never seen before. 

“You’re really good, you know,” he says, impressed. 

David flushes a little and smiles, keeping his eyes on him. “Thanks,” he says.

Matteo keeps looking, and startles when he notices a photo of himself. He’s sitting in the common room, or he’s mostly lying, actually, deeply engulfed in a book. 

“Hey, I didn’t know you took this.”

David reaches for the camera. “It was just an impulse,” he mutters, “and I didn’t want to disturb you.” 

Matteo leans back from David’s reach to keep the camera in his hand. There are several photos from their hostel. Some are just of the interior, and some with some of the students living there. Most of the times, David seems to have taken pictures without people knowing, although there are some where they are smiling at the camera, too. Matteo notices a couple of other shots where he’s hanging out with Jonas. There’s another one of Matteo, where he’s leaning his head on his arms, sleeping at the kitchen table. 

Matteo stares at the photo of himself, fascinated by the lights and shades over his face and arms. He’s not so surprised by the photo itself. Matteo knows he sort of has this unique and somewhat unhelpful talent, to fall asleep anywhere. It’s not like he’s tired all the time, but sometimes he just runs out of energy, and then he’s not so picky about where he finds a place to lean. He has fallen asleep on his friends from time to time, too, however, that hasn’t happened with David yet.

He wonders if it ever will. 

“You should ask for consent, you know,” Matteo teases. “Before you take pictures.”

“That’s enough,” David says, and moves to get the camera. “And I mostly do, you know. I can’t help that you don’t register it.”

Matteo stares at David like he doesn’t believe it, but he hands over the camera willingly. “I doubt that I can avoid registering stuff you do,” he says. “Although I guess I didn’t when I _slept_.”

David just shrugs and laughs. “I guess I couldn’t resist it. You do fall asleep a lot. And the lighting was good.” 

Matteo grins. “The lighting was good,” he mimicks, luring an eye-roll and another laugh out of David. 

David stares at his camera, and then at Matteo. “I should take a photo of us here,” he says. “Can I do that, Herr Florenzi?”

“Sure, Mister Scheibner.”

David sits closer to Matteo and manages to take a shot of them both, with cocoa, gluhwein and all. 

“There. Proof that we were here,” David smiles. 

“Yeah. Oh, that reminds me.” Matteo picks up his phone and takes a quick photo of them. “We should brag about our road trip in our group chat.”

“The big group chat?”

During the Abitur the boys, Hanna and her friends and Hans and Linn had made a common chat. It was a nice way to get hold of everybody.

“Yeah, is it alright with you?” 

“Yeah sure.” 

“Cool.” Matteo posts the photo in the chat, and in a moment of sappiness, he types in: _Drinking in the Christmas atmosphere (roadtrip back to Berlin)_ , and adds a Christmas tree emoji. 

David looks at his phone and raises an eyebrow. “Cute.”

“I know,” Matteo grins. Then, for a second he worries, because he suddenly recalls that Hans knows about his crush on David, and Jonas knows, too. Matteo really hopes they won’t make too much fuss about it. He doesn’t want them to spook David, or anything like that.

Jonas quickly responds: _I wonder what else you two are drinking._ :D

 _Are you both coming to Berlin?_ Amira asks.

 _Have fun, cuties, see you soon_ , Hans comments.

Nothing too bad. Yet. Matteo replies with just a smiley, puts his phone in his pocket and hopes for the best. He notices that David puts away his phone, as well. 

Matteo can’t help wondering again, what this thing is, happening between them. He doesn’t want to push David though, to figure it out. So instead, he takes another sip from his cup. “I used to go to Christmas markets with my mom,” he says. “We rarely bought anything, but we always had cocoa and gluhwein and something to eat.”

He can feel David’s eyes on him. 

“That sounds nice. You don’t do that much anymore, then?” 

Matteo hesitates. “Not really. Mom has been a little sick, you know that, right?”

David nods. 

“She had panic attacks and stuff,” Matteo explains. “It’s been better lately, but I guess we haven’t thought of doing it since I moved out. I really liked to go to the Christmas market with her, though. It could be fun to do again, now that she feels better.” 

“Yeah,” David smiles a small smile. He looks sad.

Matteo drinks up his Gluhwein and pauses, wondering if he should ask what he wants to ask, or let it be. 

“Do you still like Christmas? I mean, with family stuff it always gets complicated, right?”

David nods, slowly. “Family stuff. Yeah.” He is silent for a little while. “I like the Christmases that Laura and I have together,” he finally says. “And I do actually have some fond memories of Christmas Eve, and of presents and stuff, of course. But the holidays do give me mixed feelings, that’s for sure. It’s such a family thing, it’s hard to ignore.”

Matteo nods. “Yeah. I see what you mean.” 

David gets up. “I guess it’s about time we get going.”

“Sounds good,” Matteo nods, and gets up, too. “My ass is freezing. So. Still my turn to drive? I know I drove here, but I don’t mind another go.”

David gives him a long look. “Is it safe to drive after that mulled wine you had?”

“Yeah. It can’t be much alcohol in that small cup. It will be out of the system before we reach the car.” 

“I guess.”

The vibe between them is a little more somber and silent as they walk to the car, but Matteo doesn’t really mind it. They put their backpacks in the backseat and drive out of Dresden.

##  **_Why do you do this?_ **

As they drive on, a new silence grow between them. David seems thoughtful, and he doesn’t even turn on the radio. 

Matteo catches himself obsessing over their kiss back in the empty pool, and how David’s lips had felt against his own. 

He has tried to make his feelings disappear for such a long time, and now that they have kissed, he doesn’t know what to do. He realizes as he stares at David in the passenger seat that his feelings most likely won’t disappear by themselves. Especially not now. 

Perhaps their kiss was just his fantasy seeping out into his consciousness. But as he remembers the warmth of David’s lips and his hands on the small of his back, Matteo knows it was real.

He just wishes he knew what David thinks about it. 

Right now, David seems like he’s far away in his thoughts. Matteo scans his face to figure out what he’s thinking, but he’s impossible to read. The tension in the car is palpable. Matteo has found that silent moments with David can be peaceful. This silence, however, isn’t peaceful at all. It hangs in the air between them, gnaws at his insides. 

David looks out the window. It doesn't matter that they are surrounded for miles by fields - David seems hesitant to look at him.

Maybe he regrets the whole thing. The kiss. Driving together. 

Maybe he wants to get away.

Matteo puts on some music, just to calm his nerves. They drive for a while in silence, with music being the only thing between them, and David’s silence makes Matteo's stomach tighten again. He hates that feeling.

As they’re getting out in the open, Matteo starts to wonder if he really should try to figure out what David wants. If nothing else, he should try to fish for some hints, anyway. He would love to see David again, and hopefully soon. 

David remains silent even as Matteo turns down the music.

“Can we talk?” Matteo asks. 

“Sure,” David answers. He sounds just like himself but at the same time, he doesn’t. The tightness of his voice reminds Matteo of the first time he met him. Or the time when David told him that he was trans. 

“Cool,” Matteo mutters. “Uhm. I just wonder. What is this?” He hasn’t thought out what he wants to say to David just yet, and instead says the first thing that came to mind. 

At this, David turns his head to stare at him.

“What this is?” he asks, an expectant expression on his face. “What do you mean?”

A huge truck drives past them, breaking Matteo’s reverie. David’s expression is so different from earlier, when his face was a lopsided grin and his soft lips were on Matteo’s. Matteo still feels warm when he thinks of the feel of David’s fingertips on his back and in his hair.

Matteo craves just a glimpse of David’s smile again.“I don’t know,” he says, and tries to start over. 

David keeps looking at him, waiting. 

“I just thought… Maybe we can get together sometime over break?” Matteo asks, carefully. He takes a breath, holding it, but David is starting to look shifty.

“I mean, I know you probably have to go home and stuff,” Matteo says into the silence, although he doesn’t really know why David would ever want to see his asshole family again, but that’s none of his business, “but maybe Monday? Or the week after Christmas?”

David’s face closes off a little. “No, I’ll probably just see you back in Prague, you know?” 

“Oh, okay—Wait,” Matteo stops, the words catching up with him. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not going home,” David says carefully. “I’m not going home to my family.”

“Where are you going, then?” Matteo asks, bewildered.

David shrugs. “Probably just gonna…hit the road.”

All the air in the car is suddenly sucked away. Matteo feels his mouth fall open. “So, what, you’re just going to…drive all the way back to Prague?” he sputters, sure David is joking. 

David moves a shoulder uncomfortably. “I mean, not right away. I’ll stop and get some food first, probably. Maybe rest a little.”

“I thought you were coming home for winter break too,” Matteo says. He sounds mystified. He feels mystified. Why had David offered him a ride, then?

“Nah, it’s been years since I’ve been back,” David said dismissively. “I’ll probably just chill in Prague and have Christmas dinner with my sister.” He shifts uncomfortably under Matteo’s incredulous gaze. “I can get some reading started for classes next semester, too.”

Is David just going to leave again?

He really doesn’t want Matteo, does he. Like, _at all._

Matteo can hear the blood pounding in his ears. He swallows. His jaw hurts from clenching it so tightly.

“Dude,” he says, his voice loud in his ears. “You can’t just leave.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, he watches David’s eyebrows creep ever higher on his face. “Um. Yeah, I can.” He waves a hand in front of him. “I only promised to take you to Berlin.” He sits back, flipping a page in his book, like whatever, he is done with this, no matter that he’s flipped Matteo’s world upside down.

David always leaves. Matteo had thought he had found a way to accept that, but he really hasn’t. The two of them were just starting to get to know each other better again and now David just runs away? Matteo knows he’s probably reading too much into this, but he can’t help feeling hurt. Hurt and fucking annoyed. 

Matteo pulls over onto the shoulder with a jerk, ignoring the honks of the cars behind him and the startled squawk David makes as he is thrown against the car door.

“What the fuck, Matteo?” David grumbles, his book flying from his hands to the floor. He stares at Matteo. 

“No, what the fuck, David?,” Matteo says, emphatically. “Don’t do this. Don’t just... leave. Not _again_.”

David stills. 

They are both breathing hard, their seat belts the only thing holding them back as they twist around to glare at each other.

“Fuck, I know I’m a little much sometimes, man, and I know I’m gay as fuck and stuff. And that kiss in the pool was maybe not what you had in mind. But just… it’s not like I’m going to jump your bones without warning or anything. You don’t have to keep running away,” Matteo says heatedly, because that is the crux of it, here he’s been having a nice harmless silent crush on David, but David had to fuck it up. “I can give you all the fucking space you need, you know.”

David stares at him. Bites his lip. “What… No… I’m just giving you a lift. I have nobody in Berlin. Not really. You know that.” He sighs, and looks pained, and almost bitter. “Forgive me for not wanting to stay in this godforsaken city.”

 _You have me_ , Matteo thinks, although he knows it’s unfair. Still, he seems to blurt everything out at the moment. “ _I’m_ here,” he mutters. 

David’s eyes soften, but he keeps his chin out. “That’s cool, but maybe I don’t want to hang on your heels for the whole break, you know.”

"You could have fooled me earlier," Matteo shoots back. His heart is racing, and he knows the reasons too well. He also knows that he’s being unreasonable.

David blinks. “I… That was… I guess.” 

Matteo shakes his head, knowing he’s pushing too hard. “Sorry. I just… Of course, you don’t have to hang in my heels,” he mutters. “And. I guess those kisses don’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to. I just…” 

David swallows. “It doesn’t?” he asks, staring at Matteo. “Okay. Sure. Well, what do you want it to mean, then?”

_I want it to fucking mean something. I want you. I want us to be together._

But David doesn’t want that, though, Matteo knows that. David enjoys being on his own. And he is leaving. Again. 

“I don’t know,” Matteo mutters, determined to give David the distance he needs. No pressure. He tries to find the right words, that won’t push David away. “I guess it was something that just happened? Like a dare?” 

He silently hopes that David will protest, but he doesn’t. David leans back in his seat and nods. “I suppose. So I guess it was sort of just. A game, then?” he mumbles, looking out the window again. “That’s what you’re saying, right?”

David’s face is impossible to read. The knot in Matteo's stomach twists tighter, and he feels his chest ache and it almost feels like he’s underwater and almost out of air. _No._ That’s not what Matteo means, _at all_. For him, this thing between them is far from a game. But it doesn’t matter. It seems like it might be for David.

He’d better not make a big deal out of it. 

“I guess,” he says, but can’t continue. His eyes sting. 

David looks at him, and Matteo can tell that he’s hesitant, and maybe even concerned. But what he’s hesitant or concerned about is hard to tell. “Okay,” David whispers.

Matteo takes a deep breath, trying to clear his mind. David really wants to travel back to Prague. This just doesn’t make sense. “But… Why would you drive four hours both ways for no reason?” he demands.

“It’s not a big deal,” David says, almost muttering. 

Matteo doesn’t care. “Why did you drive me all the way here then?” he insists, reaching out to grab David’s elbow so he can’t whirl away. “Why, David?”

David yanks his arm back. “Because I feel like it, okay?” he shoots back.

But Matteo can’t let it go, not now. “Why?”

David takes a breath, glancing away. When he looks back, his eyes are hooded and vulnerable. He keeps glancing down at his shoes. “It’s not a big deal, fuck. Just let it go.”

“Just tell me,” Matteo says softly. He can’t take his eyes off of David. 

David glances up, looking anxious. His eyes are wide. 

For a while there, Matteo thinks David will just refuse to answer. So he almost doesn’t hear the soft words, when David finally opens his mouth, looking pained. “You just looked so sad. I couldn’t…I didn’t want you to be stuck there if you didn’t want to be there.”

Suddenly, the car feels too small, and Matteo feels nervous, but nervous like right before they kissed.

“You drove me all the way back home because you didn’t want me to be sad?” Matteo asks. He sounds wobbly, but he can't help it. He can't believe what he’s hearing.

David turns away, his cheeks going ruddy with a blush. 

Matteo sighs, not knowing what to think anymore. He gets that staying in Berlin maybe doesn’t tempt David that much. Still, he doesn’t want David to drive back in the middle of the night. “Alright. I get that you want to go back. But you should at least stay the night, you know. Mia is away, and the new tenant, too. You can have your own private room. You can’t just drive back this late.”

Something new flickers in David’s eyes, but then it’s gone. He bites his teeth together. “I like it best on my own. I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Fuck, you’re no burden, David! Can’t you just… stop being so stubborn?“

“Yeah, well,” David says, but he doesn’t sound as annoyed now. He shakes his head as he looks at Matteo’s hands gripping the steering wheel like he’s trying to strangle it. “Maybe I can if you can.” 

To anyone else, it wouldn’t sound like much, but Matteo takes it for what it is: a chance to calm down and talk things through.

“I’m not stubborn,” Matteo mutters, tacitly reverting to their previous teasing. He flushes in surprise as David barks out a surprised laugh.

“Man, you are,” David says. "Just… Just focus on driving, Matteo. I'm tired of looking at these white fields," he says. David is smiling now, still shaking his head as Matteo puts the car into drive and pulls back out into traffic. “But fine. I will think about it. Okay?”

Matteo nods. “Fair enough.”

“So, do you think you can drive for a bit without scaring the shit out of me?” David asks, still smiling. 

“Sure, as long as you behave.”

“Of course I will, I’m a good boy.”

“Yeah, a good boy who breaks into abandoned buildings,” Matteo smiles, straightening his flat cap as they fall back into the easy rhythm of teasing banter, almost like he’s with Jonas or some of the other boys, except he doesn’t find himself staring at his buddies’ lips and wondering what they taste like. With Jonas, not anymore, anyway.

After a while, David holds up a bag of chips. "You want some?" he asks. His tone is gentle, and Matteo sees it for what it is. A peace offering.

Smiling, he grabs some chips and eat them up. He stares at the road ahead, clinging to the thought of them kissing. That was _real_ , and though David more or less denies it, the memories are Matteo’s now. And as they drive on, he thinks, _I have that, at least._

Then he looks at the dashboard and freezes. “Shit, we need to charge the battery,” he tells David.

David leans over the middle console to squint at the dashboard, and Matteo does his best to remain still and not flinch at the warm, soft contact of David’s shoulder against his side. David’s dark head is just below his chin. If he leaned forward just a tiny bit, he’d be able to smell him.

He does actually flinch then, because _fuck, smell him_? He is falling apart over here, good god, half a day in a car with David and he already has to forcibly restrain himself from jumping David’s bones. 

“Yep, looks like we do,” David finally says, and Matteo honestly needs to take a second to remember what they were even talking about. 

“Well, we’re not that far from Schwarzheide, we can find a charging station there,” he mutters. 

David settles back, nodding in agreement. Matteo forces himself not to glance over again. They did kiss, but David has once again made it clear that he wants to get away. That probably means he doesn’t want more to happen with Matteo. So. They only have a couple of hours to go. Matteo is pretty sure he can do this without making a total fool of himself. He just needs to fucking focus and he’ll be _fine_.


	4. The city of punts and pickles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo and David are still on their roadtrip back to Berlin, and there's a lot of tension. Matteo shows a skill, and David has a small surprise for him. They talk, but do they talk about the things they need to talk about?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter! A little earlier than planned, this time, heh. Again, thank you so much to @evakuality and @mynameisnotthepoint for beta reading and holding my hand! You are amazing. <3 And thank you, everybody, for reading and commenting, I'm kinda overwhelmed by all the nice feedback. Don't be afraid to tell me both good and bad. ;)
> 
> For this chapter, I couldn't decide what artwork to use, so I have two. :D Hope you like it!

##  **_I_ _can’t believe this just happened_ **

Matteo’s not remotely fine. Finding the charging station proves to be a little bit more tricky than they thought. And they’re both pretty tense, wondering if they will reach it before the car stops. At the same time, the tension Matteo is feeling is for completely different reasons ( _what did that kiss mean, why did David call it a game, and god does he like Matteo or doesn’t he?_ ). But in the end, they’re finally there, a little north of Schwarzheide. The dashboard indicates that it’s five in the afternoon. 

Matteo looks at the parking lot, the charging station, and the trees surrounding them. He takes a deep breath, but the jittery feeling inside still won’t go away. “This is really something, huh?” he jokes. He turns around to find David looking away quickly. 

Matteo’s heart begins to race as he realizes that David might be a little nervous, too.

“Yeah, sure, beautiful view.” David mutters. “I did plan a stop not far from here,” he says, stretching his back, “but I didn’t plan to stand at a charging station in the middle of nowhere with nothing much to look at. I don’t know how I forgot to charge the car at our last stop.” 

“Maybe because I’m so distracting,” Matteo grins, trying to hide his nerves. 

He says it as a joke, but David looks like he partly believes him. “Wouldn’t surprise me,” he says under his breath.

_Huh. That’s interesting._

“Well,” Matteo says and stretches, too. His body aches from sitting still for too long. “Maybe there’s nothing much to look at here, but we could still get out of the car for a bit?”

David almost looks grateful when he gives him a smile. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” 

He gets out to plug the car into the charger, and Matteo follows to stretch his legs. The air is cold on his skin, but at least it makes him feel a little more awake. Slowly his nerves are seeping out of him as he takes a deep breath of air and stretches, one more time. He can feel the fatigue of the journey in his muscles, and he yawns.

David is busy with the charger. Matteo smiles as he sees David struggling to make it work. 

“Are you going to just stand there and mock me, or are you going to help me?” David asks, dryly. When he looks at Matteo though, there’s only warmth in his eyes. Matteo moves to stand next to him.

“What’s the problem?”

“I don’t think I know how to use this,” David mutters. 

Matteo takes a quick look, and his fatigue is replaced with curiosity. “I think you haven’t opened an account with the provider of this station,” he says, and reaches for David’s phone. “I can fix it if you like.” 

David nods and hands him his phone.

“It’s ridiculous how the competing businesses make charging tricky sometimes,” Matteo explains as he makes the account and adds the right app on David’s phone. “Some stations show up in one app, and some in another, and then if you don’t have the right account, you’re screwed.” 

Within a couple of minutes, things are fixed.

“You make it look so easy,” David sighs, shaking his head.

“I’ve always had an interest in stuff like this,” Matteo explains, and tries not to notice that their fingers touch as he returns the phone to David.

“Right. I thought you didn’t drive much?” 

“Jonas drove an electric car, and I always had to help him out.” Matteo smiles. “Also, I kind of like stuff like this. You know, gizmos.” 

“Yeah, I know.”

Matteo looks up to find David staring at him, with something unknown sparkling in his eyes. He’s looking at Matteo in a way that makes his stomach drop. David’s brown eyes look dark, and wild, then, and Matteo wants David to take him down; to wrestle him to the ground in a silly playfight. He wants to feel the warmth from David’s body and the movements of his muscles. He wants to attack David with another kiss. Matteo wants the sparkle in David’s eyes to be directed towards just him. _For him. Because of him._ Matteo wants to bring David joy; be the source of those lit eyes.

_Shit._

“Well, that’s that,” he says nervously as he dusts his hands. Not that he needs to. But it feels appropriate. 

“Yeah, that’s that,” David smiles. “I guess we have half an hour to kill.”

Matteo nods, suddenly feeling drained of energy. _Half an hour of waiting._ Sometimes, he can be good at waiting. When he just lets his head empty and enjoys the peace. Or he takes a nap. Now is not really a moment like that. He’s a little too tired and too restless at the same time. 

He goes back to his side of the car, but instead of going back inside, he leans on the side of the car again. Well, to be honest, he doesn’t so much lean as he hangs limp against the car like a drenched towel. He feels like every muscle is giving into gravity. He always gets a little tired and sleepy in the afternoon, but this is kind of ridiculous. Maybe it’s because of the long ride, or the emotional rollercoaster he’s been on the last few hours, but his brain feels like it’s on two percent battery. 

What he wants is sleep, a nice warm bed and a solid night of rest without bad dreams. That will have to wait, though. Some fresh air is all he can get right now. At least he’s able to stretch his feet, lean back and soak in the calm peace of this isolated place. 

David seems to be reluctant to get back into the car, too. In spite of the boring view, he actually picks up his camera and starts wandering around. He takes photos of some of the cars, the trees, and the road. Matteo watches him for a moment, but then he picks up his phone to scroll through his Insta. Well, to be honest, he mostly follows David with his eyes, hoping that he’s finding some interesting things to shoot, after all.

When Matteo finally manages to focus on his phone, he notices that their Insta post from Dresden has gotten more hearts and comments. Matteo looks through them, smiling at the silliest comments. There isn’t that much that captures his interest, though, so he puts his phone in his pocket and leans his head back. The sky is washed in greys and blues, it seems like it’s already starting to get darker. And colder. Matteo doesn’t mind the cold, doesn’t really mind winter, either. It just _is_. And right now, right here, with David, he doesn’t mind anything at all, really. 

At least not when he’s not trying to figure out what’s going on between them. Not thinking and not wondering seems to be the best solution, at least for now. 

David comes back, leans on the car next to Matteo and gives him a half-smile.

Matteo raises his head and watches him without facing him directly, his heart hammering, but he keeps his posture casual with no hint of nerves. Or that’s what he hopes. 

“Looks like you found some interesting stuff to take photos of, after all?” he comments. 

“Yeah, I did,” David nods. He opens the door and stretches in to put his camera away. His jacket rides up and reveals his lower back. Matteo can’t tear his eyes away from David or his movements. David’s brown skin so tempting to touch, and his every move is giving away his strength and grace. Matteo’s mouth falls open, and he’s only vaguely aware that he’s staring.

“Matteo,” David says, standing back up, and Matteo wonders if it’s the second time David calls his name. 

_Get a grip_ , Matteo tells himself and meets his eyes. “Yeah?” he replies, and hopes that he doesn’t blush too much.

“Are you okay?” David asks, looking almost amused. “You almost look high.”

Matteo barks out a laugh. “Not high. Just tired from travelling, I guess,” he answers.

“Okay. It’s not that far now,” David comments.

“Cool. It’s no problem, though. I’ll survive,” Matteo says nervously. He drums his fingers against the car, debating about getting back into the car or not. David looks at him sharply.

“I mean, I’m good,” he explains. “Maybe just a little low on energy, that’s all.”

As he rubs at his face, he thinks he sees David smile out of the corner of his eye.

Matteo lets out a controlled breath and attempts to loosen the tension in his body. He doesn’t know if it’s enough to fool David, but it’s worth the try. 

“What did you hope to find where you planned to stop?” he asks.

David shrugs. “Nothing much. I planned to stop in Schwarzheide and maybe have a look at the church there, or some of the memorials. This is good enough, though.”

“Cool,” Matteo says. “No abandoned buildings, though?” 

“I guess not. Although this place seems pretty abandoned, right now, anyway.”

“True.”

David gives Matteo a slight smile, and in that split second, Matteo wonders what would happen if they kissed again. What if he leans his head just inches closer? Matteo wonders what David’s shoulder would feel like under his lips, and tries to remember how his mouth tasted. 

The only thing that holds him back is the memory of David’s silence during their drive earlier. And their talk.

Matteo looks as his feet. Where does all this tension come from? From their kiss? Or their talk? Should they try to talk about it again? Or just let it be? Is Matteo just being weird? Matteo has no idea. So much for not thinking or wondering. He fiddles with his fingers, pulls on the end of his jacket, and then he can’t let the silence go on anymore.

“So,” he finally says. He feels his mouth go dry.

“So,” David smiles. He looks calm, but there’s something guarded or at least careful over his eyes as he watches Matteo. 

Matteo takes a deep breath. “I thought that we should maybe talk about… We kissed. In that empty pool.”

“We did,” David nods. 

“And then you kind of surprised me with that whole “going back to Prague”-thing, and that kind of distracted me a little.”

David raises his eyebrows. “Yeah, and you practically drove us off the road.”

Matteo huffs in protest. “I did not. And don’t try to get me off topic, David. I just… I know that we agreed that the kiss was kind of a game, sort of, but. What was it? Was it like a one-time thing, or what?” 

David stares at him, and blinks, and if Matteo ever has seen a deer in headlights look, this is it. 

“Uhm...” David starts. 

Matteo is too nervous to wait for his answer. “I mean, I get it,” he interrupts, “that’s probably the best, right? That we don’t let it go too far?” 

David stares at him. “I guess. If that’s what you want?”

What _he_ wants?

As Matteo takes in David’s dark eyes and soft lips, all he wants to do is to pull him close and kiss him again. He wants to kiss David so badly that it’s a physical ache. 

He can’t do that, though, can he?

The thing is, Matteo knows that he should be careful. He should wait and see what David wants before he does anything stupid. And still, as he looks deep into David’s dark eyes, he feels like he’s drawn to a magnet. Matteo leans closer to David, his hands shaking slightly, his mind repeating the same sentence over and over: ‘ _Don’t do this, don’t do this_.’ But his heart is beating so loudly he can't concentrate. It feels like it’s going to explode.

He looks into David’s eyes, and the swirl of emotions he sees there make his breath shake. He sees hunger. Want. That’s _something_ , isn’t it?

Finally, Matteo’s lips touch David’s, and as David answers his kiss, a rush of joy goes through him. It’s a small, yet warm kiss. It’s almost baffling how such an innocent kiss can be so intimate and electrifying. 

And it’s with that one kiss that Matteo knows he’s in too deep. For David, this is probably a game, or a _maybe_ , or a _goodbye_ , but for Matteo, it’s a reason to hold _on, and on, and on_ . His limbs tremble, and he feels like a coward in that moment. He doesn’t want this to be just a _maybe_. He doesn’t want David to leave. Not now, not anytime. 

He lowers his head. He’s certain that when he pulls his head up again, David will be gone. Not literally, perhaps, they still have some kilometers to drive. But he will draw back. Matteo doesn’t want that. This kiss contains so much want and nostalgia and Matteo almost wants to cry.

However, when he finally looks up, David holds his gaze. Then he leans closer and kisses him again. 

Matteo shivers as David holds him gently, cupping his face with one hand. He leans closer and softly kisses the tender area at the base of his neck. Matteo swallows as warmth rushes through him. He’s breathless with delight as David gives him gentle, soft kisses, each with its own flicker of warmth. Matteo gazes at him, thrilled beyond words. David draws back and watches him. 

“Is this okay?” David whispers.

“Yeah.” Matteo feels warm in his face under David’s scrutiny. David looks at him, his eyes softening with tenderness before sparking with something else. He kisses Matteo again, his lips demanding. Matteo feels a smoldering fire within as David’s grip tightens, pressing him closer. 

Matteo’s body flushes. The heat seems to travel through his veins, warming him. Just as he feels a rush of euphoric bliss soar through him, making his whole body sing with joy. All he can focus on is David. On the soft moan he just makes, or the way he smells and tastes. 

David wraps his arms around Matteo’s body, bringing them flush together. Matteo is already half-hard in his jeans, and the sensation of David’s body against him makes him shiver. He pulls back enough to look at David, drink in his dilated eyes and his kiss-swollen pink mouth.

He watches David swallow, the movement of his throat, and then David dives back in, biting his way roughly, harshly, so perfectly into Matteo’s mouth. Matteo hardly has a moment to react before David presses his tongue to the seam of his lips and delves inside his mouth. 

They crash backwards, Matteo’s back hitting the car, and then David is standing between Matteo’s legs, stepping forward so his thigh is tucked up in Matteo’s crotch and all Matteo needs to do is sit back and ride the pressure from David’s leg beneath him. David is everything in that moment. Matteo lets out little whimpers of anticipation. 

“Fuck, Matteo,” David mutters, biting at Matteo’s throat as Matteo pulls his mouth free, needing to gasp a little to catch his breath.

He can’t take his hands off David though, just keeps running them down until he can ease under David’s coat. David wraps a hand around Matteo’s neck to drag their mouths together again. 

They pull apart and open their eyes, taking shaky, shallow breaths. They stare at each other, deep into each other's eyes.

 _Wow_. This is a lot. Probably a little too much for a public parking lot in the middle of nowhere.

“Maybe this isn’t the right place,” David mutters, sounding out of breath.

Matteo groans. “Yeah, probably not,” he admits. They collapse against each other, Matteo holding up most of their weight against the car. He takes deep breaths, trying to control the need surging through his body. 

They look at each other and smile a little. 

“I thought we were going to talk,” David whispers against Matteo’s neck, then he chuckles. 

“Yeah.” Matteo returns with a shaky smile. He doesn’t know what more to say. He doesn’t even know if he wants to hear what David has to say. 

“I’m not sure that I know what to say,” he mumbles. 

“Me neither.” It’s almost a whisper. David is staring at his feet, still smiling a little. “Maybe we can save it for later?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Okay.” David takes a deep breath. “Ready to get going again?” he asks, still holding onto Matteo, but glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. 

Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but David seems nervous, too. And happy. But that’s probably just Matteo projecting. 

“Yeah, good idea,” he replies. He presses his forehead to David’s, his hands still on David’s back, still trying to pull himself together.

“This was... nice,” David says, a content smile on his face.

“You’re suddenly in a good mood,” Matteo points out.

“Well, I took some really nice photos,” David replies in a teasing voice. “And I guess it helped to stretch my legs a little.”

It takes a moment Matteo registers that David is kind of joking. 

“Stretching your legs, huh,” Matteo hums, chuckling. 

“Yeah, it was... refreshing.”

“Good,” Matteo grins, “Because you’re driving.”

“Good.” David stretches again. Smirking, he adds, “I’m the better driver, anyway.”

Matteo laughs and rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah, okay,” he mumbles, shoving David’s shoulder in jest and ignoring the warmth he can feel through his jacket.

“I mean, you’d probably be somewhere in Poland without me,” David continues dramatically, “You’re lucky I’m here!”

Matteo smiles and takes in David’s content smile.

“Yeah,” Matteo replies, quietly, “I am.”

David’s smile freezes on his face for a second before he moves away. “Come on, man, we should get going soon,” he says, his voice sounding bright.

Matteo follows him, feeling lightheaded and almost giggly. “I can’t believe this just happened,” he breathes as they get into the car. 

David grins, looking into Matteo’s eyes. His expression is teasing, but at the same time his eyes are more soft than Matteo knew eyes could be. 

“I can,” David says, his own breath still labored. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you like this for a long time.”

##  **_I have a surprise for you_ **

Matteo feels loose-limbed and loopy when they settle back into the car. David gets into the driver’s seat, and Matteo is slightly relieved. He’s just experienced the hottest making out session of his life, and his brain is in no condition to focus on anything, right now. Especially not driving. 

_I’ve been wanting to kiss you like this for a long time._ The phrase loops in his mind and he can’t let it go.

David drives out of the charging station. “Stop smiling so much, it’s weird,” he says and punches Matteo’s arm, but he smiles too. Matteo huffs out a laugh. He hasn’t been focusing on it, but when David mentions it, he notices he is grinning widely like a fool.

“My bad,” Matteo says, biting his lip to try and school his face into a more neutral expression, but he’s only successful for maybe half a minute. David just shakes his head and keeps on driving.

After a while, his tongue still loose and easy, Matteo hears himself talking, surprising even himself at the words. “I like travelling with you. Not just because of… the kisses, you know, but... This is nice. Everything is just nice.” 

It isn’t like David has asked, but it still feels like a relief to say the words out loud.

“Yeah.” 

David’s voice is unbelievably soft. It makes Matteo feel warm inside. He slides further into his seat. _Damn_ , this crush thing is getting harder and harder to keep under wraps.

They reach Lübbenau/Spreewald around 18:18, and it’s getting darker already. Matteo likes it. Their surroundings are beautiful in a sort of calm way. Lübbenau seems to be a sleepy town characterised by meadows and waterways. Like a quiet escape from everything stressful.

“What’s here, then?” Matteo asks, looking around. 

David smiles crookedly. “I’m here, right?”

Matteo can’t help smiling. “Yeah.”

They stare at each other. Then David blinks and looks out at the trees surrounding them.

“Okay. Let’s go,” he murmurs before adding, more clearly, “To have a look at this place.”

“Oh! Right. Yeah, of course,” Matteo replies, his voice sounding too loud between them. David peers up at him, his brows furrowed. But then, he smiles and stretches his hand out to Matteo.

“Come on.”

Matteo takes his hand and follows. 

“Can I ask you something?” David says, as they walk from the parking lot.

“Yeah?” Matteo turns to look at him. David is still staring straight ahead.

“Are you scared, Matteo?” David sounds hesitant.

Matteo pauses and thinks for a moment. He’s basically scared all the time. He’s scared of messing up and scared of pushing people away. But that’s probably not what David has in mind. 

“Of what?” he asks.

“About what’s gonna happen when you get back from the break? About figuring out what to do next? And after Prague?”

Matteo doesn’t have a plan, and certainly not a particular career in mind, but he reasons that until he figures it out, he’ll piece together a few odd jobs.

“I try not to think too much about it. I prefer just winging it,” he answers, shrugging.

They cross a small bridge over one of the channels and they stop, resting their arms on the reeling and looking down into the black water. 

“Sounds good to me,” David sighs. “Sometimes I wonder if doing this is the right choice. My family’d probably prefer it if I did something more useful. And sometimes I think they’re right.”

“You do what you like to do, David,” Matteo protests. “Sounds like the right thing to do, to me.”

“Yeah, I hope so.” 

There is so much in David's silence, so much he just won't say. Matteo can see by his expression there's a lot going on in his head, but if Matteo asks, David will probably just say that it’s nothing. Or he’ll make a joke or compliment Matteo and tell him he’s looking good or something. Got to give the boy credit, he's smoother than silk sometimes. And clever. And creative. Matteo knows that David can manage whatever he sets his mind on.

“And if the movie business doesn’t work out, you always have your art,” he comments.

David scoffs. “Right.”

“Well, it’s true!”

David stares into the water under them. “Talk about scary. A life as an artist is not very secure, you know.”

“Maybe not.”

Matteo pauses. David let Matteo look through his sketchbook once, and Matteo has been holding on to that feeling of sitting with David’s drawings in his hands, David’s eyes trained on him. He remembers David’s drawings being sharp, like his edges, but vulnerable in a way that he rarely showed to others, except, perhaps, to Matteo.

“David, your drawings are really good,” Matteo says. “Really, really good.”

“Thank you.”

And if, in a different realm, Matteo has forgotten that he’s in love with David, the moment David smiles serves as a reminder of just how smitten he is.

Matteo knows he’s safe with David, even if he does keep secrets. Loving him doesn't give Matteo the right to know every pain and doubt David experiences, to rummage through the wreckage in David’s head. Some scars are invisible, and Matteo guesses that David carries his share. Matteo slips his hand into David’s, has to be close to him, feel the connection between them in some form.

“Do you know what depression is like?” Matteo asks.

David looks at him quickly. “I guess. A feeling of loss of hope, maybe?” He replies in a small voice.

“Sort of. But it’s also the pain that is too much to deal with. It’s something that you can’t escape, no matter how hard you try. It constantly follows you around, like... black smoke choking you from the inside out.” Matteo pauses, and gathers his thoughts. “I don’t yet know if I have depression, or anxiety, or something else entirely. I mean, sometimes I’m fine, and at other times I feel like shit. But I know fear, and I know how it is to doubt... everything.”

 _Damn._ Matteo doubts that he ever has talked about this so honestly before, not even to his therapist. He swallows.

David looks at him, and waits. 

“My point is that… I think it’s smart not to let the fear win, if you know what I mean?”

“How so?

Matteo shrugs. “I guess you’ll never know if something is right unless you try,” he says gently. And he wonders if David picks up that he’s talking about more than David’s art.

“That’s not how it works,” David replies, carefully.

At that moment, Matteo yearns for the easy warmth that he feels with David sometimes. He wants David’s body against his; he wants to hear the sound of his breathing, to see the rise and fall of his chest. He wants to fall asleep, only to wake up with David wrapped around him. He wants to see David’s lazy smile as he drives along empty highways. He wants David free and happy just as much as he wanted him when he was silent and careful. He wants David.

“It could work,” Matteo says quietly.

“It could fail,” David mumbles, “And I would lose everything then.”

“You wouldn’t,” Matteo replies, and now he’s the one wondering if they’re still talking about movies and art or something else entirely. 

Their eyes lock briefly before David looks away. “It’s not something I want to risk,” he whispers.

Matteo gives him a quick look. “I _am_ scared about making the right choice, you know,” he admits. “That’s why I find it so difficult to choose all the time. And to say what I want.”

Again, he’s surprised by his own honesty. Sometimes he wonders if his difficulties to decide are linked to his Christian background. He has this urgent need to make the _right_ choice. Not a bad one. Or sinful, for that matter.

The notion of sin has never sat too well with Matteo, of course. Being gay can’t be a sin. Having sex can’t be a sin. What he sees are things people do that are either helpful or not helpful. Sex between life partners is a good thing. It bonds them, creates joy, relieves stress. How can that be a bad thing?

Still, he sometimes feels like the concept of sin sticks to him like glue. He has this unwanted need to be a good guy. A decent guy (a guy who doesn’t leave his sick mother, a guy who doesn’t break up his best friends, a guy who doesn’t scare his friends away). 

“I just want to choose right,” Matteo mumbles. 

David nods. He doesn’t really look surprised. “I guess it’s just how it is,” he says, “with choices.” He squeezes Matteo’s hand. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Some choices are worth it,” Matteo says and swallows. He knows he’s being kind of obvious right now, but he can’t help it. 

“Yeah.” David groans. “Can we just… can we just drop it for now? I don’t want to talk about anything anymore,” he asks, his voice almost pleading.

“Yeah,” Matteo says, knowing that feeling far too well. ”That’s fine.”

They cross the bridge in silence. Then, multiple strings of Christmas lights appear in front of them.

“I have a small surprise for you,” David says as they approach the centre of the town. 

He smiles secretly as he leads Matteo to a small christmas market. The sight of it, with all the lights and ornaments, and the church and castle illuminated by orange floodlights in the background, is pretty impressive. 

“Cool,” Matteo smiles.

“I thought you’d like this,” David laughs. “You Christmas sap.”

Matteo is suddenly warm all over. “You were right. I do like it.”

David hums. “It’s a pity we weren’t here earlier, though” he says. “I’ve always wanted to try the _Adventzauber_ by boat here. It’s like an advent-theatre boatride, really magical.”

Matteo shrugs. “Another time, I guess,” he says.

This is more than enough, really. It’s good. He’s here, with David. It’s a lot more than he ever could wish for. 

David bumps his shoulder and his eyes light up. “Do you know what they call this place?”

“No?” Matteo grins and pretends to be shocked. “What, have you studied up on Lübbenau?” 

David just chuckles. “Not really, but I had to google the places we went to when you talked about Prague and the spires.” 

“So what do they call this place, then?”

“The city of punts and pickles.” 

Matteo snorts. “It doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, does it?”

“Nah, but it’s pretty accurate, with the boats and all the pickles they make here. I kind of like it.”

Matteo smiles. “Yeah.”

The Christmas market is really cozy. The festively designed stalls, illuminated with twinkling Christmas lights, vibrant ornaments and brightly colored signs, are lined up along either side of their path and have a variety of delectable treats, fragrances, skillfully hand-crafted greeting cards and a seemingly unlimited choice of gifts. 

As they stroll through the market, Matteo watches as people swarm around the stalls offering sweets like bees. Matteo pauses for a moment, holding David’s hand, to enjoy the view. The warm smiles of the people behind the stalls as they toss freshly roasted, golden brown chestnuts into paper cones or carefully pour creamy hot chocolate into mugs and add generous layers of whipped cream, are returned by the beaming grins of the children who are eagerly waiting to get their mug. The loud, spirited laughter of adults can be heard over the continuous chatter surrounding the vivacious atmosphere. Lovers stroll hand in hand, casually browsing, whilst others hustle and bustle, trying to find the perfect last-minute present.

 _This is really nice._

Matteo suddenly notices something that makes him laugh out loud. He nudges David and points to one of the stalls, grinning. 

“Pickles.” 

David laughs. “Of course. Pickles! Actually, we should try some. Come!” He drags Matteo along to the stall. “My treat,” he says, as he buys a small jar of pickled cucumbers and gets two plastic forks. 

“Wow, thank you,” Matteo grins. “Gherkins! This must be the first time I’ve had pickles at a Christmas market.”

“Well, you know, there’s a first time for everything,” David laughs, as he bites into one of the gherkins. “Mm, pickles don’t get much better than this,” he says between chews. 

“You’re right,” Matteo grins, munching on his own. “This is like... the perfect fusion of sweet, salty and sour.”

“They would work very well on cheese toasties.”

David’s smile makes Matteo feel warm, and he suddenly doesn’t feel the cold air or notice the bustling crowd surrounding them. He can’t help hoping that David feels it too, this wordless thing between them. Even if they haven’t talked things through, and even if everything is uncertain, there’s something there that they don’t speak of. It’s there in their laughter, in the soft way they touch, and the the looks they share. It’s also there in the way they remind each other of moments they’ve spent together. 

It can’t just be in Matteo’s imagination, can it? 

“They sure would,” he says, softly. 

They smile at each other, and in that moment, they don’t have to say anything. Then David puts away the jar and they walk back to the car in silence, still holding hands. 

_I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time._ David’s words echo in Matteo’s mind. Maybe, Matteo should just be happy with the unspoken thing going on between them, but he needs to know what David means. No matter if he decides to drive back to Prague or he decides to stay, Matteo wants to know if there’s a chance for something more than a friendship, hand holding and random kisses. 

He doesn’t want to feel lonely anymore.

And still, he doesn’t know how to ask.

David breaks the silence first. “This was nice. I’m glad I decided to be your travelling buddy, Matteo.”

_Travelling buddy. Right._

“We’re more than travelling buddies though, aren’t we?” Matteo asks, his voice shaking just slightly.

David becomes still, and his mouth sets into a thin line.

“Matteo,” he mutters and stops in his track.

“What?” Matteo asks, his voice coming out higher than expected. 

David keeps standing still, biting his lip. “You can’t say shit like that,” he sighs.

“Shit like what?” Matteo asks, though he knows the answer. David stares at him, and Matteo is shocked to see not frustration, but something similar to pain. It’s the same face he sees when David talks about his family, and his choices. The look he had on the bridge, when he talked about losing it all as they stared into the water.

“I mean… You know what I mean,” David says quietly.

“About being something more?” Matteo questions, stepping closer, despite already knowing the answer. 

David nods, almost imperceptibly. Matteo notices that David is staring at his lips, and he edges even closer.

“Why not?” Matteo whispers. 

The air around them is cold but when he shivers it’s not from the cold.

“It’s… I....” David tries, and Matteo notices how he swallows. 

Matteo wonders again what David fears so much. It can’t be just about his future. Or the fact that he’s trans. Matteo knows that. So what is it?

Matteo is desperate now. He needs to know this. 

“Did you mean it?” he finally dares to ask.

“Mean what?” 

“Did you mean that you have wanted to kiss me for a long time?”

David stares at him. Then: “Yes.”

The answer is simple, but Matteo can’t grasp it. How does this fit with the image he has of David leaving him again and again? 

“I thought,” Matteo starts. “I guess I just thought you didn’t like me like that.”

David stares at him then, and raises his eyebrows, and his eyebrows are definitely saying “what the fuck?”

“You kind of avoided me,” Matteo explains. “Sometimes I feel like you still do that. I mean, you do. You don’t even want to define what we are.”

David is silent for a moment. Then: “I like you a lot. I wanted it from the start, but I didn’t… I wasn’t…” 

He looks so uncertain, vulnerable, like he doesn’t know what to say. 

Matteo waits. 

“I guess I was afraid,” David finally continues. “I guess I still am.”

Matteo doesn’t know what to say to that. He knows about being afraid. He’s afraid all the time. But why in the world would David be afraid of _him_ ? Of _kissing_ him?

“Afraid of what, David?” he urges, quietly. He finds himself being drawn closer to him. They are almost completely touching now.

“We’re friends,” David whispers, “We’re just friends.”

Matteo knows it’s a truth, but probably just part of the truth. He feels his chest ache and he can’t stop his head from shaking. “I don’t want that,” he announces, his voice trembling but sure, “I don’t want just that anymore.”

He sees David’s eyes dilate slightly, despite the darkness, the cold. 

“I think I don’t want just that, either,” he whispers. “I just… I think I need some time to think before I can tell you more.”

 _I need some time._ It reminds Matteo of that text David sent him, years ago. This is different, though. David says that he might want more than friendship. He just needs time. Matteo releases a shaky breath. He can give David that. 

“Okay,” he says. 

David locks his eyes with him, and there’s a raw openness in the deep brown that makes Matteo’s heart speed up. Suddenly, he feels David’s hands grab his shoulders, and he’s pressed up against him, David’s warm lips on his.

Matteo’s eyes fall closed, and all he can feel is David. His warmth, his touch, his being. Again, it’s like the world vanishes instantly, and Matteo almost feels like he’s slipping away. But David’s kiss is so real, and Matteo grasps hold of it, his hands desperately clutching it. He kisses David back, their tongues brushing against each other, and Matteo pulls him even closer. It’s agony, knowing that he still doesn’t know what this means. His heart aches when David’s hands cup his cheeks. Matteo’s whole body craves more, craves David, but he knows that this is what he gets, for now. 

And suddenly Matteo realizes that if this is what he gets, it will have to be enough. He will take whatever David is able to offer him. 

_This is real_ , he thinks, holding David close. He has no idea what it means in the long run, but it’s real, and maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay in the end. 


	5. The city of a thousand bridges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo and David arrive in Berlin. Matteo will get some answers, but maybe not all of them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 5, guys!
> 
> A small warning - there will be a sexy moment in the second part of this chapter, but not explicit. 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter; I had fun writing it. Thank you so much to @evakuality and @mynameisnotthepoint for beta reading and supporting me!

##  **_11._** ** _I think I’ve been holding myself from falling in love with you all over again_**

They roll into the city of Berlin in darkness. Matteo is still feeling strangely giddy and hopeful. He still has no clue about what David wants, but there’s definitely something going on between them, and Matteo can’t stop smiling. David keeps rolling his eyes at him but he keeps grinning when he thinks Matteo isn’t looking.

Matteo stares out his window, noticing how the city changes around them as they go. They drive through suburbia on the outside of the city, rows of uniform houses and neatly mowed lawns, then areas with big companies and factories. There’s that well-known mix of old historical buildings and modern architecture. They drive through streets of up-market stores and smooth black and glass exteriors, and there are the parts of the city that are poor with run-down pawn shops, liquor stores, and dingy supermarkets. Berlin has many different faces. And it’s true; many bridges to cross.

Berlin is also just… home. 

Matteo knows David has more mixed feelings about this city, but for him, it’s home.

This feels alright.

The closer they get to the old neighborhood though, the more restless Matteo begins to feel. David hasn’t said what he plans to do yet. Matteo doesn’t want David to go back to Prague. Not now, when everything is so new. But if there’s one thing he’s learned on this trip, it’s the fact that he can’t cling onto someone who doesn’t want it. So. He doesn’t say anything. Not at first.

They catch a red light and Matteo waits until David breaks completely before turning to face him and blurting, “Is it okay with you if I tell the others?”

David looks startled, which, fair enough, Matteo has kind of sprung it on him. “Tell the others what?” he asks. “And what others?” He puts the car in park while they wait so he can turn in his seat to face Matteo more fully. He looks so serious, concentrating on Matteo’s words, and it’s all Matteo can do to keep himself from closing the distance and kissing him. 

He holds back, though. “You know, Hans and Linn, and the gang. About the…you know.” He brings his hands up, lets them fall back into his lap with a clap. “That we... uh got together, sort of.”

Both David's eyebrows are high this time, saying ‘are you fucking serious right now’? “You mean making out in an abandoned parking lot and… well, all over the place?” David asks wryly. “Do you want to tell others about that?”

Matteo swallows, hesitates. It’s ridiculous how hard it is to ask what he wants to ask. 

“Well, I don’t want to say exactly that, but,” he paused only for a split second, “maybe that we have this thing? I mean, do we have a thing?”

“Seriously? You wonder about that?” A corner of David’s mouth picks up in a tiny, adorable smile. The lights change and he starts the car again.

“I’m serious,” Matteo says, tangling his hands together in his lap, clasping and unclasping his fingers. “Is it okay that I tell others? I don’t have to if you want us to keep it to ourselves, I guess, but. I might slip up with Hans, at least.”

David reaches out and touches Matteo’s knee gently. “Only if you want to,” he says seriously.

And Matteo knows that David just wants to be kind and understanding, he does. But David’s a fucking idiot if he doesn’t get that this is Matteo’s way of asking ‘ARE WE TOGETHER OR NOT?’. 

“But I don’t know what it is I can tell,” Matteo says helplessly. He looks down at David’s hand on his knee, and watches as David brings it up to grasp his forearm, wrapping his fingers firmly just below Matteo’s elbow.

“Then maybe that’s your answer for now,” David says evenly. “You can tell everyone about us, if you want to. Just. Spare them the details about my tongue work, please.”

Matteo huffs a weak laugh. It should feel like a relief, Matteo knows that David is giving him blanket permission to back out, or tell others, or do whatever he likes. The freedom of it is dizzying though. And he really wishes he knew what David wants. 

Well, maybe he can be the first to say what he wants, for once. Rather than hinting about wanting more than a friendship. And then David can take it or leave it. He takes a deep breath and releases it. Just the thought is terrifying.

One thing is certain, Matteo knows exactly what he wants for once. _Not bad_. 

He just needs more courage to say it out loud.

As he looks at David, David looks back quickly, before he focuses on the road again. “Is that alright with you?”

“Yeah,” Matteo nods. 

He is silent as they drive the last few blocks to his old neighborhood. David keeps glancing at him, and if Matteo wasn’t so lost in his own thoughts, he might’ve teased him and told him he can tell when David is staring, too. 

“I told my parents and my sister about being trans because I wanted to,” David says quietly after a few more minutes. 

Matteo is surprised by the turn of their conversation, but grateful. He looks at David, waiting. 

“And for a while, things were really bad,” David continues. “I kind of wished I hadn’t, that I could take it back. It almost broke me. But then, I moved away, and I figured out things on my own, and with Laura. Now I’m studying what I want, and I don’t feel as afraid anymore. I know I’m still scared sometimes, like I told you back in Lübbenau, but not like before. Things are pretty okay. I never thought I could have that.” David smiles as he drives, his cheeks flushed bright red, his teeth almost blinding in the dimness of the car. Matteo can’t take his eyes off him. “My whole life…it’s my own. Everything I do, it's because of me. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s mine, now.”

Matteo just listens, his throat feeling hot and dry, unable to think of anything to say. David looks young, somehow, triumphant, and for a split second Matteo is almost painfully jealous. Mostly, though, he wants to have that feeling, too.

David reaches over to put his hand on Matteo’s knee again. “That’s how things are with me. That’s why I can’t give you a straight answer. _You_ know what you can trust your family and friends with.”

“You know them, too, though,” Matteo objects. “You know Jonas and the gang and you’ve even met Hans and Linn.”

“Well, you still know them better than I do.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Matteo knows his friends and family will be supportive. They have been so far. Also, he knows he definitely asked David the wrong question. 

Before Matteo has the chance to comment any more, David gestures to the building up ahead with his chin. “That’s you up there, right?” They are already at Matteo's house. 

When David pulls up to the curb, Matteo looks at the familiar building in front of him and nods to himself. He feels like he’s made a decision. 

He pulls his coat back on and gets out, straightening his flat cap on his head and going to grab his bag from the backseat. David parks and follows him, and they stand, somewhat awkwardly, on the sidewalk leading up to the house. 

“So,” Matteo says, ingeniously.

David raises an eyebrow, but it seems fond. He smiles. “So, indeed.”

Matteo hates to say goodbye, even if it’s just for a short while. And he hates insecurity. _Is_ this a goodbye, at all? Or has David decided that he can stay a little? 

“Thanks for driving me,” Matteo says. “It was nice.”

“Nice, huh?”

“Yeah.” Matteo blushes. He doesn’t know what to say. He only knows that he’s drawn to David in a way that he’s hardly ever been before. He only knows that he wants to feel his lips against his, and his hands, all the time. He only knows that he wants to ask David to stay, but that he doesn’t know how to. 

“I guess I should… “ David starts, but he doesn’t get to finish.

Impulsively, Matteo darts forward and presses a kiss to David’s mouth. He’d meant it as a quick little gesture, but as soon as their lips touch, Matteo is pressing for more, wanting to increase the pressure.

David gasps minutely at the contact, and that’s it, Matteo is done for. He moans, opening his mouth and sweeping his tongue across the seal of David’s lips until he opens and lets Matteo inside. Matteo brings both hands up and wraps them around David’s shoulders, but he can’t keep his hands still, his fingertips dragging down the back of his neck and around his back, tracing the shapes of his biceps and elbows under his sweater. He pulls his mouth away from David’s and drags it down the arch of his throat, loving the way David throws his head back to give Matteo more room, his heartbeat pounding against Matteo’s tongue through the thin skin over the cords of his neck.

Matteo lets his right hand drift down, down, until it was high on David’s thigh, gripping tightly. David tugs at Matteo’s shoulder bringing him up to smash their mouths together again, but then with a tilt of his head David gentles it, drawing back to peck once, twice, before sealing his mouth over Matteo’s and tangling their tongues together, Matteo’s heart pounding hard enough to make his ribs ache. 

A door slams shut somewhere, and Matteo and David jump apart. 

They look at each other and chuckle.

Matteo feels himself blush. _Fuck_ , all he wants to do is go someplace and have David to himself, but he knows his old flatmates are probably at the window, waiting for Matteo to come inside, and he still doesn’t know what David wants. 

It’s about time he asks the _right_ questions.

“Look,” he says hurriedly, taking a step closer, “I have to get in there before Hans comes out and drags me inside, but have you decided what you’re doing? Are you going back or staying?” 

David looks at him, but he doesn’t look like he’s indecisive. He looks like he waits for something. 

“I don’t want to pressure you or anything,” Matteo continues. “But you really should stay the night here. We even have a room you can borrow.”

“I should, huh? Why, exactly?”

“Because you need to rest before you drive any more. Because I want you to be safe. And because I want you to stay.” Matteo bites his lip, then lets himself blurt it all out. “I really like you, David. I guess you know that. I’ve liked you for a long time. Since the beginning. But then. You said you didn’t want anything from me and avoided me for ages.” 

Something pained flashes over David’s face. “I’m sorry.”

Matteo waves him off, he can’t stop now, he has to push through. “Just… I gotta know. Did I say or do something stupid? Was that why?”

David stares at him. “No, of course not!”

“I just thought I might have. Or I worried that you didn’t like me, you know, like that.”

David’s stare has turned into a confused frown. “Are you talking about when we met? We almost kissed and you still thought I didn’t like you?”

“Uh, yeah. You didn’t want anything from me. You said so.”

“I really liked you, Matteo. I’ve told you so!” David pauses for a moment, and bites his lips. “But you know, I had no idea how to tell you that I was trans. I didn’t even know if I was ready for a relationship. I was just so scared.” 

Matteo nods slowly. He understands that. And still - 

“You _did_ tell me, though.”

David steadily holds his gaze. “Yeah, I finally dared to tell you when I was starting to become a part of the gang and… well, when I knew I had nothing to lose anymore. But then, when I was outed at school, I guess I just shut down.”

Matteo feels that tight feeling in his chest again. “You disappeared.”

“Yeah. And when I came back, then…”

“Then we became friends instead.”

“Yeah.”

Matteo nods, more to himself than to David. “You must have known how much I liked you, though.”

David frowns. “How so?”

“Well, I guess I acted kind of strange for a while after you told me to back off. And, uhm. I still do, I suppose. I tried to forget about you, you know. It was just too hard.”

“I tried to forget about you, too,” David sighs. “I thought that it was better to stay on my own. And I told myself that you were better off without me, anyway.”

“Well, I’m not. How can you think that?”

David doesn’t get the time to answer.

“You’re so cool, David,” Matteo continues. “It was always beautiful to spend time with you. It still is.”

David’s eyes are wide. He nods, and pauses a little. He takes Matteo’s hands in his. “I’m sorry that I’ve been so… careful around you, Matteo. I actually thought that it wasn’t such a big deal for you. Since you called it a dare.”

“I didn’t... I thought _you_ meant that!”

“Well, I didn’t. Fuck, I drove you to Berlin because I didn’t want you to be sad, Matteo!” David’s small smile is exasperated. 

_Fuck. Right._ Matteo shivers.

_David really did that._

David sighs. “I just think I’ve been holding myself from falling in love with you all over again. Or. I don’t know. Falling deeper. But you’re so amazing, Matteo. And I think I love you; that’s just how it is.”

Matteo swallows. Happiness flows through him, warming him up, inside out. His customary cautious grin explodes into a wide smile that he has probably never worn before. Rarely, anyway. He can’t believe that David is saying what he’s saying. 

Apparently, David can’t believe it either. He looks down, smiling. “Fuck. Did I say that out loud?”

Matteo keeps grinning. “Yes you did. Say it again.”

“What?” David teases, still not looking at him.

Suddenly there’s a loud, distinct cough behind them.

“Does your friend want to stay for an evening meal, maybe?” Hans calls out, standing in front of their building, grinning. 

Matteo pulls back enough to turn and look at Hans. He has the same dark hear and the same crooked smile. He doesn't look surprised to see them, mostly amused. He tilts his head to the side. “Otherwise you guys are going to freeze out here,” he says. He holds Matteo’s gaze for a beat, then smiles warmly.

Matteo looks back at David, with hope fluttering in his stomach. “What do you say?” he asks, and tries not to sound too desperate. “You want to come in?” He lifts his hands up, like in defence. “No pressure, I promise.”

David bites his lip, then nods. Matteo grins, David rolls his eyes, and as Hans turns to lead them inside, Matteo tugs David gently up the walk and into the house.

##  **_12\. You have that high look on your face again_**

They have an evening meal with Hans and Linn, and it’s nice. Hans is maybe a bit much with winks and nudges but Matteo forgives him. Hans was there for him back when he crushed on David and had no idea why David avoided him, so Matteo can ignore some of the teasing. He only hopes it doesn’t scare David away. It doesn’t seem like it does. David is all smiles and he keeps holding Matteo’s hand under the table.

As they eat, Matteo is reminded that David’s a very nice, polite young man in a way Matteo rarely is. David is saying thanks every minute, and gets up to help serving dishes. Matteo tries to act his best, too, but he’s really hungry, so his focus mainly goes on eating, and not digging in too much. Both Hans and Linn know him well, though, so they only look pleased that he’s eating and chat away. Hans informs them about stuff that has happened in Berlin while they’ve been gone, accompanied by nods and short comments from Linn. Matteo tries to tell some stories from Prague as well. In the end, though, he and David end up telling about their trip instead. 

All the time, David’s words spin in the back of his mind. _I think I love you._

He can’t believe it. And does it mean what he hopes it means?

He is pretty sure that there’s more behind David’s carefulness than he has told Matteo yet. And still. David has told him that he thinks he loves Matteo. Shit. That’s big.

“It’s good to see that you’re doing good, Matteo,” Hans comments, winking, just as they are all slowing down eating. 

“Yeah, it’s good,” Matteo mutters, still chewing on his food. Everything’s pretty good, actually. It’s good to be back, too. 

As his hunger for food stills, it’s also frustrating to have David so close but not be able to do anything more about it. David puts his arm over the back of his chair, and Matteo feels warm and too conscious about the warmth radiating from David’s body. 

Matteo feels electric. He wants David to himself. And as he looks at David, he can see that he’s tired and probably a little overwhelmed. Matteo’s pretty sure David won’t mind having some time on his own. Hopefully, with Matteo. 

So, after they have eaten, it doesn’t take long until Matteo excuses them both and drags David to his room. He ignores Hans’ raised eyebrows very deliberately. 

He wants David too much. That is, if David wants it, too.

As they approach his room, he stops at the threshold, hesitating. “Would you rather to borrow the other room?” he asks, carefully.

“Nope,” David says, kissing him on his cheek, making warmth spread through Matteo’s limbs. “I can share with you, no worries.”

Matteo smiles, relieved, hoping that it means what he thinks it means. “Cool.” 

David makes a slow twirl, looking at his room. “I like it,” he says. “It’s still yours?” 

“Well, we have a new tenant, but he’s agreed to keep some of my stuff. I even have some spare clothes on a shelf here.” 

“Cool.”

David comes closer, and they finally kiss. And the kiss, unbearably fragile, gives a spike of sensation. Every good thing feels possible, likely even. Matteo feels powerless, almost stoned. 

Matteo puts his hands to David’s face, the softness of David’s skin mixed with the rough scruff feels amazing. Matteo rubs his face against David’s — sweeping the cheek, nuzzling the ear, kissing his jawline. “I think I love you, too, you know,” Matteo whispers.

“Good,” David smiles.

They draw back, just to breathe. _What now?_ The nerves make Matteo shiver. “You can use the shower first, if you want,” he says, in a low voice. 

“Is that your way of telling me that I stink?” David says, raising his eyebrows. 

Matteo laughs. “Nah. I love how you smell,” he says, blushing. “Just. It’s…”

“It’s been a long day on the road, yeah, I know,” David laughs with him. “Thanks. I would love a shower.” David opens his backpack and rummages through it. “Uhm, could I borrow a towel? And maybe something to sleep in? I didn’t bring much.”

“Sure,” Matteo says quickly and goes to his closet. “Boxer and t-shirt?”

“Sounds good.” David pauses. “I should take off my binder again.”

“Cool.”

David stares at him, as if he’s about to ask about something, but holds it back. “Cool,” he just repeats. 

Matteo tries not to guess what David’s pause is about. He hands David a towel and one of his best t-shirts and boxers. “I can show you the bathroom,” he says.

“You don’t have to. I remember from the party. And from those times I was here with your gang.”

“ _Our_ gang.”

David smiles a small smile. “Yeah.”

As David walks to the bathroom, Matteo sits down on the bed and lets out a long exhale. He must have held his breath. He rubs his eyes. He’s tired, but most of all, he’s nervous.

“Get a grip,” he mutters to himself and sinks down on his back, staring at the ceiling. _It’s only David_ . They will take things as they come. He lets out a groan as he stretches his back. _Damn_ , a whole day in a car takes its toll. Exhausted, he closes his eyes. 

“Your turn,” David says, and Matteo shoots up. He feels dizzy from awakening and standing up too quickly, and he blinks. 

David is standing in the middle of his room in his boxers and his t-shirt and the sight of his bare arms and feet are enough to make Matteo’s pulse speed up. Matteo can’t help staring.

“Matteo,” David calls. 

Matteo shuts his mouth and swallows. “Yeah.”

“Are you okay?” David smiles. “You have that high look on your face again.”

Matteo snorts. “Shut up. I just dozed off and got up too soon.” He pauses. “And uh… you look nice, that’s all.” He feels his cheeks heat up. 

David looks down, but he still smiles. “You’re not so bad either, sleepyhead. Now go hit the shower, so we can go to bed.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Matteo picks up his towel and another boxer and t-shirt. As he goes to the bathroom he notices an almost smug look on David’s face. 

He strips off his clothes and wonders if he should take a cold shower to calm down a little, but realizes that he’s too tired and nervous to stand the cold. Instead, he tries to focus on washing his hair and body methodically. When he emerges ten minutes later, he’s shivering, but not from feeling cold. He’s warm, scrubbed clean, comfortable, nervous and very, very turned on. 

He doesn’t even know if something is going to happen between them. He hopes so, but he doesn’t know. No matter what, he’s sharing his room with David. And his bed.

 _Fuck_ , this could get tricky.

“Come on,” David says, already in bed. “Get in here.”

Matteo slides in under the duvet and tries to breathe calmly. 

David turns to face him. He raises his hand and strokes his fingers through Matteo’s hair. 

As David leans forward Matteo’s pulse races. A small lock of hair tumbles in front of his face, resting just in front of his cheek, but with one swift slide of David’s thumb, it was brushed out of the way. Looking into David’s dark eyes Matteo sees both care and heat. David’s hand alights on his face, moving down past his collar bone. Already Matteo’s brain is on fire, and David’s fingertips are flaming against his skin.

David’s lips touch Matteo’s cheek and Matteo’s breath catches in his throat. Their fingers lock together. A hot blazing fire pulses through Matteo. A small grin creeps onto his face and he can feel that his cheeks grow pink.

They kiss, and it’s like the world around them slows down and speeds up at the same time. David lips are so soft and warm and they make Matteo’s head spin. He tries all he can to appear calm, but his hands shiver. 

“I’m nervous,” he admits, voice shaking. 

“Me too,” David responds. 

Something settles in Matteo, and he kisses David deeper, trying to tell David how much he wants this, with his lips and with his tongue. And apparently, David wants to show Matteo the same. He pulls Matteo closer. Then he pulls off Matteo’s t-shirt, and kisses his neck. 

The fire builds between them. Matteo can’t hold back anymore, and it seems like David can’t either. They surge against each other, Matteo rutting against David’s thigh, David pressing closer onto Matteo’s hip. A noise escapes Matteo, an embarrassingly deep sigh — like air rushing out of something. Matteo can’t believe that this is happening, but he doesn’t want it to ever stop.

It all ends up a little messy and clumsy and Matteo finds himself blushing more than once but then so does David, and they fumble at clothing and bump knees and jab elbows but what they lack in finesse they make up for in enthusiasm. 

And it’s so sweet, too. Their breaths rise in visible puffs and though there is a soft wind they are warm with one another. In the twilight room their fingers caress each other's skin as if afraid a heavier touch would break the heady magic. They become one, one mind with one goal and purpose.

Still kissing, still sweeping his tongue through David’s mouth and trying to get a deeper taste, Matteo slips his hands under David’s shirt, running his hands up the warm skin of David’s back. David squirms at the touch, pressing closer, then leans back to get at Matteo’s boxers. 

Matteo groans at the feel of David’s hand on him. It feels like actual fire licking on his skin. 

As David moves over him, all Matteo sees is his face, the ceiling above, lit in moonlight. All he feels is fire. When David wraps both hands around him and twists his wrists Matteo arches his back, pressing forward helplessly.

“Jesus,” he bites out. “That feels—oh my god, David.” It’s hard to hold back, to make the moment last. He throws his head back, arches up and lets David pace it all.

Matteo can’t get enough of David’s mouth mapping his body with heated, needy kisses. He can’t get enough of running his hands over David’s slim waist and hear him groan as Matteo kisses his neck.

David is kissing Matteo’s belly. Matteo looks down blearily to see and Jesus that feels so good, so smooth and good, he wants to do this forever, he never wants to stop. Matteo reaches for David. He can’t get enough of him. He wants David’s weight over him. He wants to watch his face. David spreads himself out over Matteo, skin to skin, chest to chest. David against him, grinding against Matteo, humping him.

Everything Matteo thinks about who he is, what he wants, is irrelevant. There are no words, only sensation, smooth sensation. Tender.

He thrusts once into David’s hand, cautiously. He thrusts again, and he's gone, he's off into the chase. Matteo can’t really believe it; _they are doing this_. David jerks him off quickly and surely while Matteo thrusts into David's fist, grabbing hold of David’s back with both hands to feel him closer. Matteo feels the blood rush and keeps moving his hips and feels electric and desperate and like he loses himself.

Matteo is seeing flashes of light, fleeting images. It’s as though he’s losing consciousness. It's this, only this, he's lost to himself, he's no one, he's obliterated, there's no Matteo at all, there's only this, happening between them.

David leans forward and latches on to the bare skin just above the collar of his shirt near his collarbone, biting down, and Matteo hears himself gasp in wonder. He falls into an ecstatic burning feeling and comes in cacophonous convulsions, great guttural exaltations. 

In the daze afterwards, he holds onto David’s hips, panting. 

“Can I touch you, too?” he asks, breathlessly, hoping that he’s not too forward or anything. He just wants to make David feel just as good. 

“Yeah,” David breaths, smiling, “I got to touch yours, it’s just… uhm, right that you get to touch mine.” He laughs a shaky laugh. Then he pulls down his own boxers and leads Matteo’s hand into the warmth between his legs. 

David lifts and heaves under his hands and lips and Matteo can’t believe it. There is no end to it, no end or no beginning, just this, happening between them. And _oh, God_ , David looks amazing as he leans into Matteo’s hand and moves against his fingers.

“Please, Matteo,” he says in his dark, soft voice, “please, oh—more, yes, oh—don’t stop, don’t, don’t—Matteo—” 

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” Matteo mumbles, so overwhelmed that he forgets all about not knowing what he’s doing. It doesn’t matter. David shows him, and David is so handsome, and hot, and… Before he knows it, David lets out a low moan and shakes through his orgasm. 

They collapse against each other on the bed. 

David, breathless and flushed, looks like a fucking painting, his nude body golden in the dim light. He gazes at Matteo unashamedly.

“Wow,” Matteo sighs, unable to hold back a grin. He presses his forehead to David’s, his hands still on his back, fingers spasming occasionally. “That was fucking beautiful.”

David answers with a warm laughter, and soon they are both looking at each other, giggling helplessly and kissing, kissing, kissing. 

They settle down together, and Matteo rests his head into David. He snuggles into David’s chest, not caring about anything that isn't David's warmth all over him, right now. He’s feeling the rise and fall of David's chest, the rhythmic noise slowing his own breathing. David's hand on his hair soothes him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he’s aware of the fact that they have things to figure out and talk about. 

Matteo needs to know what David wants, after this trip back to Berlin. 

However, right now, he doesn’t have the energy to care. As each limb becomes heavy and his heart slows to a more peaceful beat, the comfort of the soft bed under him and David arms around him is all he needs.

"This is nice," he mumbles against David's skin.

"What is?" 

Matteo smiles. “Everything. Being here, with you.” 

“Yeah, it’s really nice,” David says. His voice is warm. Matteo feels as David reaches down to pull the duvet to cover the both of them. Matteo feels how sleep pulls him under. He closes his eyes and falls asleep immediately.


	6. Thousand spires and thousand bridges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo and David wake up in Berlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I just gotta thank for the amazing feedback I have gotten for this fic. You guys are so lovely! <3 And I just gotta say that without help from my beta readers, this fic would be an awful mess. It almost feels like a collaboration, to be honest! A special thank you to Allie, who has been beta reading this chapter! 
> 
> Now. I'm really excited to share this chapter. And I'm glad we have another chapter to go before this story ends. I'm not ready to let go of these boys yet. <3
> 
> By the way, I figured out that I could use two more prompts in this chapter:  
> 86\. “I got you a present” - prompted by @hachibe on Tumblr.  
> 33\. “I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention” - prompted by anonymous on Tumblr  
> Awesome, right? Thank you both for the prompts! 💞 
> 
> Edit 22.08.19: I added some gifts from Linn and Hans to David, that I forgot. :D

##  **_13\. We’re more than friends_ **

Matteo awakes to a soft, warm duvet and the morning light playing on his face. Everything is blurry. For a second, he doesn’t know who or where he is. He doesn’t know how he got in this bed, or how there can be a warm body next to him. Shedding himself of the remaining glimpses of a dream, his eyes are still shut as he soaks in the warmth. Then, everything is processed. He’s in his old room in Berlin. The thing above him is the ceiling. The thing on top of him is the duvet. The things underneath him are the pillow and mattress. The body next to him is David. 

_David_. The two of them lie back to back and Matteo can feel the warmth from his body. The memories from the night before fill him and make him giddy. He can’t help nudging David with his elbow, waking him up. 

David turns around with a low grunt, nudging him back, and Matteo reaches for him.

“Morning,” David mutters, with a lazy grin on his face, wrestling a little in Matteo’s arms, as Matteo pulls him closer. “Stop..” he smiles.

“I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention,” Matteo laughs. “I deserve some attention!”

“Oh, you do, do you?” David laughs, poking him back. He hits a soft spot by Matteo’s ribs and Matteo bursts into a helpless giggle.

“Oh, you are ticklish, huh?” David grins, looking too smug about the fact.

“I definitely am,” Matteo agrees as he gets his breath back. His cheeks hurt from smiling. “Now, give me a kiss, fucker.”

“Uhm, you gotta fight for it,” David teases. But when Matteo pulls him closer, David melts into him. Matteo lets out a content sigh. David’s arms wrapped right around him bring a peace he's rarely known before, a calming of the storms in his heart.

Everything’s just so easy. They kiss, and they banter and laugh, and Matteo hasn’t felt so happy in a long time. He looks at David. David is flushed, and his hair is a messy mop on his head. He’s so handsome it almost hurts.

“You look adorable in the morning,” he whispers to David. 

“ _You_ look adorable,” David counters, tickling him again. 

They kiss some more. And tease each other some more. And laugh some more. 

“You can’t resist me, can you?” Matteo asks, holding David close, wanting to feel every ounce that David is press into every ounce that is him.

“What do you mean?” David asks with a cheeky grin.

“You said I had to fight for it. I can’t say I’m impressed with your resistance.”

David laughs. “Well, I had to let you off easy. Since you’re so adorable and all.” 

“Fucker,” Matteo says, but can’t hide the warmth in his voice.

Chatting with David like this is a sort of verbal dance that makes Matteo laugh out loud and feel his heart switching on. Matteo lives for that banter, looks forward to it. They are funny together, although Matteo’s not so sure they are that funny with others. They just bring that sense of playfulness out of one another.

“It’s still like we’re friends,” David muses, as they get up from bed. 

“Well we are, aren’t we?” Matteo smiles. “I mean, even if we…”

David smiles a crooked smile. “Fuck? Yeah. I guess so.”

Matteo nods then. “Yes. Even if we’re more than friends now, we’re still _friends_.”

He doesn’t quite know why he needs to say it out loud. Maybe because David has been so back and forth up until now, and saying things like ” _I need time to think_ ”. Or maybe because Matteo is too used to people leaving. It’s like he needs to know for certain that he and David _are_ something. Something _more_. 

David stares at Matteo quietly before kissing him. “We are more than friends,” he states, his mouth reaching Matteo’s neck. 

“This is more than just a game, then?” Matteo asks, trying not to sound too frightened of the answer. “More than just friends fucking?”

“Yes,” David murmurs, kissing Matteo’s neck and holding him close. He pauses for a moment, as if he’s hesitating. “It’s more than that.” 

The tension in Matteo’s shoulders eases. That’s something. It’s more than friends fucking. They love each other. He doesn’t know everything about the future, and he doesn’t know how long this thing they have lasts, but that’s a lot more than he ever has hoped for.

Matteo wouldn’t mind staying in bed with David all day but hunger forces them out of bed and they have breakfast with Hans and Linn in the kitchen. Hans is in full Christmas mode with a red apron on, insisting that they eat breakfast together every morning, served at the table. Linn has found some fairy lights in bright colours that she hangs over the window. 

“We might not have many Christmas ornaments,” she mumbles, ”but we can still decorate a little.”

David’s laughter is warm, and Matteo sits close to him and munches his breakfast and everything feels just… nice.

They stay the rest of the day inside, mostly because Matteo wants to have David to himself for a little longer. 

David tells him that he has decided to stay in Berlin for most of the vacation and go back to Prague on Christmas Day. 

”How did I make you change your mind?” Matteo asks, and he’s probably not hiding his relief very well.

David shrugs. ”I don’t know. You said no pressure. And also… Laura works on Christmas Eve,” he explains, “so she doesn’t mind celebrating with me later.” 

“Cool.”

Matteo nods, fiddling with the sleeves on his shirt. _No pressure. Right._ David still needs time to think, it seems. 

Matteo fights the tight feeling in his chest and figures out pretty quickly that he wants to join David when he goes back to Prague, even if they have some more days off. 

“Just to spare the costs,” he says, but he knows that David sees right through him. Matteo wants time alone with David. He hopes that they might talk about things and make clear what’s happening between them. 

Matteo can’t stop thinking about back when he just started to know David, and David turned up at the party at their flat, and they almost kissed. He had been so sure back then, that there was _something_ going on between them. But then, the kiss never happened, and David withdrew. He told Matteo that he needed time, back then, too.

Matteo was crushed. David slipped out of his grip, just like Matteo slipped from his mother’s arms in the water that time, and he couldn’t breathe. 

During their journey to Berlin, he’d had that same feeling at times, when David pulled back.

Matteo takes a deep breath. Everything’s fine now, and still… it’s like he keeps getting this feeling of David slipping out of his hands, of being pulled into the dark water. He needs to know. Are they a couple? For real? What happens when they go back? To talk about stuff like that might be easier in the car, when they can rest their eyes on the view ahead.

Right now, though, he just wants to focus on the here and now. They both probably do. 

That evening, they watch some old movie with Hans and Linn, and Matteo half sleeps in David’s embrace, smiling at the jokes flying between the others. 

When Matteo and David finally cuddle together in bed that night, Matteo can’t keep his hands off David. Everything’s too new, and too exciting. David is warm, and naked, and there, and whatever David wants to do, Matteo is there for. 

David’s brown, deep eyes look at Matteo as if he tries to photograph him in his mind. Matteo shivers, suddenly realizing that this thing happening between them might not last forever. David hasn’t promised him anything, after all. Matteo knows that he just can’t lose this, though, he can’t- 

All his worries and insecurities melt away with David’s touch. Matteo allows himself to fully enjoy the sensations and forget everything else. David is all that matters. He feels so safe with David. Calm. At home. Their bodies fit together as if they’re made for this, to be together. 

They move slowly, slow like they never want to stop. _Oh God_ , he wants this. Even if this doesn't last forever, he wants to make the most of it.

In David’s arms he ends up in a heady trance that doesn’t end until their bodies are still once more, just warm and snuggled in as close as two souls can be. 

“Everything feels so easy when I’m with you,” David mutters into the dark, holding Matteo close, and Matteo must swallow over a lump in his throat. 

“I feel the same.”

David turns to face him. “Yeah. But, I mean _everything_. Like, I know it might be because it’s all so new, but I just forget all my fears and all my hang ups when I’m with you like this.” He tousles Matteo’s hair. “Shit. You can’t believe how nervous I was.”

Matteo just holds his gaze. He could say he was nervous, too, but he knows David is talking about more than that. He holds David close, as David slowly, carefully, tells him more about himself, about his journey and about his thoughts. 

There’s something like worry in his eyes, when he says: “Everything might not always be easy,” almost like a warning. 

“Who says I like easy?” Matteo jokes, but turns serious instantly. “No, but I see what you mean. And you are perfect as you are, David. You know that, right? Easy or not.” 

David blinks, and swallows, and smiles a shaky smile. Wordlessly Matteo pulls David closer, and David sinks into his embrace with a sigh. He buries his face into the crook of Matteo’s neck and they lie there like that for a while, Matteo holding David, heart aching with love.

They hug each other closely until they both fall asleep. 

David is still there the next morning, too, a warm body next to Matteo, and Matteo can hardly believe it. They’re _here_ , _together_ , in Berlin. If someone had told him that, just a couple of days ago, Matteo wouldn’t have believed it. For the first time in a long time, he gets up early to make them breakfast, and get ready for their day.

Their time in Berlin goes so quickly, though, and Matteo struggles to hold on. He loves to spend time together with David. 

And they _do_ spend a lot of time together. Some days just the two of them, some days with Hans and Linn, and they hang with Carlos and Abdi one evening, too. The boys are being dumbasses as usual, but it feels nice and familiar. Matteo and David even have coffee with Amira one of the days. She tells them it’s about time they got together. It’s nice. 

David is determined not to hang on Matteo’s heels, though. So when Matteo wants to visit his mom, David chooses to go to visit his godmother. It feels weird to suddenly be apart, but in the end, Matteo has a great time with his mom, sitting at her kitchen table, talking about everything and nothing. 

His mom seems especially glad that he likes Prague so much. “That’s really nice, Matteo,” she says, smiling. “‘Praha’ means threshold, you know.”

“Oh. Yeah. I think I read that once.”

“Did you know that I lived there for a while?”

“No?” He stares at her, surprised.

She gets a faraway look in her eyes, smiling. “I was just a kid, really. It was right before the wall fell. We were refugees, staying at the embassy. Not long after that, we got transported to West Berlin. It was a threshold for us, for sure. I think I love Prague a little more because of that.”

Matteo swallows. “Wow.” He doesn’t know what else to say. He feels a little honoured that she tells him this, they usually don’t talk much about the past. He also feels a little dizzy, as he suddenly imagines her as a young girl, being something more than just the mom he knows, with warm hugs and prepared lunch boxes. 

“You were really stranded in East Berlin for a long time, huh?” he asks.

She nods. 

“Shit. If I was you, I would be travelling all over the place.”

“I guess I belong here, now.”

“Dad didn’t think like that. He left us.” 

“I think he has a more restless spirit. And it wasn’t so easy with me being sick and all that. You know that.”

Matteo shrugs. He knows. He doesn’t have to like it.

His mom must see something on his face, because she pulls him close. “I just want you to enjoy your time in Prague, Matteo, and use your chance to travel more freely than I could.”

“I will,” he promises. 

She winks. “And remember that it rarely helps to build walls around people to hold them back.”

“You are full of wisdom today, huh,” Matteo jokes, hiding that her words hit him hard. “Thresholds and walls…”

She just laughs and gives him another hug. 

He holds onto her, feeling the warmth seep from her and spread through his whole body. “I wonder why people always use architectural structures as metaphors when they give advice,” he muses.

“What do you mean?”

“A guy once told me that… Every man is an island. And the only bridge to others are words.”

His mom smiles. “Oh, that was some good advice, sweetie. You tend to bottle up stuff sometimes.” Her eyes sparkle with a sudden thought. “Oh, and here we are, in Berlin, the city of a thousand bridges! That bodes well, right?”

Matteo just smiles.

On his way back to the flat, Matteo thinks of thresholds, walls, spires and bridges, and he hopes his mom is right, that he’ll be able to talk more to David about the things they need to talk about. Hopefully, without building any walls.

When Matteo enters the flat, David is there, waiting. “Was it good?” he asks, kissing Matteo’s neck. 

“Yeah,” Matteo smiles, and feels more lucky than he has done in a long time.

The next day, David goes away for a while, too, without saying exactly where he’s going. “I’ll be back in the evening,” he just says. 

Matteo ends up spending the day hanging with Linn, trying to make a simple Christmas gift for David. It’s nothing fancy, but Matteo has noticed that David keeps his pencils and brushes in a box that’s almost too small, so he wants to make a roll-up paint brush case that David can sort his brushes in. With the help of a nice tutorial, he manages to make something not too bad from one of his old jeans. There are pockets for each brush and it can be rolled up into a nice case. Matteo’s pretty pleased with the result.

“Oh, that’s nice,” Hans comments as he discovers what they’re doing. “I never thought I’d see you make someone a present, Matteo!” 

“I’m just broke,” Matteo mutters.

Hans doesn’t seem to buy it. He just smiles. “You’ve been broke before. David’s the real deal, huh?”

Matteo meets his eyes, and thinks for a moment before he admits: “I think so. Or, I hope so. I’m not quite sure about David. He’s worried, I think. And it’s like he’s holding something back.”

Hans nods, and surprises Matteo when he doesn’t dig further. “Maybe he needs time. You look good together, though. Happy.”

He’s right, they _are_ happy. And when David comes back, he looks tired, but weirdly at peace. “I met one of my old friends,” he explains. “And I had a talk to mom, too.”

“You did?” Matteo asks, shocked. 

“Yeah.” David shrugs. “Actually it wasn’t too bad. Civil. Almost nice. My friend was a lot more accepting that I thought he would be. And mom said she missed me. So. I guess it was worth it.”

Matteo hugs him then, and he doesn’t let go for a long time. 

Christmas Eve draws nearer. Things are very nice, and at the same time, Matteo can’t help noticing that David gets thoughtful and silent from time to time. It seems like he’s getting more and more quiet as the time goes. Matteo’s still uncertain about what David wants and what will happen when they go back to Prague. David’s words about what he imagines will happen, lingers in the back of Matteo’s mind. They still haven’t defined completely what they are or what they want, and Matteo still senses some hesitance in David, although he can’t quite pinpoint it.

He gets a hint one evening, as they’re going to bed. Matteo is talking about how nice it is to be back in Berlin, and with David. 

David smiles, but he looks a little thoughtful. “I like it, too,” he says. “Although I’ll admit that it will be good to be back in my own place, too.”

Matteo smiles. “I think I feel at home anywhere where you are.”

David doesn’t respond, maybe because it’s a truth that doesn’t need to be spoken. 

“It’s really kind of Hans and Linn to let us stay,” David says after a little while. “And I understand that they’re sort of family and that you haven’t seen them in a long time. I get all of that, I do. I simply find it difficult sometimes, to want to be somewhere I’m not expected to be. Wanted.”

Matteo swallows. “You are, though,” he says. “I want you to stay. And Hans and Linn love that you’re here.”

“I know, and that’s why I stay with you.” David is silent for a moment. “But I still have this fear of not being good enough from time to time and I know it will feel good not to be a visitor all the time.”

Matteo just takes his hand then, and squeezes it. He knows that feeling of not being good enough. He knows that need to be in his own place, too. “We’ll be back in Prague in no time,” he says. “It’s going to be good to be back.”

“Yeah.” 

For some reason, David doesn’t seem calmed by that thought at all. Matteo wonders why, but doesn’t dare to ask. What if David regrets it all? 

They brush their teeth and get undressed for bed in silence. Matteo is too tired to think of anything to talk about. To be honest, he doesn’t know how to act or what to say. It occurs to him that he doesn’t know what comes next. He doesn’t have any clue what they do from here on out. The possibilities are limitless. Do he and David date now? Is that how things are supposed to be? How do they label themselves? Do they even need labels? How do they explain this to everyone without them? How do they explain this to everyone at all?

He’s never anticipated he could have everything he ever wanted. The prospect of happiness is somehow the scariest thing he’s ever had to contend with.

David appears to take his muted behavior as fatigue, but he must also sense that something else is up, because he’s all right with them going to bed early. He’s more than all right with Matteo practicing his techniques in bed on him. It’s a very successful distraction that Matteo is quite proud of, actually. It’s a shame it doesn’t send him straight off to sleep, but he finds himself lying awake staring at the ceiling, painfully aware that David’s doing the same thing.

“You’re glad we did this, aren’t you?” David asks, sounding as insecure as Matteo has started to feel. 

It baffles Matteo that David even has to ask. “David, I’ve had the best time with you.”

David huffs out a breath. When Matteo peers at him, he looks pinched and concerned. “Right. That’s not what I was referring to.”

Matteo turns to face him. “David…” he says, slowly. “I’ve had the best time here with you. And I hope it continues. It will continue, won’t it?”

David looks at him like he’s the moon and he’s caught in his thrall. He cradles his jaw so tenderly, Matteo thinks his heart will burst. 

“I hope so.”

That’s something, at least. Matteo pulls David close and leans his head on David’s shoulder. “I want this to continue. I want you to show me all the abandoned places in Prague, and I can take you to my favourite place to eat...”

“Matteo?” David asks hesitantly.

“What’s up?” Matteo mumbles, his voice muffled as his hands rubs his face.

“Can we just not talk about the future? Before we go back to Prague, can we just… enjoy the present? Take each day as it comes?”

David’s voice sounds thick. Matteo knows without looking that his eyebrows are furrowed and that his hands are gesturing nervously. Matteo thinks about their time together since they started their road trip. It seems like a lifetime ago, though it has only been a few days. 

“You kind of brought up being at home, though,” he comments.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry. I just… I guess I just want to focus on the here and now.”

Matteo feels his chest tighten when he thinks of their trip ending: David dropping him off at his flat and what happens after that. His memories from this vacation seem like photographs already fading in his mind.

“Yeah. Sure,” Matteo mumbles, trying not to think about not knowing what David wants. _More than friends_ , he’d said. _I think I love you._ Matteo knows that he needs something more defined than that. 

Matteo faces David on the bed, wanting to say that there’s nothing to be afraid of, but ending up saying nothing. 

David leans his forehead against his and brushes his cheek with his thumb. Matteo reaches for him, wanting to forget this talk, and wanting to make David smile again. His chest feels tight. 

Matteo kisses David, running his hands through David’s hair. David sighs against his mouth as he pulls Matteo on top of him. Matteo presses close and kisses his neck. 

David reaches up for Matteo, and brushes Matteo’s hair off his forehead. “Each moment as it comes,” he whispers. 

“Okay, each moment as it comes,” Matteo repeats. He slides down the bed, asks David for permission with his eyes before he takes David into his mouth. 

“Matteo,” David whispers, his hands weaving through his hair. Matteo uses his tongue as well as he can, his hands pinning David’s hips down to the bed. 

David comes with a silent sigh, his whole body is shaking under Matteo. He’s all over Matteo in no time, taking Matteo in his hand. Matteo shivers and keeps his eyes closed, his mind focused on every sensation of that moment as if he’s afraid it might be their last. 

He wants to tell David how much he loves him, but the words get stuck in his throat as he comes and moans, almost sobs David’s name. 

Afterwards, he clings to David and tells himself that he can do this. He can focus on the _now_. He doesn’t quite understand David’s reason for it, but it’s fine. He will take what he can get. 

##  **_14\. I don’t know what I’m ready for_ **

The following days Matteo makes sure to focus on every moment he gets with David. If he notices that David gets a thoughtful look on his face from time to time, he doesn’t ask. Something tells him that David doesn’t want him to.

 _Maybe he still just needs time_ , he tells himself.

They have enough to fill the days with, anyway. The day before Christmas Eve they go to the Christmas market at Gedächtniskirche in Charlottenburg, and it’s big, and glorious, and almost too much, with all the people and all the lights and colours. 

“Christmas markets are kinda becoming our thing,” Matteo muses. 

David laughs. “Cheese toasties, pickles and Christmas markets. Could be worse.” 

“Yeah.” 

David looks around at the different stalls. “I should be able to find something for Hans and Linn, here, don’t you think?”.

“You don’t have to,” Matteo says.

“Oh, but I _do_. I need to impress them, so that they accept me and realize how good I am for you.” 

That sounds so little like David that Matteo scoffs. “Yeah, yeah.”

David laughs then, one of his teasing laughs. “You’d be lost without me, you know.” 

“Shut up, asshole,” Matteo laughs, elbowing David. Still, he can’t help but feel that David is somewhat right. He would be lost without David. Sure, he would survive, but he would hate it. 

“It’s the truth though!” David replies, his arm resting around Matteo’s shoulders. 

Matteo huffs. “Says the guy who needed me to rescue him with the car charger.” 

David grins. “Oh, that’s low, Matteo. That was just a small moment of weakness.” 

Matteo laughs, and David looks at him with sparkling eyes. “I really like you, you know,” David says, in a soft voice.

Matteo looks up at David and smiles. “Yeah, I know,” he says, his heart beating faster. “I really like you, too.”

He looks at the stall and all the Christmas ornaments in front of them. “I really don’t think you need to buy anything, though. I’m kind of tired of how Christmas is about buying stuff all the time.”

David laughs. “You’re not only saying that because of your empty wallet?”

“Fucker,” Matteo grins, and then he thinks for a moment. “No, but I mean it. Sometimes all the stuff with Christmas gives me an empty feeling. And you can actually make something for them instead. Like… Like you could make a collage of that photo you took of us!” 

David smiles then, and kisses his nose. “That’s a brilliant idea. You’re like my muse, you know.”

“Totally,” Matteo grins. And wonders what in the world David will think of his weird gift. He also wonders what he can give the others since he doesn’t quite have the same creative abilities that David has. He pushes the thought aside and helps David find some canvases he can use for his collages. Then, as they are on their way out of the shop, he finds some notebooks that he buys on a whim. 

“Hans and Linn love to cook sometimes. Maybe these could be for their recipes or something. I could write in my favourite snack.”

David grins. “Cheese toasties?”

Matteo laughs. “Yeah. And my best pasta recipe.”

“I love that idea,” David smiles.

They set the course home to the flat, joking and laughing. David laughs at Matteo’s bad jokes and their competitive natures flare as they race each other up the steep streets. Matteo promises himself that he will never forget David’s face, his mouth smiling and open as he gasps for breath. Matteo wonders if anyone else has ever seen David clutch at his stomach as he leans against a wall, his mouth open as he laughs so hard.

Matteo has never been happier, and he wonders if this is David’s happiest time too.

David is a little silent that evening, but Matteo decides to not worry. He tells himself that David can tell him what he thinks, when he feels like it.

Early on Christmas Eve, while Hans and Linn are preparing their Christmas dinner, Matteo takes David with him to church. It’s not like his favourite thing to do, but his talk to David about churches and open spaces had been in the back of his mind when his mom called him and invited him to attend church service. Matteo knew she would be singing in her choir, so he said yes. He also mentioned bringing a boyfriend.

Here they are, sitting in the church together, and Matteo doesn’t at all feel as bored as he expected to feel. He’s not even sleepy. Instead, he feels moved by the music and the lights, and with David there right next to him. It’s like a memory is pushing in the back of his mind, but he can’t quite see what it is.

Matteo likes holding David’s hand. The feel of it as it brushes against his leg while they walk, the occasional caress of his thumb against the back of his hand. He likes the way David squeezes his hand, so tightly he thinks it will break, when he’s nervous. He’s familiar with David’s hands, having seen them work with a pencil or a brush when he makes his art. His hands are always moving expressively through the air whenever David becomes emotional about something. They are smooth and subtle as they slide over Matteo, and hard and strong as they grip at his hips. 

Matteo glances down to see David’s hand resting easily on his knee. David sits back in the uncomfortable bench in the church, his eyes attentively focused on what happens in the front. 

After the service, Matteo stands up and faces David as he puts on his coat. “Do you want to come say hi to mom?” he asks. 

“I don’t know,” David says, carefully. “It’s Christmas, and your mom. It feels so serious.” 

Matteo swallows and tries not to take it the wrong way. “Sure. It’s no big deal, though, I promise. She’s pretty chill.”

David cocks his head and looks at him. Matteo realizes that David would do it, just to please him or if he thought it would make him feel better. Matteo doesn’t want that. He wants David to decide for himself what he wants. 

“You can wait here,” he says. “And I’ll just pop over and say hi, and exchange presents.” 

David lets out a breath of air, smiling. “No, I want to join you. I wanna see if you’re right about her being chill and all.”

She is. Matteo is strangely proud when he sees two of the people he loves more than anything talking to each other so easily. 

His mom pulls him to the side as they’re about to go. “David is such a nice boy. Is he the boy you worried about that time during your Abitur?” she asks, and it hits Matteo so hard that he suddenly struggles to breathe. 

She’s right, of course. Matteo had been _here_ , in this same church, when David texted him out of nowhere, saying he was sorry about everything and that he wanted to just disappear. He didn’t know David that well back then, but he knew about the outing at school and David’s words scared him. He didn’t know where to look for David, but he got hold of his sister. 

Matteo had only sent David some texts, trying to tell him that he knew how everything could feel like shit, but that everybody rooted for him and that he hoped they would see each other again. He never got an answer, but after a few days, David was back. Jonas had invited him to play ping pong with the boys. Matteo had struggled to breathe during their game, but he never really asked David about what happened. David had thanked him for texting him, though. 

Later David joined their Abi ball and he was just a part of their friend group, just like everybody else. 

“Matteo?” his mom says, and Matteo blinks. 

“Yeah,” he whispers. “David was that same guy.” He clutches her hand and looks over at David, who has reached the other end of the church. “I think I love him. “

“I know you do, sweetie,” she says, smiling. “You two look happy together. I’m so glad things turned out well.”

“Yeah, I am, too,” Matteo answers, and hugs her extra hard as he says goodbye. 

He reaches David by the stairs, and David smiles. “What? Isn’t your mom so chill, after all?”

Matteo just comes with a choked laugh and reaches for David’s hand.

David gives him one of his longer looks. “You okay?” he asks. 

Matteo smiles and shrugs. “Yeah. I just. Mom reminded me that I was here that night when you texted me. You know, that time when you ran away for real. After the shit with your PE teacher and the outing.”

“Oh,” David says, and blinks. He looks a little pale. “I’m sorry. Laura told me later that you were really worried about me.”

Matteo squeezes David’s hand. “I didn’t know where to find you,” he only says. 

David shuts his eyes for a second. “Yeah.” 

Matteo takes a deep breath, and releases it. He drags David with him and heads home. “Where were you, all that time?” he asks, trying to keep his voice light.

“I stayed in an abandoned building for a few days,” David says with a shrug. “I was just so desperate to get away from everything. It was pretty stupid, though. And cold. Laura was so angry with me when I came back, you can’t believe it.” 

“Oh, I guess I can,” Matteo smiles a small smile. 

It’s David’s time to squeeze his hand. “You were the one who convinced me to come back, you know.” 

Matteo stops in his tracks. “I was?” 

“Yeah, you told me about everyone who wanted to support me. And you said that you wanted to see me again. But you did it in a way that felt nothing like pressure. You also sent me a stupid meme.”

“I did, huh?” Matteo smiles. “Well, that’s good,” he says, and as they continue on their way home he wonders if David is saying more with those words than he can fully grasp right now. 

When they come back to the flat they freshen up and celebrate Christmas with Hans and Linn. The food is delicious. Linn has some really good recipes and Hans loves to try different things in the kitchen. Matteo loves the food and even though he’s been a little tired, emotional and almost nauseous all day, he’s suddenly ravenous.

Matteo eats silently, reminding himself to slow down, and listens to the conversation around him. Hans teases Linn about her love troubles. David is a little quiet at first, but then he seems to relax. David is telling them all about his favorite places to visit in Prague. Both Hans and Linn seems genuinely interested, which is sweet.

Everything is so laid back, random, weird and perfect, that it would almost be difficult not to relax. Matteo can see why David is so at ease. Their Christmas ornaments are a mix of old things and things they have made from scrap. The Christmas dinner tastes perfect, even if they have mismatched cutlery. 

Matteo loves it. His life has never been like a TV commercial, where everybody has their white teeth, always smiling, laughing and making good jokes. Where their Christmas homes are perfect, in decoration and cleanliness. Where they drive a nice car and go on expensive vacations. Where they eat only the best food and have fulfilling careers. Where they show love by spending money. 

He thinks what he has right here, right now, is beautiful. He has David and his found family next to him. He doesn’t want anyone to tell him what to eat or what to wear. He’s happy without a car and fulfilling career. David doesn't need to purchase Matteo’s love at Christmas.

Matteo can see it in the face of the others, as well. They have a great time. 

After dinner, they gather in the living room and have some beer and looks at old Christmas movies while they exchange presents. 

Hans and Linn are delighted because of the collages David has made them, and then David hands a parcel to Matteo. 

“I got you a present,” he says, smiling one of those small smiles that tell Matteo that he’s nervous. 

Matteo opens the gift with hands that are almost, but not quite shaking. He almost wants to cry when he pulls away the wrapping paper and sees that it’s a framed drawing, with the two of them in a red Kia. It’s beautiful. 

“Thank you,” he mutters and clings to the picture, not wanting to put it away.

David smiles a shining smile, and kisses his cheek.

Both Hans and Linn seem pleased when they get their cooking notebooks from Matteo. 

“I know it’s nothing much,” Matteo is quick to add. “I just thought it would be nice to collect recipes and stuff in them.”

“I love it,” Hans says. “Especially that you added your own recipes, and even a photo.”

“Matteo’s Italian pasta deserves his photo of the chef,” David comments. 

“True,” Linn laughs. She gives Matteo a long hug, and Matteo realizes that he must have done something right.

Matteo gets a rainbow coloured t-shirt and a salami from Hans, which isn’t a big surprise, and he gets a funny pen from Linn. 

When David gets Matteo’s present he doesn’t say much at first, he just stares at it. “You… you made this?”

“Yeah, I borrowed Linn’s sewing machine, and I got some help, but I made it. I noticed that you needed something to put your brushes in, so.”

“It’s brilliant, thank you!” David hugs him. “I can’t believe that you made this, Matteo! When did you find the time?”

Matteo just shrugs and smiles, and mumbles that Linn helped him. 

Linn finds her gift for David, and David smiles widely when he opens it. "Brushes? Thank you! I always need more brushes!"

"Yeah, I thought you needed something to put in that brush case," Linn says, looking a little smug. 

"Now it's my turn!" Hans exclaims and hands David a parcel. David thanks him and unwraps a black scarf and a packet of gingerbread cookies.

"I noticed that you loved those cookies when we emptied that box the other day," Hans laughs. "And I thought that a scarf could be good to keep you warm, since you haven't packed that much. Or... like, it could be good to hide hickeys and stuff like that."

Matteo chokes on his coffee and David's cheeks go pink, as he laughs and thanks Hans for his gift. 

After the presents, they sit for a while longer, and Matteo leans on David. He’s tired, and warm, and he has too many feelings he doesn’t know how to handle. And he should probably go to bed. He really should.

Matteo is too aware of the fact that he has developed a habit of falling asleep, not in just any moment or any place, but on people, too. He's not particularly bashful about it either. It happens quite often when they watch movies, for instance. Most of his friends, like Jonas, are kind of used to playing his human pillow by now. Anything shown after nine in the evening and Matteo is done. 

Tonight, of course, ends up being the first time he sleeps on David. Matteo thinks about attempting to stay awake. But it's 10 o'clock. And everybody’s talking in low voices and everything is chill. Also, David knows him pretty well by now. He knows about Matteo getting sleepy all the time, anyway. So, Matteo figures _what the hell_ when his eyes feel heavy and he just gives in. He yawns and lets his head collapse against David's shoulder.

He wakes with his face plastered to David's chest in a cooling pool of his own spit. David's arm is draped around his shoulder as Matteo pulls himself into a sitting position, swiping at his wet mouth. "Sorry about that," he murmurs, but when he looks up, David is sound asleep and the room is dark and empty. Hans and Linn seem to have tidied up everything, even the wrapping paper.

David looks so peaceful as he’s sleeping. Matteo can’t look away. And he can’t help wondering what they have. Christmas Eve is over, and even though the evening has been utterly lovely, Matteo feels a little lost. Not like he sometimes used to feel when he was younger, and he drowned in presents and was overwhelmed with all the impressions. This is most likely because of their winter break soon being over. They’re going back to Prague in the morning, and there’s still something unspoken between them. It almost feels like he’s on borrowed time. 

Matteo gives David a nudge. “Hey, David, we should go to bed.”

David blinks his eyes open and yawns. “Sure,” he mutters. 

Their gather their presents and go to Matteo’s room. Matteo feels like he should say something, but the whole situation makes him uncertain, and he doesn’t quite know what to say. David must sense something, too, because he’s silent as they brush their teeth, get undressed and go to bed. 

That night, Matteo can’t help worrying about what comes next. While David is asleep at his side, Matteo grabs his hand. David stirs and lets his head rest on Matteo’s shoulder.

Matteo kisses David’s forehead and sighs. “I love you,” he whispers, desperate to not let David disappear out of his hands. 

He feels David’s hand tense, and his heart beats faster as he realizes that David isn’t asleep anymore. David lifts his head and kisses him. 

“I know,” David mumbles, and opens his eyes. 

Matteo looks at him. “You know.”

David swallows. “I love you too. I just… I don’t know what I’m ready for, that’s all.”

Matteo feels like crying. He knows he should be understanding. Instead, he gets frustrated. It’s like David is leaving him, but without really leaving him. 

“Don’t,” he whispers. “Just stop. We said we should focus on the here and now, right?”

“Matteo. I’m sorry,” David whispers, shutting his eyes.

“Me too,” Matteo mutters, and he rubs his eyes. Curls up next to David. He doesn’t know what bothers David so much that they can’t talk about it, but he hopes that staying close will help, one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm... sorry, I guess? I hate to leave you all hanging, but... just remember that this isn't the final chapter! Anyway. Feel free to tell me just how you feel about this chapter, or whatever is on your mind. I would love to hear your thoughts!  
> <3


	7. To climb spires and build bridges and tear down walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys go back to Berlin. Things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I have obsessed over this chapter, and worried if I would manage to do David and Matteo right. And I'm not so sure that it has been in a good way (sometimes obsessing and overthinking can end up make everything worse). So, please forgive me for trying to put a lot of stuff into one chapter. I ended up with over 10 K words, woops! Still, thanks to a lot of hand holding from my friends, and especially @evakuality and @mynameisnotthepoint, I feel like I'm ready to post this.
> 
> I'm not so sure that I'm ready to leave these boys (which probably is part of why this chapter took me a little longer, lol). I have really enjoyed doing this project, so much. Anyway. I hope you like it, and the art I painted for it, too. Thank you so much for all the lovely feedback, everyone, it makes me smile so much, every time I get a kudos or a comment. It means a lot! And feel free to tell me things that you wish were different, too. I always want to learn how to do things better.
> 
> I hope I don't spoil too much when I say that there will be some not so graphic sexy times towards the end of this chapter.

##  **_15\. Well, this was an adventure_ **

Early on Christmas morning Matteo and David are packed and ready to go back to Prague. They say a quick goodbye to Hans and Linn, and Hans hands them Matteo’s huge food box, filled with leftovers. 

”I know you hungry boys will need it, ” he grins.

Matteo mumbles a thank you, silently thankful that Hans is chatting and joking while they’re getting dressed, making it easier to say goodbye.

Matteo and David take their backpacks to the car, and David seems to be glad that they’re early. “There are probably not that many travelling today, but it’s still nice to avoid the traffic out of Berlin,” he says.

“Yeah, yeah,” Matteo mutters, hardly feeling awake at all. He clutches a portable mug of coffee as he gets into the car next to David. 

Matteo is more than tired. It’s like the gloom of the wintry morning creeps into him and seeps into his pores, travelling to his heart which beats more morosely. His feelings are flat and drained, like a used tea bag. He takes a long sip from his coffee mug and tries to keep his mouth shut. Any social interaction would just be difficult and he'd risk saying something dumb. Maybe his mood will lighten up when he wakes up a little more. 

_Who is he kidding?_ He knows where at least some of his moodiness comes from. David had said that he didn’t know what he’s ready for. _What does it mean?_ Is this the beginning of the end? It’s like their cozy Berlin-bubble has burst and Matteo has no idea what happens next.

As they drive through Berlin, he wishes he could sleep. Or just sulk. He doesn’t want to make David feel bad, though. ”God, I’m tired,” he mutters. ”I’m glad you’re driving.”

”No problem, ” David says with a quick smile. He links his fingers into Matteo's hand and shoots him a look that is warm, and with just the right hint of softness, a crease at the corners of his eyes. 

The warmth from David’s fingers feels like safety. It helps. Matteo releases a shaky breath and steals a longer glance at him. David looks really good. Maybe a little serious, but good. Determined. Focused on his driving. Ready to go back home, probably.

Matteo isn’t ready. He had hoped that they would get a chance to talk on this trip, but right now, he fears what David will end up saying. That he doesn’t know, that he needs time… Matteo doesn’t really want to hear it.

“You know, we are kind of silly to drive between Prague and Berlin,” David says, as he puts his both hands back on the wheel again, “when it’s so much easier to take the train. Probably even cheaper.” 

“Probably,” Matteo dares to try to smile. He even dares to pull a joke. “Do you have regrets, David?” he teases. 

David just laughs and goes silent. 

Matteo knows one thing for certain. He doesn’t regret it at all. No matter what happens, he will never regret that he took this trip with David. Even if his heart breaks, he will never regret it.

God knows what David feels, though.

They talk a lot less than they did driving up to Berlin, and barely say anything as they drive the first hours. At first, Matteo blames the fact that he’s tired. But after a while, the quiet between them feels more and more pressing. Matteo feels like the air is seeping out of his lungs, like everything aches. The silence clings to them like dark water that at any moment can pull them under and choke them. 

One question circles in his head, over and over: What does David mean when he says that he doesn’t know what he’s ready for? Everything is too quiet. Matteo wishes David could speak, and say his name. If only for a moment. Maybe then he could break the spell that seems to make Matteo question everything, right now. It doesn't even help when he tells himself that he’s imagining things. It feels like David drifts further away for every silent minute passing. Like time is slipping away faster and faster as Matteo struggles to catch up.

In the end, the silence is unbearable, so Matteo puts on some music and tries to forget his worries. He’s probably making everything worse than it is. “Is this okay?” he asks.

“Yeah, it’s good.” David smiles, but his smile is distant, like he’s thinking about something. 

Matteo notices that they drive the same way they came, but they don’t make many stops at all.

”We aren’t even stopping in Dresden?” Matteo asks, surprised. ”What about that place we missed because we were charging the car?

David just shakes his head. ”Not unless you have an urgent wish to stop?” he says. ”I mean, we’ll probably need to charge the car, but apart from that, we don’t need to stop.”

“Right, sure,” Matteo nods. 

“It will go quicker like this, anyway. I expect that we’ll be in Prague shortly after noon.”

”Okay.”

Matteo doesn’t know what he thinks about that. He looks forward to getting back to Prague, but at the same time, he would love to keep on traveling with David instead. Or being with David, anyway. David, however, seems to have his mind on something else. 

Matteo looks quickly at David. He’s distant again, and silent, and it’s like Matteo can’t reach him. The closer they get to Prague, the farther Matteo feels from David, despite sharing the car and spending nearly every moment of the day together. 

They stop to charge the car near Dresden, and Matteo takes the chance to get some air. He recalls the swimming pool where they kissed and finds himself wondering how it would be to visit this city again, with David. If that ever will happen. Right now, David focuses on the car, making sure that it charges right.

Matteo leans on the car, looking around. There’s a thin layer of snow that must have come recently. For a moment, Matteo forgets the awkwardness between the two of them. “I wonder if there’s snow back home in Prague,” he muses. “It’s weird how I’ve come to think of Prague as ’home’ now.” 

In just a couple of hours they will be back. That’s strange, too.

David’s answer is just a barely audible hum.

”We’re going to impress everybody with our road trip adventure,” Matteo adds, feeling a little smug at the thought. ”Right?”

David doesn’t come over to him. Instead he goes to his side of the car, frowning. “I don’t really want to think about Prague right now,” he says. “I know we’re going back, but, I don’t know...” 

Matteo turns to face him, and pushes away the uneasy feeling in his chest. “Do you want to go for a walk then? While the car charges?”

Something in David’s eyes softens. He nods. “Alright. Let’s do that.” 

They don’t talk much on their walk, but they hold hands and it feels nice. When they’re holding hands like this, it gives Matteo hope. When he’s close to David, it’s like there is nothing out there to fear, it’s like the world is sunshine, beautiful trees and... kind people. Matteo thinks about his mom’s words, about not building walls around people, to hold them back. He must admit that he sometimes wishes he could build a wall around David, to keep him close, and never let go, but at the same time, he knows it wouldn’t be right. He thinks about how the only bridges to others are words, too, but the problem is that he struggles to find the right words.

They are still quiet as they drive on from Dresden. David reads his book while Matteo is driving, and Matteo misses David, even if they spend every moment together on this ride. He feels like David is leaving him again, and he doesn’t understand why. 

David has talked about being scared about his future, and about not wanting to ruin their friendship. He has talked about not being easy. But this seems like it’s about more than that.

Matteo wonders how it will be when they get back. Will David hold his hand like he did on this trip? Will David go back to focusing on his studies and avoiding Matteo? Will he want to be with Matteo, at all?

They have a short stop at a gas station right outside of Prague, just to use the toilet and get some sodas. As they drive on, Matteo wants to tell David that he has allowed David to know him more than anyone else. He wants to tell him that there’s nothing to be afraid of. That they can figure things out, if David wants to. 

“So, you’re celebrating Christmas with Laura today, then?” he asks instead. 

“Yeah,” David says, and a small smile reaches his face. “It’s going to be good to see her again.” 

“Cool.” Matteo traces an invisible line on his window with a finger. “I think I’ll just chill.” 

It’s not like he wants David to ask him to spend the evening with his sister. He’s tired and not in a social mood. Still, it would be nice if David _wanted_ him to come. 

“Are you going to be okay?” David asks, and there’s something in his eyes that reminds Matteo of that party when he had his meltdown. Something like care. 

Matteo doesn’t quite know how to handle it. “Yeah, I’m good,” he just says. 

David smiles. “Good. I think I’ll drop you off and drive the car over to Laura at once,” he explains as they approach their hostel. 

“Cool.”

David stops the car in front of their building and Matteo grabs his luggage from the back of the Kia and climbs out. David steps out of the car and stands in front of Matteo, his eyes looking straight at him, but they’re hard to read.

Matteo fees that tight feeling in his chest again. He _really_ hates saying goodbye. He hates seeing people leave. _Everybody leaves._

Who can blame them, really. He’s a mess, a bad son and a bad friend, and… Now, a part of him realizes that this isn’t entirely true. However, when his brain spins in a loop like it does right now, it won’t listen to reason. The one thing he fears more than anything right now, is the fear of losing David, of losing him for good. 

He tries his best to pretend that everything is fine. “Well, this was an adventure,” he shrugs, his voice quiet. He sends David one of his best crooked smiles. “So, I guess I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah, see you later.” David takes a deep breath and bites his lip. 

Matteo isn’t sure that he wants to hear whatever David’s about to say. He doesn’t want David to tell him that their time together was just some game, or some experiment. Or that he’s not ready for anything more.

_Everybody leaves, and now David is leaving, too. Again._

Matteo knows he should build bridges and all that, but he just… can’t. He must leave, before David gets a chance to leave _him_. 

“Cool,” he says quickly. “Say hi to Laura. I should go.”

David must notice that something is up, because he frowns. “Matteo-”

“I’ll see you around.” Matteo turns away quickly. It’s better to go. David’s better off without him and his messy life, anyway. 

“Matteo!”

Matteo stops by the front door. He squeezes his eyes shut and wills himself to remain expressionless.

“I just…” David starts. “I want you to know, I…. “

Matteo unlocks the door. "Yeah. I have to go,” he announces. He has nowhere to be, but he can’t stand there any longer.

The room he shares with Jonas feels more empty than ever before. As he falls back on the bed, he realizes that this will be the first night in a long time he spends without David. 

Not the last.

##  **_16\. We have forever_ **

Matteo doesn’t hear from David the following days. He ends up mostly spending the rest of his break in his room. He hangs the drawing he got from David on the wall one day, and the next day, he takes it down again. It’s too painful to look at. 

His pain of missing David is kind of like music. At times it’s quiet and allows him to function, at other times the tune is melancholic and he’s sad, then at other times it rises to a crescendo and the anger bursts from his chest in a vicious shout of anguish. A lot of the time it’s just silence, too. He tries to not let it drag him down too much.

A couple of days after their return from Berlin, Jonas is back. “How was Berlin, bro?” he asks, giving Matteo a warm hug and flashing a smile that looks extra white because of his sun tan. He must have been skiing a lot.

Matteo just mumbles an answer, but delivers greetings from their mutual friends.

Luckily, Jonas doesn’t press him to talk about the trip, but the next day, he drags Matteo to _U Zavěšenýho Kafe,_ telling him that he needs to eat. Which is kind of true, Matteo’s appetite has been awful since he came back to Prague. 

The place is filled with people, but the smells and sounds are familiar and Matteo relaxes. He has a beer and some smažený sýr with boiled potatoes and tartar sauce. The deep-fried cheese is tasty enough to get his appetite up again.

Jonas doesn’t ask him a single question, but Matteo still tells him that the trip kind of ended badly.

“Travelling with David was _that_ bad?” Jonas asks, looking bewildered.

“No,” Matteo murmurs, finishing his meal. “It was _perfect_. It was fucking beautiful. That’s the problem.”

Jonas glances sharply at Matteo then, but a moment later, he nods. “So… you and David aren’t totally on the same page, then?” Smiling sympathetically, he shrugs. “Sorry, dude. That’s rough,” he offers. “Wanna go back home and play a game or something? ” 

Matteo is glad that Jonas doesn’t pry, but he can’t help feeling foolish at the thought of David moving on with his life and more or less pretending that their trip never happened. The whole thing annoys him, but it scares him, too. In the days following their trip Matteo has tried to not make too much of it. Maybe David just needs some time. Maybe they’ll figure it out. 

Jonas almost says exactly the same as they go home to their hostel. “He probably just needs time, Luigi.” 

So Matteo tries to give David time. He uses the rest of the break to do some cleaning up, and reading up on his studies. He even checks out the possibilities to stay a little longer in Prague, even if Jonas plans to go back to Berlin in the spring. Matteo really loves Prague, after all, he loves the sounds and the smells and the feeling of it, and it feels far too early to leave.

He sends in an application to stay another year in Prague, and it feels like the first independent decision he has done in a long time, and even if it’s a little scary, it feels right. 

In many ways, Matteo has the impression that he’s handling things a lot better than he would do a year ago. At times missing David becomes like a soft tune, and he’s able to remember him and everything that happened with fondness, maybe even a little optimism. That is rare, but he enjoys it. He’s coping. 

Still, when Jonas tells him about the party the students are planning in the common room on their last day of the break, he almost panics. He hasn’t seen David in days, and he doesn’t know how to handle it at all.

“No,” he mutters, feeling his mouth go dry.

“What’s up?” Jonas asks.

Matteo bites his lip, trying to ignore the clenching feeling in his chest. “David is going to be there, you know. Jonas, I can’t...“

Jonas stares at him, frowning. “Is it really that bad?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. Yeah, I think so.”

“We can bail if you want?” Jonas offers. “We could watch a movie instead.” 

Matteo sighs. That’s a nice offer, but that won’t do. He knows he can’t keep avoiding David forever. He takes a deep breath, shaking his head. “No, I’ll be alright,” he decides.

“I’ll help you avoid the dickhead, alright?” Jonas grins. 

Matteo startles. “He’s no dickhead,” he insists. “David’s cool. He’s just figuring things out. He probably needs time, you said it yourself.”

Something in Jonas’ face settles. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I know David’s a good guy. I can still help you avoid him if you want to.”

Matteo shrugs. He hasn’t heard from David since the day they came back to Prague. At times, he thinks that maybe he is forgetting what David’s face looked like when he woke up, what his laugh sounded like. It’s silly, of course, it hasn’t been that long. It’s just that the thought of seeing him again scares him but excites him, too.

He notices that Jonas is staring at him. “He really got you good, huh?”

“Yep,” Matteo answers, a sad smile on his face. There’s no use in denying it.

“Maybe you should talk to him,” Jonas mumbles.

Matteo glances at him sharply.

“It’s just that you’ve been off since you came back. I know you’re sad about it, and he looks pretty sad too.” 

Matteo’s heart speeds up. “Have you seen him?”

“Just once.” Jonas sighs. “I don’t know, maybe if you just deal with it instead of avoiding-” 

“Yeah yeah.” Matteo looks at Jonas’s earnest face and knows that he’s right. Even though he’s still sad about what could have been, he misses what actually was: his friendship with David. Silence isn’t helping either of them.

Matteo shuts his eyes. “This party, though… It’s going to be awkward, Jonas.” 

Jonas sighs. “Okay,” he replies.

“You know, he said he loved me? He said he loved me but he couldn’t…” Matteo explains. “He said he couldn’t do… I don’t know. Couldn’t be with me, I guess. It’s fucked up.” 

Jonas winces. “So, do you love him?”

“I...” Matteo stops. “I did. Yes. I guess I still do.”

If only that could be enough.

Matteo and Jonas end up going to the party together, and Matteo is thankful for the support. It’s not like he’s a damsel in distress or anything, but it’s nice not to face it all alone. 

Realizing he’s holding his breath, Matteo exhales quickly as they approach the common room. The music is so loud that it makes his skin tingle and his lungs feel like mush. The bass thumps in time with his heartbeat as though they are one, filling him from head to toe with music. He likes the song, though. 

It’s like most parties. Some people are dancing, and some are talking. Matteo tries to steer clear of David, although he can still see him as he struggles to make small talk with various partygoers. Or maybe he doesn’t really struggle, but Matteo would like to think that he does. Or, not really. He wants David to be happy. Just. Happy with _him_.

David has done something with his hair, or maybe it’s just that it’s been a few days since they saw each other. He wears that button down shirt that Matteo loves so much. He looks good. 

Matteo talks for a bit with some of the other students, but it’s hard to focus. When Jonas is having a deep political talk to one of the others, Matteo tries to get away for a moment, returning to the kitchen, finding a beer. He pulls out a chair at the kitchen island and runs his hand across the smooth countertop. Resting his head in his hands, he lets his eyes drift shut. Being around David like this makes him feel so tired.

He hears someone sit down next to him. He keeps his eyes closed and makes no motion to acknowledge their presence.

“Hey. Sleeping again?”

Matteo opens his eyes when he hears the familiar voice. “Not really sleeping. Just…”

“Tired,” David finishes as he leans against the kitchen counter. 

“Yeah.” The sight of David makes something in Matteo’s stomach flutter. David really looks good. In his eyes there’s an intensity, an honesty and a gentleness that makes Matteo weak. 

“I was wondering when I’d see you again,” David says.

Matteo grips his beer tightly. His heart beat erratically in his chest. All of his feelings are now bubbling to the surface, though anger is the one which breaks first.

“You could’ve called,” he mutters, his voice shaking.

“I could’ve,” David replies quietly. Their eyes lock, and David’s eyes burn Matteo’s, almost as if he’s looked too long at the sun. “So could you.”

Matteo looks closer at David. He looks good, but tired. Matteo wonders if David is doing okay. But more than that, he wonders where it all went wrong. He wonders if they can fix things somehow. _No point in building a wall around David, though,_ he reminds himself. _No pressure_. “I guess I should be going,” he sighs.

“Okay,” David says quietly.

Matteo’s brow furrows. “Okay?”

David stares at his beer. “I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s a lot you could say,” Matteo retorts, as he fights the conflicted feelings that surge through his chest.

“I mean, there’s too much to say _right now_ ,” David says, putting his beer on the counter. He approaches Matteo. “There’s too much I need to tell you. I just don’t know where to start.”

Matteo feels his heart race as David steps closer. It would be so easy to kiss now and talk later. David’s lips part slightly, and Matteo feels the hairs on his arms rise as he shivers. He closes his eyes as he remembers their last time together, and suddenly, his chest aches. 

He can’t do this. A part of him suddenly wants to get away. To leave. “I really should go,” he says.

David cocks his head. “If you like. Can I walk you home?”

Matteo raises his eyebrows in confusion, and then he frowns. “It’s like... down the hall,” he says, pointing the direction with his thumb. 

David shrugs. Smiles a small smile. 

Matteo looks at David. His brown eyes stare back, open and vulnerable, and Matteo wonders if anyone else has ever seen his eyes like this before. 

“Fine,” he sighs.

His stomach turns to knots. For the first time in days, he’s alone with David again. If he’s being honest with himself, he knows that he’s partly to blame for their separation.

Usually, Matteo never fights back when David begins to pull away. When David pulled back after the almost-kiss, back in Berlin, Matteo had respected that, but still let David know he was welcome in his friend group. When David disappeared after the whole being outed shit, Matteo had let David know that he, and the whole gang, was supporting him. That they would be there when David was ready to come back.

However, when David tried to talk to him as they came back to Prague, Matteo had shut the door on him. He had sort of known how to reach David (tell him he would be waiting, send him a meme), but he didn’t try. He just told himself that David was doing better without him. That his time with Matteo was just some game, or some experiment. 

Deep down, Matteo knows that he was wrong. 

Yeah, he doesn’t know exactly why David struggles, but he knows that it’s not a game for either of them. However, his fear and pride have kept him from breaking first. He needs David, but he’s afraid to admit it. After all, Matteo has a long experience in pretending that he doesn’t love David. It’s safe. Familiar. The shallow end of the pool.

“Did you have a good time with Laura?” he finally asks, trying to find something harmless to talk about.

David’s eyes light up. “Yeah, it was really nice. She loved the painting I gave her.”

“That’s great!” Matteo smiles a small smile. “What did you paint?”

“The two of us, from back when we were younger.” David smiles. “I guess it was thanks to you that I did it. You reminded me of how I used to love to give people stuff that I’ve made.” 

“Cool.”

“So, what about you?”

Matteo sticks his hands in his pocket. “Nothing much has been going on with me. I’ve been studying a little. Chilling.” 

“I saw that Jonas is back?”

“Yeah, sun tanned and all.” 

David laughs. 

Matteo loves how their talk somehow eases into something similar to how things were before. Their talk is littered with smiles, the real communication, not the words. Beneath the talk is the gentle gaze of David’s eyes, the tilt of his head as he listens, the relaxed nature of his face. Maybe David sees the same with Matteo. They are connecting. 

“I think Jonas misses Hanna already,” he says. “Probably why he wants so badly to go back to Berlin in spring.”

David nods. “Makes sense.” 

“I’ve decided to try to find a way to stay in Prague for another year, though. It actually seems like it can work out pretty well.” 

“Really?” David says, looking surprised. He looks at Matteo as if Matteo’s words are something precious he's been waiting all his days to hear. This kindness and attentiveness are a part of who David is, and that's probably one of the things Matteo has fallen for the most. “That’s cool, Matteo!”

“Yeah.” Matteo frantically tries to think of something else to say as their small-talk descends into silence. 

They stop, and stare at each other, and that’s when Matteo realizes that their easy conversation is turning into something else.

“I’ve missed you,” David says.

Matteo swallows. “I’ve missed you, too.”

David’s eyes are dark pools Matteo wishes to dive into.

“Do you sometimes wish this never happened?” David asks in a whisper.

“What are you talking about?” Matteo asks, though the sinking feeling in his stomach tells him the answer.

“This. Us. Whatever this is.”

Matteo quickly turns his head to look away. He closes his eyes before his vision can get blurry. His chest feels tight, and he desperately wants to get away. “Oh,” he replies. “No.” It’s all he trusts himself to say.

David shuts his eyes then. “I don’t regret it, either. It’s just… I miss us.”

Matteo bites his lips. Tousles his own hair. “Then… why… Can’t you just tell me why you sort of just… drifted away? Left me?” He hates how raspy his voice sounds.

David is silent for a moment as he goes over to one of the walls, and leans back against it. “Do you know what it’s like to always be afraid?” he asks quietly. Matteo looks at him then. David stares blankly ahead. He looks really tired. And scared.

“I’m afraid all the time,” Matteo offers. He steps closer, and leans back against the wall, next to David. 

David just stands there, staring into the air. “No. I mean. _Really_ afraid. Everywhere I go, it’s the same. I try to just be, and mind my own business, and then some fucker outs me, or rumours start going, or whatever. And then Hell is loose.”

“I know,” Matteo sighs. “Or, I mean, I don’t know, but. That sucks.” He wishes he could hold David close, and comfort him. 

“Yeah, it sucks!” David has a desperate look on his face as he turns to Matteo. “People constantly come with these invading questions, asking about my parts or my sex life all the time. Finding me exotic, or something. Or they look at me as some sort of weirdo. It makes me feel so… uncomfortable. And it’s fucking exhausting.”

Matteo’s throat feels dry. “I’m sorry,” he croaks

“I know,” David sighs. “It’s just… I’ve wanted so badly to have a new beginning in Prague. To keep my head low and avoid all stupid questions.”

Matteo looks at him, surprised. “I thought you were out?”

David shakes his head. “Not really, only to a few. Laura, of course, and you and Jonas. Some of my teachers.”

“Oh.” Matteo finally starts to understand. He suddenly feels awful; selfish. “And Prague is your new home,” he says. “The place where you feel safe.”

“Yeah.”

“So being with me could fuck that up.” 

David shrugs. “Not necessarily, of course. But. I guess I fear that something can come out, yeah. It terrifies me. I don’t want to go through all that shit again. So, I guess that when… we happened, I didn’t know how to handle that.”

Matteo swallows, as he recalls how scared and lonely David was when everybody found out, back at school. “I get that,” he mumbles.

David reaches for him and touches his chest briefly before he drops his hand. “I loved everything that happened on our trip to Berlin. I hope you know that, Matteo! I mean, I knew from the moment you asked me for a lift, that I was going to say yes. I was trying to forget you, but you were everywhere, and you saw me like nobody else, and I… I even took photos of you when you were asleep. I mean, how fucked up is that?”

“Pretty fucked up,” Matteo jokes, trying to cover up his flushed face and hot ears. 

“And I had no idea what you felt about me, so I told myself to keep it all in. But then…” David’s words tumble out, and it’s like he has opened up and can’t stop. “...then I got the chance to see you like I never have seen you before. Like when you wanted to stand in the rain. You looked so at peace. And I wanted to paint you. Or kiss you. Or both.”

Matteo’s heart is racing, and he can’t really believe what he’s hearing. Is this really true?

“I kept stealing photos of you, too, it’s ridiculous, really.”

“You did?”

David stares at him. “Did you really think I just took pictures of that parking lot? Or that old pool?”

A nervous chuckle escapes Matteo. 

“I just couldn’t stay away,” David continues, almost sounding frustrated, “and in that old pool I couldn’t hold it in anymore. We kissed, and it was beautiful, and I knew that I was… fucked.”

Matteo shivers. “You kept withdrawing, though. You said it was a game.”

” _You_ said it was a game!” David protests.

”Yeah, I guess, Matteo blushes. ”It just seemed like that was what you wanted. And you planned to go back to Prague without me.” 

David looks down. “Yeah. I tried to keep things simple, I guess. I told myself that you probably didn’t bother. That it was best if I let it go. That was why I was careful when we drove back, too. It’s just that I knew that when we got back, it’d be different. And… I was worried about what everyone would say. I was scared that I could lose everything. Even you. I’m sorry, but I guess I panicked.”

 _Panic._ Matteo nods, slowly. He knows about panicking. 

David lets out a slow sigh. "I was so worried that I wasn’t good for you, too. I kept thinking that I would just fuck up everything, and run, like I always do.”

Matteo frowns at David’s fatalism. He knows all about fatalism, he battles with it quite often. Still, this doesn’t sound right at all. “I can’t tell you that it won’t happen,” he says, struggling to find the right words. “But I think it’s worth the risk.”

“Even if we risk losing everything?”

“Even then.” Matteo rubs his face with both hands, trying to collect his thoughts. “Why didn’t you tell me, though?” He fiddles with his jacket and sticks his hands in his pockets. “I would have understood.”

“I don’t know. I tried,” David replies, his voice cracking. He looks so small, it’s painful to watch. Matteo wants to reach out and hold his hand, but he doesn’t know his place. He keeps his hands in his pocket instead.

“I thought I could tell you in the car on our way back here. But then there was this silence between us and I didn’t know how. I thought I could explain things when we came back here. But when we said goodbye, you didn’t give me a chance to say anything.”

_Ouch._

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” Matteo sighs. He thinks for a moment, trying to find the right words, but not really finding them. “I guess I didn’t handle the feeling of you disappearing again,” he admits in the end. “Like, at all. I don’t handle stuff like that so well. I expected the worst. So. I didn’t want to listen to whatever you had to say.” 

David keeps his gaze. “I know. I mean, at first I thought you were fed up with me, but I kinda figured it out, after a little while. Still, I just told myself that you were better off without me.”

Matteo takes a deep breath, and starts to walk down the hall again. David follows him. _The only bridge to others are words._ Matteo wants to tell David how he has loved him for a long time, how he still loves him. How he will keep loving him. How they can find a solution, as long as they do it together. He wants to say all of this, but he isn’t sure how to make sure that David knows he means it.

“You’re so cool, David,” he mutters. “And you don’t even know how cool you are. You deserve everything. I just want you to be happy.”

David turns his head and smiles sadly. “Right.”

“I mean it. I can’t regret what happened between us,” Matteo continues. “I loved every moment of it. You showed me places and things that I haven’t seen, and, you showed me how to notice that there’s beautiful stuff, even in our fucked up world, you know? I just loved it.” 

David blinks, looking surprised. 

“Did… uhm.. did you too?” Matteo asks slowly.

David purses his lips as his eyes shine. “Did you listen to my rant, at all?”

“Yeah, but…”

“That trip with you was the best time of my life,” David quavers, blinking quickly. He rubs his face roughly before clearing his throat. 

Matteo can’t believe it. A tiny spark of hope fires in his belly as they reach Matteo’s door. 

They stop.

“Uhm… Thanks for following me,” Matteo says. “Even if it was just down the hall,” he adds, smiling a crooked smile. His hand lingers on the door handle. He hopes, he hopes… He hopes it won’t go several days until he sees David again.

“Matteo,” David says, grabbing Matteo’s hand. “I’m sorry. I fucked it up, and it’s my fault. I never wanted to... I just wasn’t ready, and I shouldn’t have, but I did anyway, because I love you. You have to know that I do. But I’m no good for you...”

Matteo feels his face grow hot in sudden frustration, and he grabs David’s arm. “Will you shut up with that? You’re no good for me because you _choose_ not to be! We could have figured this out together. I just wanted you!” His voice is louder than he planned it to be. He takes a deep breath, and releases it, trying to calm down. He runs a hand through his hair in exasperation. “Fuck, David… I still do.”

“I’m sorry,” David whispers, his eyes downcast. “I want you, too. I just can’t handle being so afraid all the time, I...”

Matteo’s chest aches as he stares at David. “I know,” he sighs. “I know. And I’m sorry, too.” He reaches for David and pulls him close. He inhales a gulp of air, feeling like he can finally breathe again with David in his arms. He feels David’s lips against his neck, his hands running through his hair. Suddenly, they are nose to nose, and Matteo wants so badly to kiss him, to taste him again.

“Matteo,” David breathes, their lips close. Matteo opens his eyes to see David staring expectantly at him as he waits for his consent. He brushes his thumb across David’s tear-stained cheek. 

“Wait,” Matteo says. “I gotta know. What do you want, David?”

“I just want you,” David sighs. ”And, I don’t know, I want to stop running.”

His words make Matteo go warm all over. “We don’t have to tell anyone about us,” he offers. “If you need time. We have all the time in the world.”

David shakes his head. “It’s not… that’s fine.”

“It is?” 

“Yeah.” David keeps his gaze. He takes a deep breath, and releases it. “You’re right. We can probably do this together. I don’t know if I want to come out as trans, or if I want to just let it be. I have no idea, right now. But I guess we can take it one step at a time.” 

“Yeah, we can.” Matteo can’t stop the smile growing on his face. He takes David’s hands. “Do you want to come inside?” he murmurs.

David shakes his head. “I probably should go,” he says, looking away. The lights from the hall reflect in his eyes, just as his doubt, and Matteo moves closer to him.

“Come on. Just for a little,” Matteo rests his forehead against David’s shoulder.

A smile tugs at David’s mouth. “Matteo...”

“We’ll just hang out,” Matteo says, smiling. “Talk.”

David laughs, then. “Just talk, huh?” 

Matteo grins. “Yeah, I’ll behave, I promise.”

David looks at Matteo and still smiles as he bites his lip. “Just for a little,” he concedes. “I can’t promise that I’ll be behaving, though.”

Matteo snorts, surprised. Locking the door behind them, he toes off his shoes. David does the same. As they enter the room Matteo feels the smile on his face grow wider. Having David over feels like when he first started to know David. Like a beginning.

“It smells like you,” David mumbles as he looks around for a place to sit. Suddenly, Matteo’s arms feels awkward at his sides, and any semblance of old times disappears. It feels good to have David here with him, but so much has changed since the last time they were alone together in a room.

“Hope you’re not mistaking it from Jonas’ smelly socks,” he jokes, and kicks his dirty laundry pile under his bed. 

“Oh, it’s definitely you.”

Matteo swallows. “I hope that’s a good thing,” he replies.

“It is,” David murmurs, and sudden fire is dancing in his dark eyes. 

Matteo freezes, his mouth feeling dry. “I should drink some water. Do you need the bathroom?”

“You can go first,” David offers. He walks over to Matteo’s bookshelf and begins to look through the titles. “Hey, what’s this?” he picks up the picture he gave Matteo for Christmas. He shoots Matteo a quick glance. “I almost thought you’d thrown this away.”

“Of course not,” Matteo answers in a thick voice. “Did you throw away your brush case?”

David shakes his head, and smiles a small smile. “I use it every day.” 

“Oh. Cool.” Matteo doesn’t know how to handle all the feeling rushing through him. “Uhm, I’ll be back.” He flees. 

Once inside the bathroom, Matteo drinks a glass of water before splashing water on his face. His head is spinning. He stares at himself in the mirror, and for a moment, he wonders if David is still going to be there when he gets back into his room. He shakes his head. They’re way past thoughts like that, now.

When he returns to his room, Matteo hears “Take me to church” playing quietly in the background. He looks at David.

“Is this okay?” David asks nervously. He’s sitting on Matteo’s bed, his back against the headboard. He’s thrown off his shirt and wearing a t-shirt and a pair of Matteo’s sweatpants. 

“Good choice,” Matteo replies, knowing that he doesn’t answer David’s actual question. He stands awkwardly by the bed before deciding to sit next to David. He sits close enough that he can feel the heat from David’s body. Exhaustion seeps into his body as he imagines having to fight against his feelings one moment more. He said he would behave, though, so he will.

“I’m really sorry that I kind of disappeared,” David mutters, taking his hand, and linking their fingers. “And that I didn’t call.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier, too,” Matteo says. His limbs are getting heavy as he leans into David. “And I’m sorry I didn’t let you say what you needed to say. As I said, I was a mess. And a little mad at you, maybe” he admits. 

David looks down wistfully. 

“I’m not really mad, though, ” Matteo adds. ”I just… I’m more like scared, I think.”

David turns to look at Matteo, his face still as he listens.

“I’m just scared that you’ll disappear, ” Matteo continues, with a yawn. He doesn’t quite know where the sudden sleepiness comes from. Maybe it’s because of the roller coaster of emotions. He feels exhausted.

”This is new to me, you know.” 

“Matteo, you don’t have to talk about this now,” David says lightly.

“I want to.” Matteo leans his head against David’s shoulder. “I have so much I want to tell you,” he yawns again, his eyes growing heavy. He leans his head on David’s shoulder. He’s so tired. And apparently, at some point, the habitually falling asleep everywhere thing has turned into a habitually falling asleep on David thing. 

He can’t fall asleep. Not now.

“You can tell me tomorrow,” David replies, his voice gentle. Matteo’s heart swells as David’s voice washes over him.

“No,” Matteo protests, fighting another yawn. “I thought you didn’t want me when we came back from Berlin. I was so sure I was going to lose you. And I kind of did, right? I did,” he shrugs. He’s not sure if it’s because he’s sleepy or what, but he feels like he babbles without filter when he continues: “But it didn’t change anything. I still love you. I love you when you wake up, and your breath smells. And when you’re annoyed at me for some reason. And when you smile. I love you when you make me drawings. I love you even when you’re not here, when you make me so fucking angry, because I can’t stop loving you, and I don’t think you love me how I love you, but I can’t stop,” 

Matteo’s shocked to feel tears in his eyes. He blinks them away and leans closer into David. 

He feels David’s arms wrap around him. “I’m here now, Matteo. I’m right here,” David murmurs, his arms tight around him. ”I love you too. I love you so much that it scares me.”

“Good.” Matteo sighs. David is so warm, and soft, and Matteo sinks into him, chin tucked into the crevice of his neck and shoulder. Matteo yawns loudly, eyes growing heavy as he lets them slip closed.

David wiggles, grunts a "Matteo," more like a statement than an actual question.

"You're warm," Matteo explains. "I'm sleepy." 

“One thing, though… What do you think Jonas will say when he comes home?”

Matteo scoffs. “Jonas will have to deal.” He opens an eye to look at David. “If that’s okay with you? I just want to... sleep now.” He yawns again.

“That’s okay,” David says, and his voice is light. 

_Yeah_ , everything’s finally okay. Matteo lets his arms drape around David's neck lazily as David holds him. He falls asleep there in David’s arms, forgetting everything in the warm embrace. 

##  **_17\. Me and you_ **

Warm breath tickle Matteo’s face the next morning, and he blinks his eyes open. David’s arm is draped across his chest, their legs intertwined. David must have kicked off his sweatpants during the night, because Matteo can feel the warm and soft skin on his legs.

He noses gently across the back of David’s neck. It’s raining outside and it’s so warm under the duvet that Matteo briefly ponders staying right there for the rest of his life. David turns in his sleep to face him. Warmth grows in Matteo’s chest as he remembers the night before. As he remembers every word he said, he feels like a weight has been lifted. He turns his head to kiss David’s forehead.

“Hm?” David stirs. His hair is delightfully messy and his eyes squint in the morning light as he smiles. “Morning. How are you feeling?”

Matteo stretches, and lets the question sink in. “I’m alright. What about you?” 

David stares at Matteo with the same expression he wore when they held hands in Berlin. “I’m good,” he replies, smiling softly.

At that moment, Matteo's insecurity comes back for another bite and so he studies David’s face closely, "Is everything okay, really?"

David turns with that serious look that still has his trademark warm eyes, "So long as you're here with me, Matteo, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves." And that's just what Matteo needs to hear.

He throws a quick glance at the other bed. It’s empty. “Is Jonas up already?” 

David grins. “Yeah. I didn’t hear him go to bed, but I did hear him when he got up. He seemed determined to get out of our way.” 

“Oh yeah?” Matteo chuckles. 

“Yeah. He was pretty gone, though. I’m not sure he had fully sobered up, to be honest. But he said about three times that he would be away at least until two in the afternoon.”

“Idiot,” Matteo smiles, amused by how the tables are turned, but also grateful to get time alone with David. He settles in on his side and brushes David’s hair off his forehead. He feels almost unbearably happy, knowing that in this moment, David is all his. Just being near David like this lights Matteo up inside, gives him a serenity he can never know without David being close. It's like the breaths he takes aren't full when David's gone. Lying next to David is Matteo’s favourite place in the world.

He nudges David’s cheek with his nose. “Thank you for staying. I thought you might need more time.” 

David locks eyes with him. “I _had_ time. Too much time, probably.” He whispers the last words, the ghost of them soft on Matteo’s lips where they’d moved towards each other, as inevitable as gravity. 

“Really?” Matteo whispers back, breathing the words against David’s lips, warmth spreading inside of him. 

“Really,” David smiles, pushing Matteo’s shoulder lightly. “Yesterday you said you weren’t sure if I love you like you love me. Now, you listen to me,” he intones as he pulls Matteo closer. “I love you, Matteo. Never doubt that.”

It’s like a beam of light goes right through Matteo, warming him up. He looks up at David’s face. His brown eyes have the same open and vulnerable quality they had that night before. But now they’re together.

“So,” Matteo bites his lip. “You love me. And I love you. Can we stop avoiding each other, and just be together, then?”

“Yes.” David kisses his cheek. “It’s me and you,” he murmurs, his nose bumping into Matteo’s.

“Me and you,” Matteo whispers. Their lips reunite as he kisses David slowly, and when he opens his eyes, he sees that David’s smile has reached his eyes. 

“I gotta tell you something,” David says. 

“Yeah?”

“I found you something the other day. A book.”

“A book?” Matteo asks, confused. 

David smiles, looking a little smug. “Yeah. It’s a book about architectural structures and their symbolic meanings.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like spires and bridges and thresholds. I thought you might find it interesting.” David grins, and strokes his fingers through Matteo’s hair. “For instance, spires are said to represent ambition and striving. And, uh, originally they were like symbols of male fertility.” 

“Ha.”

“In previous times, people also oriented themselves by churches and their spires.”

Matteo grins. “So Prague is a threshold, guiding our way. But it’s also about ambition and, uh… male fertility? You’re right, I do find this interesting.” 

“I knew you would,” David grins. 

Matteo pulls David closer. “What about the bridges?”

“I don’t know. You cross borders with bridges, too. I can pick up the book later and you can look for yourself.”

“Not now?”

“Nah, I have other plans.” David shifts and moves closer. He sighs, and it’s soft, but content and Matteo’s arms tighten reflexively around him. Matteo settles again, face pressed gently against the warm, sleepy skin of David, ready to drift back to sleep.

But it definitely seems like David has other ideas.

David shifts again, pressing his hips further into Matteo’s, and grasping Matteo’s hand in his long enough to guide it up and under his t-shirt to splay warmly against the soft skin of his belly. Gentle but passionate, he presses his lips into Matteo’s. Matteo shivers, and the world around them slows down, so he can be in this moment. He feels warm all over, and he kisses back, cherishing the moment and David. 

David’s lips are so soft and warm. He puts his hand on the back of Matteo’s head, pulling him tight. Matteo fights the spark that David’s skin ignites deep within him, because David might be doing this without realizing what it does to him. Presses their bodies together. Touches him. Guides Matteo’s hands so they touch him. David is affectionate, and sometimes it’s not intentional that he totally turns Matteo on.

So Matteo tramps down the buzz of arousal that David always seems to induce, and he settles, breathing deeply and snuggling closer to David. He settles into the warmth surrounding him. The rain outside and David’s body snuggled against his under his covers feels like home.

But David refuses to still.

David turns his head so that Matteo is suddenly nuzzling his cheek softly and Matteo presses a soft, smiling kiss to David’s cheek. David’s fingers wrap around his hand again, and moves it further down.

Matteo smirks, sliding his hand over David’s lower belly and thighs. David’s hips chase his fingers, but instead Matteo lets his fingers trail across his stomach, down his leg, up the inside of his thigh, where David’s legs part immediately.

Matteo’s fingers tease over David’s ribs, and down his arm, ghosting over his neck to grab his hair and press his lips against rapidly warming skin.

“Matteo,” David whispers.

“Yeah?” Matteo whispers back, nosing the back of David’s neck, leaning in to press a kiss below his ear.

“Please touch me,” David begs softly. He shifts so he’s lying on his back, gazing at Matteo, all messy hair and kissable lips.

“I am touching you,” Matteo murmurs with a grin as he slides his hand along David’s stomach again and leans forward long enough to press his face against David’s neck, dusting the soft skin there with tender kisses and feather-light teases of his nose. The backs of his fingers trail down David’s stomach, never stilling as his lips continue to map the soft skin of David’s neck.

David sighs, and suddenly he props his head up in his hand and lets his other hand explore Matteo’s body, which he knows so well already. “Matteo,” he says softly.

Matteo inhales deeply. “Yeah.” He decides it’s time to give up the teasing and focus more on the beautiful man in his bed. 

It seems to be the right choice.

“I want -” David breathes out, pausing for a moment to press sloppy, burning kisses to Matteo’s neck. “I want.” He can’t seem to say much more than that, pupils blown wide and black. His cheeks are flushed red. “I really want you.”

Matteo’s lips shift into a smirk before he can even help it, and he weaves their hands together to pull David fully on top of him. 

David over Matteo, chest to chest and thighs between thighs. Matteo knows David can feel his arousal. He squeezes his eyes shut. “I really want you, too,” Matteo murmurs, panting. There’s the tiniest of contact as his upper lip bumps David’s lower. David whispers it again, that he _wants_ , as his hips cant downwards.

It’s nothing then, to lean up and kiss him. Matteo’s hands shake a little as he frames David’s face, guiding him to better the angle of the kiss. Their noses bump a little. Tongue touches tongue, hot and brief. Matteo rubs a thumb across David’s cheekbone, not sure if he’s trying to calm himself or the tide rising in between them.

And oh, David is so beautifully responsive, an aching sigh slipping out of him and hanging close in the hot, sticky air between them. The sound of it causes Matteo to shiver and the little hairs on his forearms to stand. It amazes Matteo that such a small noise can have such meaning and intent behind it.

David is leaning into him, lips gentle but body trembling with a desperation that makes Matteo’s head spin. David presses a few teasing kisses against the skin of Matteo’s neck and his jaw. One hand slides under his t-shirt and his fingers scratch lightly over his ribs, tease his belly button and finally travel down his belly.

Matteo’s hands slide over David’s body above him, reaching down to urge David’s hips down into his own for one long, slow roll. Then he lets his hands tease across the elastic of David’s boxers before sliding up over his back to push his t-shirt up and off his body in one fluid motion, urging David into an upright position as it goes.

David remains upright, his hands bracing on Matteo’s torso as he rolls his hips down into Matteo again.

Matteo’s can’t take his eyes of David in nothing but his boxer, grinding down into his body, eyes closed, mouth slightly agape. He lets one hand trail from David’s sternum down over his tummy where he lets his fingers trail the soft skin there before they drop lower to press against him.

David responds instantly, moaning quietly, lip captured between his teeth. His hands move until they’re fisting in the edges of Matteo’s t-shirt and he’s suddenly tugging it up and off his body.

David’s hips are rolling at a steady pace against Matteo’s fingers when Matteo decides to put him out of his misery and he slides his fingers into David’s boxers, and through warm, wet heat. The action pulls another moan from David and Matteo nearly comes undone at the sound. He reaches for David, grasping the nape of his neck gently to pull him forward and close enough to kiss as he slides his fingers into him carefully.

David is panting against his lips, their foreheads pressed together, and even though the pace is rapidly approaching frantic, it feels warm and it feels intimate. And _so. Fucking. Good_. Matteo swallows the noise that David makes and presses his tongue into David’s mouth, kissing him hot, kissing him hard, kissing him deep, and he feels the ruts of David’s hips increase their pace, so he thrusts harder and deeper, and that’s all it takes. David shudders, clenches around his fingers and moans a slow moan as Matteo tries to draw the pleasure out as long as he can.

David collapses against him, letting his breath even, and Matteo swears he can feel the pounding of David’s heart against his own chest. He closes his eyes and simply revels in the feel of it for a few minutes as David comes down.

“Matteo,” David breathes.

“Yeah. I’ve got you, David,” Matteo tells him softly, pressing a kiss to the side of his head.

“Holy…” David sighs out a deep, sated breath and presses his lips against Matteo’s jaw, nuzzling there gently. “That was the best ever.”

“Ever?” Matteo parrots teasingly.

“Ever,” David confirms, laughing.

Matteo’s eyes narrow playfully. “Right. What about last time?”

David laughs and kisses him softly again. He runs a hand through Matteo’s hair affectionately and lets it rest against his cheek. “Last time was the best ever, too.”

Matteo must laugh. He’s all warm and fuzzy again, high on having David so close and touching him until he came apart, and he holds David a little tighter to his body as he closes his eyes and simply breathes him in.

They’re quiet for a few minutes, basking in the feel of one another and enough quiet time for more than just a few stolen kisses. The rain continues to pound outside and Matteo feels his body melt rather bonelessly back into the mattress again. David playfully walks two fingers across his stomach, making Matteo snort with laughter when it tickles and press his palm over David’s hand to flatten it against his body.

“What about you, baby?” David asks softly. 

Matteo grins, “I wouldn’t mind having a best one ever, too.” 

David’s eyes sparkle with excitement. “You got it.”

Any lingering hesitation about whether David is into Matteo is washed away when David tears off his t-shirt, pushes him back into the pillows and begins kissing down his neck and nibbling on his collarbone. He traces his tongue along his neck and shoulder, little kitten licks and then longer swipes. It’s good – very good – sending a combination of sensations through him. 

David looks up at him, checking in again, and Matteo realizes he’s clutching at David’s shoulder, and pressing his hard-on against David’s hip. “You all right?” David asks, grinning, and Matteo can’t find words, just drags David up and kisses him. Clearly it’s answer enough, and David responds eagerly.

David falls on to his back and pulls Matteo on top of him, spreading his legs, and sliding his hands down Matteo’s back. Matteo is loving it, chest pressed against David’s, and he lets his hips grind against David. They slide together, no longer kissing but breathing into each other. It feels so good.

David shifts until he can get a hand around Matteo. 

Matteo whimpers. Again, David’s warm hand is like fire licking his skin. “Fuck, yes,” Matteo rambles, and chokes. “So good, David. Feels so good.” He’s panting, being so close, and David kisses him, sloppy and wet. Matteo kisses him back. 

David strokes him, surely, over and over, and apparently that’s all it takes, electricity sparks through Matteo and he’s arching up against David, shouting his name. 

_It’s the most wonderful feeling_ , Matteo thinks as he dozes against David’s chest, tugged there by strong arms, knowing he’s exactly where he belongs. Safe, and loved. He doesn’t think things could get any better.

He opens his eyes and David is staring at him, fond and almost awed, and Matteo grins, still feeling dazed, but oh, so happy. “Doing okay there, pal?”

David nods. “Yeah.” He tilts his head, smiles. “Was it a best one ever?”

“Definitely.” Matteo doesn’t even try to hide that his voice is wavering. He leans up to press a soft kiss against David’s forehead, and then kisses down over his eyes, lashes tickling against his lips, to his mouth. “Thanks for coming back,” he says softly. 

“Of course,” David says, voice tight with emotion. He exhales shakily. “Thanks for being there.”

David’s kiss steal the words Matteo doesn’t need to say. Their secrets are laid bare between them, anyway, and right now, nothing else matters than the two of them. 

Matteo leans back on his pillow and listens to the pitter patter of the rain outside, feeling almost like a shelter around them. ”It’s still raining,” he muses.

”Yeah. I’m not going outside, to stand in the rain now, just so you know, ” David huffs. ” No matter how much you love it.”

Matteo laughs. ”I’m not going outside right now, either, thank you very much. I love Prague in the rain, but...”

 _I love to lie here beside you more. I love you more._ He knows he doesn’t need to say it out loud. David knows. 

”Let’s just stay here a little, then,” David says. He leans forwards, his warm breath in Matteo’s ear, then he hums on a song that Matteo can’t quite catch. His lips creep into a grin. David keeps on humming until Matteo take him in a bear hug and kiss him. Damn, David is an expert on keeping Matteo’s heart beating.

”Sounds perfect,” Matteo mumbles. “So, we won’t go exploring in abandoned buildings, either?” 

David grins. ”Not today.”

In that moment of feeling David so close Matteo is relaxed but also more awake somehow, and more alive than he has been in so very long. He feels protected, safe within walls. Like a butterfly in a cocoon. ”Good,” he says. “We can do that another day.”

”Yeah. We have all the time in the world, right?”

”We do.”

Matteo snuggles in closer, relaxing as David’s arms wrap firmly around him. He never thought it would be possible to feel this way. But he’s going to do whatever it takes to keep it. He’ll climb spires and build bridges and tear down walls. Whatever it takes.

If this isn't happiness Matteo doesn't know what is.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. 
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